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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Chocolate to your H for his birthday (from gushy woman) - would you feel jealous?

53 replies

textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 21:25

Just wanted your thoughts on this. H is doing a lot of work on a woman's house. She lives just up the road and he has known her for about 9 years (during which time he has done various jobs for her).

Thursday was his birthday. She must have found out on Friday because I found a big happy belated birthday slab of chocolate in the car (happy birthday written on it in a different colour chocolate) with an attached note saying Happy Belated Birthday h's name and a smiley face drawn next to it. This in combination with the fact that she picked something up from the chemist for him recently and that she is generally very gushy and syrupy sweetly nice, is annoying me. Maybe however IABU and she is just being nice to a friend?

Sister's partner thinks that the fact that she went to all this trouble the day after his birthday, means something.

Maybe I am being petty but please be gentle as H and I have a difficult relationship which is making things like this possibly seem worse at the moment (especially the fact that he is not talking to me at the moment).

OP posts:
parakeet · 27/09/2014 21:27

It doesn't sound like anything to worry about to me AT ALL.

WorraLiberty · 27/09/2014 21:28

It sounds like a perfectly normal gesture to me.

Your sister's partner is a shit stirrer.

Coolas · 27/09/2014 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nomama · 27/09/2014 21:31

The only thing I'd find unreasonable is if DH doesn't share the chocolate with you!

Your sister's partner is a pillock!

Pancakeflipper · 27/09/2014 21:32

I wouldn't be concerned about someone giving a birthday pressies of a chocolate bar. Even a belated gift. Perhaps she's thankful that there's a reliable person doing work for her.

But is it getting too close? Is he spending more time there? Is the boundary between employer/employee disappearing. Is it now more friendship? Moving onto something more?

LadyLuck10 · 27/09/2014 21:35

Op you've posted a few times about these situations with this same woman. I think there is something going on here.

GilesGirl · 27/09/2014 21:44

No. Do you not trust your husband?

honeycrest · 27/09/2014 21:45

Why was it in the car? Did your husband not mention anything about it? If he was trying to hide it from you then I would be worried. It's totally understandable for you to be suspicious if he is spending a lot of time with this woman and pulling away from you.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 21:45

Well she is the going to the chemist and now chocolate woman, there is also another female customer that he showed how to make soup (he brought the ingredients to her house). I guess none of it would feel so questionable if our relationship wasn't the shambles it is and I didn't feel so disliked in a sense. Am glad most people think it's a normal gesture though.

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BookABooSue · 27/09/2014 21:47

It was belated so she didn't know it was his birthday till afterwards hence they're not that close.

I don't think the problem is the woman or the chocolate or even your DSIS' DP, the problem is your DH isn't talking to you and you're feeling insecure in your relationship. That's a shit place to be in but nothing to do with chocolate lady.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 21:48

Not sure why in car though it is in the house today ( I was on a course today and he went out in the car with the kids so he must have seen it). I don't know how he feels about her but he laughs at her gushy conversations Angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 21:49

THEY must have seen it. Yes it is a shit place to be in book.

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyCake · 27/09/2014 21:49

As an isolated gesture it would be fine.

Naoko · 27/09/2014 21:54

As a gesture in and of itself it's fine, some of my DP's friends/acquaintances buy him chocolate for his birthday because he likes chocolate, some of these people are women, it's all good he shares it with me.

But you're not comfortable with your DH, and you don't sound happy with your relationship. That's not this woman's fault, so I wouldn't try to make this slab of chocolate into something it isn't. But I do feel for you, and maybe it would be a good time to evaluate what the problem is between you and your DH, and what, if anything, you can and want to do about it.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2014 22:03

I don't think this is anything about these other women is it ?

This is about your husband.

BookABooSue · 27/09/2014 22:06

Does your DH often stop talking to you? It seems extremely off/ manipulative/EA that he is giving you the cold shoulder whilst spending time being chatty shell full man to other women. No wonder you're feeling a bit jealous.

I haven't read your previous threads so don't know the history, have you told him how upset you are feeling?

Original poster
textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 22:06

It has got to a point where most people would have called it a day but I seem to be unable to do that and am blaming myself for various things.

OP posts:
BobbyDazzler1 · 27/09/2014 22:08

Relationships need boundaries. If your h is increasingly at this women's home and you're not comfortable about this, then talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Protect your relationship above all else. Put some boundaries in. Don't keep your worries to yourself and let things slip away. I'm not saying there is anything going on with chocolate lady but at the same time it wouldn't be unheard of for such a situation to lead to more. People generally don't set out to have affairs. They gradually slide in to them because they don't protect their relationships. Me and my dh are really strict about boundaries - no regular visits to homes to opposite sex alone etc. no regular lifts given to opposite sex etc. It seems old fashioned but I really believe in it. Good luck x

AnyFucker · 27/09/2014 22:08

Why are you blaming yourself ?

Is it so fantastical to imaging you are married to a Nobber ?

AnyFucker · 27/09/2014 22:08

*imagine

BookABooSue · 27/09/2014 22:08

chatty,helpful man curse you, autocorrect!

Original poster
textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 22:09

Yes the chat / laughter with other people while we are going through this is hard. He is very difficult to talk, blaming and very resentful. It's not the first cold shoulder episode. This one is after a bad argument we had last Saturday.

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Original poster
textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 22:13

Grin AF. Not that fantastical I suppose. He has many ishoos one of them being a short temper, another a complete lack of emotional articulacy. Either that or he can't stand me / we are ill suited.

I do think I have made mistakes in this relationship however and that's what I wish I could go back and change.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2014 22:15

Well, you can't go back and change them (although I doubt you are the main protagonist in the breakdown of this shitty relationship)

So, look ahead

is this how you want to spend the next 5, 10, 20 years ?

Original poster
textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 22:15

I would talk to him bobby but I find this very difficult to do. He's likely to take the piss out of me in some way.

OP posts: