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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn't smack...

52 replies

MrsBigginsPieShop · 27/09/2014 21:09

... But I have no idea how else to deal?

My DH and I have a 13 month old PFB DS. Just about into everything. Newest thing is turning the plug sockets on and off. I tell him firmly no, explain it can hurt, mummy doesn't want him to do that, lead him away. DS grins at me, gets
distracted for a few minutes, then is back to the plug socket. It's the same with the oven, wood burner etc - even if not on - anything that could be a danger i.e can burn or shock. I feel like I spend my whole life saying 'no'.
Anyway, today DH had had enough and said to DS 'do it once more and I will smack you'. And he did, gently, on the wrist. DS does the usual grin and carries on, now almost sticking his finger in the socket, which is turned on. So DH tells him again, and gives DS a smack on the thigh. Still nothing but a grin. So I hear DH say " I will keep smacking until you stop". Then another smack and I think the shock of that made DS pull up short. At this point I took DS away, sat him down and told him no, told him to say sorry to Daddy for being disobedient and then cuddles.
Ok, sorry it's so long...
This was about six hours ago and I'm still seething at DH. We've had cross words about it and the atmosphere it's pleasant. DS is 13 months, at a great age and I know he understands but to continue to smack, however lightly, until he stops doing something just seems so circular and pointless. I'm fuming that DH hurt our son and I'm angry at myself I didn't handle it better.
But now I realise I have no idea how to discipline DS and make him realise I'm serious without a smack. All he does is laugh at me and I don't want him to be putting his fingers in sockets!
I'm also concerned DH parents like that, but I don't want to undermine him. My argument to DH was that we would never dream of striking each other, so why is it ok to do it to our son?
Am I aibu to be so upset?

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 27/09/2014 21:15

You need to be very firm with DH about no smacking. And you need to discuss it in depth.

It's difficult age. I found that speaking in a loud, firm tone...sharp even...worked more than anything as did picking my DD up, putting her very briefly out of the room....literally for seconds.

ChippingInLatteLover · 27/09/2014 21:17

He's 13 months old.

You don't need to discipline him, you just need to say 'no', remove him & distract him and again and again and again. Welcome to parenting.

I don't have the Mumsnet #OH shock horror at smacking, not at all. It's not hell in a handcart, but your BABY is 13 months and hasn't even grasped the concept of 'NO' yet, let alone 'if you keep doing that I'll smack you'.

Your DH needs to be told that is it totally totally not on. Not at all acceptable to smack a baby like that.

3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole · 27/09/2014 21:19

He is far too young for this

Icimoi · 27/09/2014 21:19

Of course YANBU. The only lesson your DS will learn from this is that violence is apparently acceptable.

You need to put as much as you can in place to make it impossible for DS to get access to dangerous things, try to distract him, and otherwise keep saying No very loudly and sternly. He'll get the idea before too long.

LittleBearPad · 27/09/2014 21:19

Your baby has no idea what no means. He does something you don't want him to do, you say no (so he begins to learn) and you move him somewhere else. You don't smack him until he stops. I'd be livid if DH smacked our daughter

ShowMeTheWonder · 27/09/2014 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepySuitcaseSheepie · 27/09/2014 21:21

You do realise he can't get a shock from the plug sockets in the UK though?

He is doing it for a reaction - just dostract him and do it over and over and over again - if you make it into a NO! Game he will carry on playing

Ignore him and when he starts to walk/crawl over to it distract him by asking to get you something etc

Or cover them with large heavy objects?

Your cross with your DH but I'm sure he is just as upset as he lost control of a situation

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2014 21:22

YANBU, if only for the fact that it won't work. You need to talk this through because if he will smack a baby what will he do when a child disobeys?

And please, try blocking your powerpoints, put a fireguard in front of the fire. Sometimes he'll be a lot faster than you.

Fanfeckintastic · 27/09/2014 21:24

Oh my God he's a BABY

WorraLiberty · 27/09/2014 21:26

At this point I took DS away, sat him down and told him no, told him to say sorry to Daddy for being disobedient and then cuddles.

You said all that to a baby? Confused

YANBU about the smacking as he's too young to understand that also.

BertieBotts · 27/09/2014 21:26

If you're in the UK sockets aren't dangerous anyway. Have a look here: www.fatallyflawed.com

That aside, he's too young for you to "discipline" him with just words, but you shouldn't need to smack either. You have to keep removing him every time or remove his access to dangerous things like keeping them out of his reach or blocking them off with a guard etc. (Could you put a fireguard around the woodburner??) Eventually they understand that this thing isn't for playing with and they stop.

For hot things I used to let DS touch stuff which was hot as long as I knew it wasn't not enough to burn. I would say "Hot. Ouch." and he'd touch it and say "Hot." and then if I said something was hot, he understood.

But really if you're struggling to manage a 13 month old without punishment then you're going to struggle to keep that going without smacking when they are 3 or 4 and really pushing the boundaries. Buy some books, read some blogs, there are lots of different approaches but almost nobody (except some Christian nutjobs in the USA) recommends smacking these days.

Original poster
MrsBigginsPieShop · 27/09/2014 21:27

All the sockets are usually covered and there is a fireguard. However, we are mid house move so there isn't much furniture/stuff to cover up things as there usually is! I take the point though. It was more a) is my abhorrence of this wrong and b) what do I actually do and c) is DH actually a monster or am I just overtired/overreacting?

OP posts:
flanjabelle · 27/09/2014 21:29

I think you are seriously over estimating your ds' level of understanding. he is 13 months old!

BertieBotts · 27/09/2014 21:30

Basically you decide what the rule is (safety, whatever) and then you just stop him from doing it. Threats and explanations are meaningless to him right now, he doesn't understand what you are saying. 99.999999% of situations with a baby can be solved by:

  1. Picking up the baby and taking them away
  2. Taking the thing away from them

It's really that simple.

MiuChoos · 27/09/2014 21:31

Okkkay, I'm probably going to really go against the grain here. From reading what you've put though,where exactly is he getting"stop that's dangerous" from your behaviour?
"Mummy doesn't want you to do that, please stop" is going to result in your child laughing in your face as he's testing boundaries at that age. He doesn't KNOW that it's dangerous to stick fingers in sockets or whatever. Even if he did he wouldn't care as it would mean nothing to him.
He needs taking away from the situation. Ie, plugs etc.

MrsWinnibago · 27/09/2014 21:32

Just realised the baby is 1! I thought it said 23 months! OP what everyone else said....he's a baby. They touch stuff. Wait till he sees the Christmas tree!

MrsWinnibago · 27/09/2014 21:32

You can say "No" in a firm voice as you remove him...he'll eventually relate that to things he's doing. But not quite yet.

flanjabelle · 27/09/2014 21:34

Oh and sorry, I should have said that the smacking is disgusting. He's a baby for God's sake. Your dh is completely wrong. If someone smacked my dd who is a similar age I would go absolutely mental.

Eva50 · 27/09/2014 21:35

Get a playpen where he can play safely when you are not able to keep a close eye on him and when you have the wood burner on. When you are with him distract him from touching things that are dangerous. He is still a baby.

Original poster
MrsBigginsPieShop · 27/09/2014 21:35

Thanks for everyone that posted. He is our first and now I just feel like an awful mum. I'm so desperate for him not to be naughty/spoilt/bratty that I'm stressing myself out and him too probably :(

OP posts:
jaffacake2 · 27/09/2014 21:35

Both of you need to read child development book to realise the limited cognitive skills of a 13mth old.
Seriously he will have no ability to rationalise the smack with what he has just done.
So all you are doing is hurting him.
Maybe a parenting course would be an idea ?

flanjabelle · 27/09/2014 21:38

If it helps I tell dd, 'no, don't touch' and remove her and repeat until she gets the idea. That's it. Sometimes there is a tantrum, sometimes she is happy to be distracted.

WorraLiberty · 27/09/2014 21:38

Wait till he sees the Christmas tree!

This ^^ x100 Grin

I have fond memories of having to tie the tree to the wall with a fishing line, to stop the DC from pulling it over.

eveylikesv · 27/09/2014 21:39

Fuck me, can l please come over and smack your DH, with adjust force to his size next time he does something he shouldn't? I think you should take away P from PFB, hardly precious....
He is a BABY, he is not going to apologise to 'daddy' for exploring his surroundings! Plug socket is not going to harm him, unless he stucks 2 fingers in and a pen up top, which l can guarantee you he won't. And if he touches hot oven he is definitely not going to touch it again. Finally if you are so paranoid maybe you should childproof you house.

LiverpoolLou · 27/09/2014 21:40

YANBU. My DS is 17 months old and I find I'm saying 'NO!' eleventy million times a day. Mostly for scaling the coffee table, standing in the middle and shouting 'ARRRRRGH!' at the cat (who doesn't care). We have a playpen for when all else fails. Smacking is a crime here where I live.