To ask how you feel about hugging your therapist?

[missanxiety]

Not in a sexual other otherwise inappropriate way.

I was very upset in my appointment yesterday. I text my therapist last night and she offered hugs if I get upset again. Would you find it comforting, or would it make you worse if you were upset? I'm trying to work out how I would feel and what might make things feel better in the situation again.

I think the texting is more inappropriate than hugging.

but then I love hugs and think they are lovely.

That is why I asked if you are having counselling as therapist can cover many things

Do you feel it is appropriate

It's a very fine line at times to cross it can confuse clients and blur boundaries

My lovely therapist, who I don't see much these days, would offer the occasional hug. However, it was after asking if I would like it, and a discussion about boundaries, and getting attached/how to avoid becoming dependent, so it felt 'safe' and right for me in the context. I trusted her utterly, and she did it in a professional way.

I do feel it's appropriate. I really trust her. I'm just by nature very cautious and hold myself back a lot, so am rather wary but also think it sounds very comforting exploring.

comforting to explore, that should have read.

In response to your question OP maybe have a think about what support you have or can build for after you come out of sessions and in-between sessions. I'm uneasy about the idea of hugging therapists as I feel it blurs boundaries and can be open to misinterpretation. I also don't think that open access text contact is a good thing, again it's open to misinterpretation and clients feeling hurt if the text is not responded to or not responded to quickly enough. I think helping someone access a wider network of support is preferable to encouraging dependence on one individual, who they will only be involved with for a relatively short time anyway.

I love my therapist to bits, but we don't do hugs, and I wouldn't want to, not even in the last session. The boundaries are important for me to feel safe.

Majestic Whine, that's it exactly, thank you. I need to have a good old think to myself to see if hugs would make me feel safe in my upset moments OR if they would be counterproductive and make me feel not so safe.

ILOvePud, thanks for your opinion but I don't think that's the only right way. Contact between appointments helps to build healthy attachment for lots of clients, and the goal is to learn a healthy secure attachment style.

As for building dependence, you have to learn what it is to be healthily dependent on a reliable other person, in order to learn how to then depend and love yourself. So yes I am dependent on my therapist for now, but it won't be forever. If you don't get taught by loving parents modelling to you when growing up you have to learn it somewhere else.

I'm not a big fan of the DBT notion of limited re-parenting behind open access but I appreciate that others do think the benefits outweigh the potential risks. I'm glad that you have found a therapeutic model that works for you missanxiety, people do benefit from different things and sometimes it is just a case of finding the approach or the therapist that fits for you. Hope you're feeling better soon.

I'm going "Eh?" at some of these replies! I've hugged therapist & been hugged by them - not all, as some were more reserved than others. I'm a demonstrative type of person and value physical contact if welcome. I had one therapist who welcomed texts, two who were happy to talk on the phone, one who welcomed emails and a few who didn't want any personal contact outside the hour.

It's completely bonkers to assume all therapists OR all clients are the same in this regard.

Miss, if a hug's what you want and a hug's on offer, go for it :)

As a therapist, for me, there may be a time & place for a hug. If a client initiates out of relief/appreciation on the way out of a session or similar. I would not welcome a text on a Friday night. I wouldn't suggest hugs via text to anyone other than friend/family

It depends on the form of therapy, but in general therapists don't hug. One of the reasons for this, which is related to boundary-violation, is that, through the therapeutic process, clients learn to hold themselves -- which can be a slow but sure process of revelation after a childhood where they were not held, and did not feel safe.

By giving the client the space and support to do this themselves, they find that they need not rely on outside sources for meaning or security; they find that security needs to start, and be nurtured, within.

Hugging does not let the client "bear the unbearable" which sounds sadistic, but is actually one of the deepest forms of love; worse it is often the therapist's own insecurity that drives the offer, or acceptance, of the hug.

I only feel comfortable hugging, or being hugged, acceptable when I'm drunk. Sober I just am not a touchy feely person

I'm not a huggy therapist but of course I do if client directed.

I do touch their arm occasionally on the way out. They often lean in.

I think if that is how your therapists works then that is fine.
There are so many forms/theories within the term therapist that it is up to the individual client to make the call on if hugs are inappropriate to them or not.

I don't like this definitive NO answer it is judging and could lead to client damage!
OP if you are not comfortable then say, your therapist is there for you and to facilitate you.

A bunch of people on the internet will have differing views as well as many of us therapist that are here.

It will be for some a boundary thing but again that is between you and your therapist, depending on the 'relationship' you have and what form of therapy you are having.

I would encourage you to bring your question you have asked here into your next session as it seems quite important.

Hugging in session is okay with me. I have asked for hugs and got them but we also talked about it a lot.

I do think texting about it is concerning though regardless of approach. Letting you text = okay. Replying about hugs = not so sure.

Also. It's not your therapist's job to interrupt or relieve you of your upset.

My therapist gave me a hug at the end of my last session. She asked if I wanted one and I said yes. We then discussed the appropriateness of hugging patients/clients (I'm a health professional too). I think in the appropriate circumstances a hug is perfectly fine.

It's not your therapist's job to interrupt or relieve you of your upset.

Isn't this a little dogmatic, unless you're familiar with OP's history and status? What if a client's only beginning to acknowledge feelings of emotional need - can you not imagine a circumstance where it's appropriate for a therapist to validate that and safely offer comfort? There've been many times when I would have hardened right up again if I'd admitted emotional vulnerability my practitioners had determined it wasn't their job to 'relieve' my upset (and many times when this happened.)

I know this is AIBU not MH, but I'm a little uncomfortable about all the rigidity on this thread, particularly coming from self-avowed therapists. I would have thought you'd be looking to support missanxiety through her self-questioning about this, not Telling Her What's Wrong.

I think I've been misunderstood here. It's fine for your therapist to validate your feelings but they're doing you a disservice if they're too hasty in trying to take them away.

YY :) Thanks.

I've had/been offered hugs by more than one therapist & been urged to text or e-mail them (and psychiatrists) if I needed to.

If I've found it problematic it's because i have problems accepting or showing affection or asking for help, not because it seemed inappropriate.

I dunno, it's a bit weird isn't it. With the texting aswell, seems a bit inappropriate for a professional