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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was i wrong to be upset by this?

41 replies

dancestomyowntune · 27/09/2014 17:57

Please be gentle with me, I am genuinely upset by this and very hormonal it is at the moment.

So, backstory:

I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant with baby #5. Dh' s family have known since we found out at about 4 weeks, and not one of them has said congratulations, or shown ANY interest in the baby. They have very little to do with our other four children and I have come to realise nothing is ever going to change.

Fast forward to today. Dh gets a phone call. Have we sorted a pram out yet? Well, no, as I am only twelve weeks and its a bit early. They have seen a second hand travel system at the market. Dh relays this message to me and I text mil to say "thanks for thinking of us but we will sort a pram out at a later date". Half an hour later mil rings dh, they have bought the travel system.

I tell dh I do not want a pram someone else has chosen without consulting me, I certainly don't want a second hand car seat because you have no way of knowing if it has been in an accident or weakened in some way.

I am made to speak to mil. Who tells me "it's got a carrycot, a pushchair, a car seat a rainforest a cosy toes and a bag. We've bought it now and I don't think we can get our money back". By now I am in tears. I try to explain that whilst I appreciate the gesture the pram is an important, big purchase and something I use on a daily basis. I am not happy to have a pram I haven't even seen.

Now I know they are flagging me off to dh, I'm precious, snobby and ungrateful. Maybe I am but I have been here before. With Dd1, who is now 11, and who they tried to take over everything, eventually making me ill, and then with our wedding, where I compromised on so much that they succeeded in ruining the photos, the cake and I now have none of the photos I actually wanted.

They now have very little to do with our children, even though they walk past our door daily to see their other grandchildren. I am not letting them ruin this pregnancy and my enjoyment of this baby.

Aibu? Wwyd?

Sorry that was really long!

OP posts:

3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole · 27/09/2014 18:00

I would be pissed off

You said you didn't want it

Surely she can sell it on if she can't get her money back

gamerchick · 27/09/2014 18:02

Thank them kindly and ask them to keep them at their house to use when the baby visits them when they babysit

Or accept them and pass them to a charity shop.

My ex mil told me she had a pram for me when I was expecting my second.. she had found it in the bushes and was most put out when I declined.

moxon · 27/09/2014 18:05

gamer noooooooo! Bushes???? shudder

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/09/2014 18:05

I would be annoyed about the travel system being bought if I'd said no, irrespective of the back history you have explained.

Carry on enjoying your pregnancy and ignore,ignore, ignore.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 27/09/2014 18:05

Keep the text where you said no thank you.

Just keep replying that you said no thank you. Let your DH deal with them.

Who cares if they think you're snobby and precious? You know you're not. And they don't sound like they're all that.

I'd want to choose my own pram too.

SaucyJack · 27/09/2014 18:05

YANBU at ALL.

Zephyroux · 27/09/2014 18:05

Are they expecting you to pay them for it? If so, I would tell them to jog on, if not, I would do as another poster has said and ask them to keep it at their house. In no way are you being unreasonable, choosing things for your baby is a your pleasure, not theirs.

gamerchick · 27/09/2014 18:08

I know... she was weird like that. Her daughter used to pile knackered housephones and portable telly's.. boots 3 sizes too big worn down at the heel on my doorstep.

Poor relation mentality I think

gamerchick · 27/09/2014 18:09

Yes just let your dude deal with them.. its not worth stressing about OP.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/09/2014 18:09

It really grips my shit when people ask a question and then totally dosregard he amswer given. Why bloody ask in the first place?!

Id just tell DH to tell them that we have already said no we do not want it so of they choose to buy it its their own daft fault for being out of pocket. And impress upon your dh how important it is tlfor him to back you up.

I think the travel system is the straw that broke the camels back though - the general upset is probably to do with how little time they give to your family - which is totally totally understandable in making you upset.

Original poster

dancestomyowntune · 27/09/2014 18:11

Thank you all. I genuinely end up thinking I'm a terrible person, and I want them to care, to be involved, but it's like everything else. They try to manipulate dh and do the "showy" look at us, what good grandparents we are act, but when we actually need them they are nowhere to be seen. I asked them to babysit for a couple of hours for a scan appointment and they said they were working. Fair enough. The following week they had my niece and nephew for the whole weekend and took them to work with them while my sil and her husband went on a jolly. I wouldn't mind but it was the first time in three years we had asked them to have the children.

OP posts:

ILovePud · 27/09/2014 18:15

Pram in bushes, I am speechless! My mum did try to go rummaging in my next door neighbours skip once though as she thought the kids' bikes they were throwing out would do my kids, she was most aggrieved that I stopped her. OP, even if them thinking of you when they saw the travel system was well intentioned, their behaviour afterwards was completely unreasonable and nasty. You politely declined, they went ahead and bought it anyway and have then been horrible to you. There's nothing much you can do to make them behave reasonably so I'd say accept that you can't change them and concentrate on those people in your life who treat you well.

rainbowinmyroom · 27/09/2014 18:17

You told them no. Your husband wusses out and makes you look bad rather than get a spine.

Take the travel system to the charity shop.

Don't ask them to babysit. They won't.

LadyLuck10 · 27/09/2014 18:32

Why do they treat their gc this way? There has to be a reason. Do you have any idea why?

Original poster

dancestomyowntune · 27/09/2014 19:03

Ladyluck when Dd1 was born she was the only grandchild. They were all over her. To the point that before we had even brought her home they were asking when they could have her. They live at the end of our road. When dd 1 was 2 days old sol came to town to visit the baby. They were all told that was fine, but I was spending the day at home so they would have to come to ours. Fil turned up on the doorstep to ask when we were bringing the baby down. Dh explained that I was resting and sil knew that she was welcome to come to us but no, sil had "lots of bags of stuff for the baby, can't you just pop her down the road?". I was in floods of tears, but in order to keep the peace I agreed to go down, but deliberately didn't take a bottle so I could leave quickly. She had 1 bag, I had a baby and was recovering from a birth but I was being inconsiderate expecting her to come to us!

Eventually, after six months of them trying to cut me out of my own daughters life I had a melt down and was diagnosed with PND. I decided to tackle the situation head on and made arrangements for mil to have her for a couple of hours every other week. They pushed and pushed, by the time dd was two that had stretched to all day every Friday. And they never fed her what I put in for her, never told me what she had eaten/done, disregarded my rules (no peanuts/please DON'T cut her nails)/ told her not to tell me things.

When sil had kids they just weren't interested in our kids anymore. Dd1 used to get upset when they promised to watch her ballet shows and never came, or never had time for her, but now she understands. It's so sad. Dd2 (who is 5) doesn't even class them as grandparents. She calls them dad's mum and dads dad. It's their own fault, they aren't interested.

OP posts:

mineymo · 27/09/2014 19:15

"I am not letting them ruin this pregnancy and my enjoyment of this baby."

Remember this sentence.

Try not to worry about what they think of you, it sounds like their opinion is of very little worth! You are in no way being unreasonable, they are. Stand your ground now, and you may well avoid it escalating as it sounds like it did with your first daughter. Good luck to you.

LadyLuck10 · 27/09/2014 19:16

Ok it explains the whole relationship. If you go back to your dd1 birth, they clearly had an issue with control. A situation of do it my way or suit yourself. When you didn't submit to their demands they lost interest. At that very point they decided the extent of the relationship with your dd1 and future gc.

You are now on your 5th child, at this point you should not care anymore about their opinion or want any input from them. It is their loss really. They've chosen not to get to know their own gc.

You shouldn't accept the pram to please anyone. The days of you trying to maintain a relationship have far gone, and it wasn't you who decided that. What's the worst they could say or do now? Is there anything worse than disregarding your children? They've missed out on 4 of your kids, nothing worse really. So politely decline and don't dwell on it. They are not worth so much of your headspace and stress over.

Original poster

dancestomyowntune · 27/09/2014 19:29

Thank you all. I thought I was being unreasonable, but my mum and sister told me not to be so stupid. It's such a shame though, because my dad is dead now, and I have very little family that are close by so my children miss out on having the big extended fAmily. And they are 500 yards away and not really interested.

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 27/09/2014 19:36

It's their loss, start believing in that and you will change the way you feel.
Your kids will be all grown up one day and they will look back and realize that their gc are strangers to them, and that is a shame (for them).
Congrats on no5, how blessed you are.

ToAvoidConversation · 27/09/2014 19:40

12 weeks and they are trying to force a pram on you? I think I would be letting the pregnant lady rage fly.

You are in the right here and they are clearly loons.

phantomnamechanger · 27/09/2014 19:47

blimey people are odd.
I can understand that there may be a feeling of being closer to your own DDs babies than to your DILs babies, but to be virtually N/C when your DGC live just down the road is utterly bonkers.

Take the pram, let DD2 have it for her dollies! It's an unwanted gift for you to use as you will.

MagicMojito · 27/09/2014 19:52

Congratulations on baby #5

Ya so very clearly nbu.
They are however, a bunch of arseholes and your children are lucky that they have to endure minimal time with them. As are you.

Enjoy your lovely family x

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/09/2014 19:59

The thing that gets me is your h passing phone to you. He should have stood up for you and said thanks but no thanks

FavaBeanPyramidScheme · 27/09/2014 20:37

YANBU at all and they sound like wankers!

Stop caring about what they think. Continue to politely say no and let them think and say whatever they want because you don't care. Eat .

Lol uncontrollably at MIL's pram from the bushes

Original poster

dancestomyowntune · 27/09/2014 20:51

Thank you all. You've made me feel so much better. Dd2 has a beautiful, vintage, silver cross coach built dolls pram that I may yet end up putting the baby in as not only is big enough but has a brand new, proper babies mattress in it! She wouldn't want a travel system either!!!

And yes, I am twelve weeks... far too early to be thinking about prams!

OP posts:

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