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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH should pay towards childcare? he's the dc dad after all!! FUME

42 replies

GaryShitpeas · 27/09/2014 11:05

just gone back to work part time, got 2 school age dc and a 6 month old, so its just the 6 month old in childcare

im a self employed cleaner and the childcare is taking half my pay. also I have to drive miles sometimes to get the baby to CM then to my jobs

well i have decided im not fucking slogging my guts out scrubbing peoples houses for £10 - 20 a day FFS

tbf I have not said anything to him yet but aibu to think he should have offered by now??

OP posts:

cupofsneeze · 27/09/2014 11:07

Dont tax credits top up your payments with 70% of the weekly Childcare bill or has it changed?

joanofarchitrave · 27/09/2014 11:07

Yes I think that parents should share the cost of childcare.

Do you get anything else out of working? e.g. NI contributions paid? Is £10 a day what you have left over after childcare or your income?

Would you be interested in becoming a childminder?

Heels99 · 27/09/2014 11:08

Childcare should come out of combined joint income. Sounds like you keep your money separate. You should both have same amount of 'spending money' per month after all fsmily expenses and bills are paid. It sounds like this is not the financial basis you work on. Yanbu but why would you have kids with someone who couldn't be bothered to pay for them?

gentlehoney · 27/09/2014 11:09

Are you still together? And if so why is the money separate? The child care costs should be from the joint family income.

cupofsneeze · 27/09/2014 11:09

Apologies, i didnt realise you are still together!

BettyFocker · 27/09/2014 11:10

Of course YANBU. Even if you have separate accounts, surely all money is family money? Why should only your wages go towards childcare? Then you're just working for nothing.

I don't think he should have offered by now. It should have been obvious to him from the word "go" that childcare is a joint payment.

OfCourseThisIsNotMyUsualName · 27/09/2014 11:10

how would you know that they are not going to pay for them until you have them and the situation arises.

Quitelikely · 27/09/2014 11:10

Sure let you realised you would have to pay childcare costs before you got the job, which in turn surely you discussed with your husband?

HearMyRoar · 27/09/2014 11:13

It shouldn't be a case of asking, it should be something that you discuss together and then make arrangements. Have you talked to him about it at all when you decided to go back to work part time? Surely you would have talked about childcare then and how it would be pain for?

Original poster

GaryShitpeas · 27/09/2014 11:16

its not that straightforward quitelikely

I have had my business a few years and until baby was born I didn't have childcare to pay as other dc were in school (I only work in school hours)

so its only recently childcare costs have come up

exactly betty feel I am working for nothing :( as petrol / cleaning product costs / wear and tear on the car comes out of my "earnings" as well

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/09/2014 11:17

YABU for being so childish and petulant.

The normal way of doing things would have been for the two of you to discuss your budget and organise it so that you both pay for all join things together according to your income.

How can you be married and not talk about this stuff?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/09/2014 11:18

What else does your wage cover? If he pays all bills out of his wage and you pay childcare out of yours, do you both then end up with similar left.over?

Tbh dh and I have always just pooled everything but I know some.people just dont work that way.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/09/2014 11:19

Did you not discuss it? Why are you paying? Aren't you both their parents?

LadyLuck10 · 27/09/2014 11:19

Yanbu, but why are you waiting for him to 'offer'. Stop the politeness because all it's getting you is frustrated and nowhere. He won't be doing you a favour if he pays, he has to! However if you are too nice with all this 'waiting to offer' nonsense he will continue.

Quitelikely · 27/09/2014 11:20

How is it not straight forward? You must have told him you were getting a job and surely the fact that your dd would be going into childcare cropped up!

ElephantsNeverForgive · 27/09/2014 11:23

If you have DCs, married or not, all money goes into a joint account and is shared equally. That's what being a family means!

rainbowinmyroom · 27/09/2014 11:25

How is it not straightforward? I will never in a million years understand people who are a couple and live together like flat mates with benefits.

And then have kid after kid like that.

You don't ask or wait for him to offer!

You discuss and reach an agreement.

maddening · 27/09/2014 11:28

He should get childcare vouchers taken from his wage and save tax - so he would effectively get £243 ccvouchers for £173 out of his wages - surely this is a better use of family money as self employed can't get ccvouchers as far as I am aware.

If you don't have a joint account then you can either both take the same "spending" money out after all household bills are accounted for or proportion the output from each of your wages in line with the percentage you earn - so if he earns 70% and you 30% you put in 30%of the rent, bills,food,childcare etc etc and he the remaining 70% - tbh both taking the equal spends is the easiest but you need to sit down and do an I&e to establish what that amount is.

Dfiance and I both work ft and pay equally from our wages for most things - he earns a little more than I do so he picks up a few extra bills and it all equals out (too lazy to sort joint accounts but we even it out between us) - all the childcare should not be considered to be coming from your wages (unless he is paying all other bills? So it is effectively evened out - in that case you need to accept that the family income is going to be eroded by childcare. So if he earns £2000 and you earn £1000 and you both have £500 after bills and childcare are accounted for then that is fair - and if you weren't working so there was only £500 between you after bills you would be £250 worse off for spending money) so really without knowing how much each of you have after bills and childcare are accounted for it is not possible to know if Yabu or not.

WorraLiberty · 27/09/2014 11:28

YABU to 'FUME' instead of simply speaking to him

Heels99 · 27/09/2014 11:30

Of course it is straight forward unless you are running a multi million empire. You and your dh pool your income and pay fir the expenses out of this joint income. You save some, you each have some spending money, the same amount.

Petrol and car expenses come out of the joint expenses.
Cleaning products presumably are tax deductible as a business expense anyway.
Childcare comes out of joint expenses, look at childcare vouchers as more tax efficient.

These things are family not joint expenses. getting your hair done, going to the cinema etc are personal expenses out your own spending money.

Original poster

GaryShitpeas · 27/09/2014 11:30

we have never pooled everything, I never have, with anyone. fair play to couples that do that, but its not for me

in theory we are meant to have same left every month. we sat down the other month and worked out what bills there were and worked out who would pay what so we had equal amounts left over, (but this was before I went back to work)

but it hasn't really happened that way tbh

I saw his wage slip earlier and without going into financial details he is gona have so much more left to play with than me

seriously not happy at all

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 27/09/2014 11:32

What did yourll arrange to do before having the baby? Surely the issue of childcare came up?

orangetart · 27/09/2014 11:32

All these things could be avoided by having joint finances.

I don't get the anti-joint account thing at all. Split the left over however you want (we don't bother) but really all money in needs to go together and all outgoings come out of that.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/09/2014 11:33

So SPEAK to him.

DH when we last did our budget, 6mo wasnt in childxare. Now we have this additional cost, we need to sit down and re do it.

Heels99 · 27/09/2014 11:33

Well if joint finances " are not for you" then yes, there will be issues like this, he has more money than you because he earns more and you pay all the childcare. Perhaps revisit your thoughts on joint finances it seems to work for all the others on this thread.
Is he the father of the children?

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