to think DH should pay towards childcare? he's the dc dad after all!! FUME

[GaryShitpeas]

just gone back to work part time, got 2 school age dc and a 6 month old, so its just the 6 month old in childcare

im a self employed cleaner and the childcare is taking half my pay. also I have to drive miles sometimes to get the baby to CM then to my jobs

well i have decided im not fucking slogging my guts out scrubbing peoples houses for £10 - 20 a day FFS

tbf I have not said anything to him yet but aibu to think he should have offered by now??

Put both your wages in to a joint account and have ALL bills coming from there. Maintain separate accounts too and transfer the same amount of money in to both ogre your accounts once a month. You have the same amount spending money, as would be assumed for a family. Spend it how you want, but not on your dc. Their expenses come from main account. This means the bills are paid by both of you. Simples.

So you make another budget.

We don't have a joint account either, we also have sorted things out so that we know who pays what bills etc so that things are about equal. I have less (I'm a student) so I pay less. However we both contribute towards childcare, we both have enough money for our personal spends. Dh does a salary sacrifice for childcare vouchers and then I top up the remainder of the bill. Dh is in charge of most of the savings but because I don't pay as many bills I generally have enough in student loan etc to be able to squirrel stuff away and top up my own savings account and shop for Christmas, birthdays etc.

You don't have to pool money for things to be equal. But there does need to be an understanding that childcare is a joint thing, it isn't yours to pay for because it was you who went back to work and created the need for childcare.

DP and I don't have a joint account. But once all bills are paid, the remainder is split between us so we both have the same left to spend.

Could you and your DH do the same sort of set-up and include childcare with the bills? Anything left is divided equally.

We do have a joint account, but what we do is work out Thr total monthly bills (direct debits, regular bills and food costs) and then decide how much we are both putting in to cover that and pay a standing order in from our own current accounts. Then as long as the bill money is paid, anything else we earn is ours to do as we wish with.

Different things work for different people but to be honest op your situation is ludicrous and you put yourself in it by not working out how you will pay bills when your situation was changing. It shouldnt be an offering or a telling, it should be a discussion to see how much you both need to pay.

I don't understand why you're fuming on the internet about this instead of bringing it up with your husband.

Do you really think anyone here is going to say 'YABU: childcare is women's work so if you want to farm it out, you should pay for it out of your wages'?

We're like RJnomore - it doesn't have to be either 'completely separate' or 'completely pooled'. What puts you off joint finances? My father was very unreliable with money and that's the sort of thing that can put people off. However, my remedy is to have joint finances that are absolutely transparent and discussed regularly, with a few lines in the sand (neither of us is to borrow any money that the other doesn't know about).

You need to sit down again together and have another look at things.

You agreed a budget together so your husband is assuming (quite rightly imo) that it is all fine.

Talk again and go through it to make it work.

You don't have to pool everything, we don't. We have a joint account for all bills, mortgage etc. We put a certain amount in every month proportionate to our earnings, so I put in less as I'm part time. If you aren't earning as much why is everything having to be equal and why are you paying for childcare?

So the op is at fault for not starting a conversation about childcare costs with her DH but her DH is not at fault for not doing the same?

Are men not just as capable as women of working out that if someone other than a parent provides care for a child that it costs money?

YABU for not saying anything and discussing it ages ago, and he is BU as well.

I don't understand though. Even if for some bizarre reason you chose not to discuss it beforehand, why did you end up paying the bill? First childcare bill arrives, perhaps you open it. Why did you pay it? Why not say to him at that point, "first bill is here, do you want to pay it and I'll transfer half to your account or vice versa?"

I cannot even comprehend being in a relationship where there is His money and his bills, and Her money and her bills.
Children's costs are a joint costs, as with all household expenses.
Talk to each other like grown up married couples or parents should do.

I agree with WineWineWine as above.

Why would someone share their bed, their body, their life, and even have children with someone they are not prepared to share their money with.

I think your situation is a symptom of having your priorities wrong.

You say finance-sharing is "not for you". Is that also the case for him?

We don't share all finances. We never have, and we have been happily married for over 20 years. There are no secrets. We both know what the other's situation is. We just like it this way.

The thing you do really need to do though is discuss the childcare bills with your husband rather than assuming that he is psychic. It is his child too, so he is equally responsible for helping to foot associated costs.

Perhaps it would save some argument if you agreed to set up a joint account which you will use only to pay for household bills, including childcare. It was the sort of thing we did, but other than that we don't share and don't want to either.

Is it not his responsibility to pay for childcare as it's a cost if him working that he could avoid as a SAHP. The argument can be swung that way.

It should be shared equitably across the parents. The definition of that is flexible depending on their circumstances and amount of disposable income, but one parent shouldn't have their earnings negated by child care when the other has plenty to spare.

But he is presumably paying for absolutely everything else?
I agree with the others, sort out your joint costs of mortgage/bills/childcare etc, then split the remainder in half.

Well if he has considerably more per month left than you then have it out with him - also if there is more free money as you are working take the opportunity to draw out a savings plan - the exercise of doing so would benefit your future as a family as well as your marriage - inequality in a marriage breeds resentments and stress. Once dc are concerned and sacrifices are made by one party for the benefit of the family then without equalising the finances one party is going to feel it to be unfair.