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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not manage to be happy for my SIL...

41 replies

katiesprout · 27/09/2014 11:01

In fact I feel a bit ill.
So, she has debt, but chooses to keep two horses and two dogs. She has a couple of part time low paid jobs that make up a full time wage. She recently got together with a former drug addict (heroin) and we have been struggling to get to grips with this (he's been clean 3 years and his youngest is 3 - he has 5 kids). She suffers with depression and never wanted kids and now at the age of 41 has fallen pregnant. It's supposedly planned. I don't know what to think. I never dreamed that I'd be dealing with this kind of a situation.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/09/2014 11:03

You are dealing with this 'situation'? Hmm

Sorry but you sound like a busybody

Heels99 · 27/09/2014 11:05

Yabu and judgemental.

She works, she manages to look after animals, partner has been clean 3 years. She has depression, so do lots of people and they can still be good parents. It may not be the worlds most ideal situation but to let it make you I'll suggests you are making a right old drama out of it.

AllThatGlistens · 27/09/2014 11:05

Why on earth are you dealing with the situation? Confused

BettyFocker · 27/09/2014 11:06

How are you dealing with the situation?

It doesn't sound like the best situation for your SIL but I don't see what you have to do with it. It's happening so... that's it!

Quitelikely · 27/09/2014 11:08

I'm glad you aren't my SiL. So just because she's not living her life how YOU THINK she should you have decided that you won't be happy for her that she has met someone and fallen pregnant.

Boohoo. Are you sure you have enough oxygen up there in your ivory tower?

ssd · 27/09/2014 11:08

you aren't dealing with it, she is Hmm

is it always all about you op?

Evabeaversprotege · 27/09/2014 11:08

Do you have children op?

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 27/09/2014 11:08

What's it got to do with you?

gordyslovesheep · 27/09/2014 11:11

Good luck to her its bugger all to do with you though

colafrosties · 27/09/2014 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
katiesprout · 27/09/2014 11:12

Sorry, didn't mean "dealing with it" as you're right, I don't have to actually do anything. Not sure what I meant really.

Was just adding info re depression and do not mean that this is a reason for not having kids.

I have 2 children.

They have only been together about 6 months.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/09/2014 11:12

I would imagine it's to do with the OP because her SIL makes it about her by borrowing, asking for favours etc.

Stripylikeatiger · 27/09/2014 11:13

Yanvu.

For her dp to have been clean for 3 years is an amazing achievement, he must be a very determined man.

Do you not have any worries in your own life to focus on?

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/09/2014 11:13

Are you struggling to conceive at the moment?

Does she rely on you and your DH a lot?

I feel as though your op is missing a salient point.

I don't like my brother in law but don't give a shit how he lives his life, as long as he lives it a respectable distance away.

WorraLiberty · 27/09/2014 11:15

Are your kids the only grandchildren in the family at the moment?

ChippingInLatteLover · 27/09/2014 11:17

What has any of it got to do with you?

pieceoftoast · 27/09/2014 11:17

3 years clean is a brilliant achievement. It's highly likely he'll remain so having made it to 3 years.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/09/2014 11:18

Hi O.P don't want to jump on the band wagon. I've had it happen to me and it's not nice so I would not do it to anyone else, but with all due to respects I do have to echo what other have said although some people have been somewhat disrespectful but that's another story.
How are you dealing with this. I don't get it. How is your S.I.L having a baby going to affect you, or are you envious due to ttc problems. If so no-one would think any the less of you. Women do get feelings like that. I had a cry yesterday when I saw someone was pregnant on the conceptions board. I said congratulations but I will admit I came off mumsnet and got jealous and upset and even felt inferior, and that was only about someone with a username on the internet. so goodness knows what I'd be like if it was R.L and if that's not the reason and I have jumped the gun in a major way then I truly aplogise, but if on the other hand you are you being judgemental then I'm sorry but Y.A.B.U

PercyHorse · 27/09/2014 11:19

If they had a choice, I don't think anyone would choose a recovering heroin addict with 5 children to be the father of a family member's child. Particularly for a family member who is already dealing with debt and depression.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/09/2014 11:22

Ehh im so confused? Its fine to think "hmmm sil is is a really shitty situation" but your post just seems to be about how hard this is for you.
Is it even anything to do with you?

maddy68 · 27/09/2014 11:22

Absolutely nothing to do with you. End of.

MyFairyKing · 27/09/2014 11:25

YABU and very judgmental. Unless you've missed an important point, like the others, I don't see what it has to do with you.

Idontseeanysontarans · 27/09/2014 11:28

So let's look at it a different way:
Your SIL manages to look after 3 animals on a fairly strict budget and works I would imagine an awful lot if hours. Debts can be paid off.
Her choice of partner has enough self control and self respect to get himself off heroin and stay clean for 3 years. He has children, and contact with said children, yes?
How does it affect you at all unless she continually borrows money and mothers you for favours?
Is she a nice person? Is her partner nice? Does he treat her well?

kiki0202 · 27/09/2014 11:32

Is she the type of person to do crazy things then come crying to the family when it all goes tits up? My sister does things like get into debt and we need to help sort it, drinks all her money then comes to us for money for food, was adamant she wanted to be a mother then neglected her child until my mum took her. She falls from one crap situation to another expecting us to pick up the pieces if your SIL is the same YANBU it's very hard.

However if she doesn't expect you to help or come crying to you then you just need to ignore it.

BustyCraphopper · 27/09/2014 11:34

Glad you are not my SIL

I get severe depression and anxiety. I used to have alcohol problems and major severe eating disorders.

When I met my now dp I was in the middle of a severe depression episode and an alcohol relapse.

When dd1 was born I had been dry 3 years and still having the odd eating disorder minor relapse. At 37.

At 40 I have been dry 6 years, no ED relapses for 3 years and have had dd2. I still get anxiety. Only just quit my job to be a SAHM however. And I never never let my issues impact on my job (weekends and holidays...)

Who says I can't be a good parent ?