AIBU to not manage to be happy for my SIL...

[katiesprout]

In fact I feel a bit ill.
So, she has debt, but chooses to keep two horses and two dogs. She has a couple of part time low paid jobs that make up a full time wage. She recently got together with a former drug addict (heroin) and we have been struggling to get to grips with this (he's been clean 3 years and his youngest is 3 - he has 5 kids). She suffers with depression and never wanted kids and now at the age of 41 has fallen pregnant. It's supposedly planned. I don't know what to think. I never dreamed that I'd be dealing with this kind of a situation.

Glad you are not my SIL

I get severe depression and anxiety. I used to have alcohol problems and major severe eating disorders.

When I met my now dp I was in the middle of a severe depression episode and an alcohol relapse.

When dd1 was born I had been dry 3 years and still having the odd eating disorder minor relapse. At 37.

At 40 I have been dry 6 years, no ED relapses for 3 years and have had dd2. I still get anxiety. Only just quit my job to be a SAHM however. And I never never let my issues impact on my job (weekends and holidays...)

Who says I can't be a good parent ?

Yabu

Your concerns seem to go far further than the new man and baby....

Her 'low paid' jobs her choice to keep her horses....

She cries to her parents about not having money and has borrowed thousands from them. Has only just started paying for her own car insurance. Owes us money and her ex boyfriend thousands (although even before this we have written it off in our heads). I not saying that she won't be a loving mother. It is just a huge surprise and complete change of heart for her - very quickly.

Btw, her parents struggle to bail her out - they are not wealthy and live on a strict budget. But I realise that is their choice.

She's not the first person to change her mind about having kids and she won't be the last.

Other than the money she owes you, nothing you have posted is any of your business.

Stop lending her money.

We haven't lent her money for 8 years. She has paid us back £50 of £1000.

Well more fool everyone for bailing her out constantly....

Time to stand on her own 2 feet I guess now.

It's none of your business, tbh.

Well sil has involved family in her life by taking money to subsidise her lifestyle or choices and not paying it back - of course the family are worried as it'll be them bailing her out again otherwise there will be risk to her child - it's easier to say no to just an adult but when that impacts their gc the gps will find it harder to say no - plus a heroin addict (even clean for 3 years) is an additional risk.

So yes the op can feel concerned as this woman's choices will potentially impact them financially or emotionally - hopefully not - it may be the thing that makes her turn her life around and the partner may remain clean and be a wonderful father and a lovely relationship with his other children but based on their histories there is a big chance that they don't and the situation is impacted upon a small baby and the rest of her family who end up supporting her as they can't let the child get lost in the situation - I guess the op and family have a sense of dread due to the propensity of sil to screw up and rely on them for help whilst not helping herself.

She recently got together with a former drug addict (heroin) and we have been struggling to get to grips with this (he's been clean 3 years and his youngest is 3 - he has 5 kids).

Just want to add that I think the key word here is former. It sounds like he has turned his life around and being clean for 3 years is a huge achievement. It would be wonderful if people who suffer drug addictions could be admired for getting themselves clean and move on with their lives rather than having to live with the stigma and judgement forever.

Yy lookingspiffy, I've watched an acquaintance coming through the other side of heroin addiction and sort his life out, he's 4 years clean now with a steady job and a wonderful young family.

But busty - surely while your family are there for you and love you you can appreciate that there may have been a worry of another relapse - with the added pressure of children some might flourish but others may not - so compared to another parent with no history of mh or alcohol problems those with such a history have a far bigger challenge as they enter the world of parenting - you have done amazingly - maybe being a parent is part of that (my best friend was all over the shop with alcohol and drugs but as soon as she got pregnant it was like a light switched on - she is the most sensible person ever now and the best mother I know ) but there is a higher chance of someone turning to alcohol and drugs if they are previous addicts than another parent who have not been addicts - and when that happens the fallout impacts children and puts a strain on the close family - it doesn't mean the op or the parents love her any less but the potential for her to not cope is higher than for others. They have a right be be concerned but should treat the sil with respect and support in the hope that all goes well.

This woman's relationship with her parents and what she does/doesn't borrow from them, does not concern the OP though maddening.

If someone rocked up and married my brother tomorrow, that would not give her the right to judge or criticise my relationship/arrangements with my parents.

And it certainly wouldn't give her the right to sit in judgement on my choice of partner or decision to have a baby.

You don't have to be happy for her but a bit of support would be nice

We all take wrong turns in life , give her a break

To be fair, op has every right to judge, if she wants. Presumably she isn't planning to voice these opinions to her sil?

yabu