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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that the doctors would tell you if you nearly died.

73 replies

Isthiswierd · 27/09/2014 00:12

Apologies in advance because this is long. Apologies for all the details but they are relevant. Oh and I've name changed for this because I don't want my friend to be doxxed. There is a too long/didn't read at the bottom.

This is about Person A and their close relative, Person B, who appears to be a bit odd.

Person A is pregnant and the same complications arise two times, basically a kidney infection that requires hospitalisation four around 4 days. Person A cannot eat because of excessive vomiting and needs antibiotic drip and pain killers. So two hospital stays of around 4 days.

While in hospital, Person A is apparently considered well enough to get out of bed and move around at will, go to the toilet on their own, collect own dishes for providing urine samples, wonder around to the breakfast room and so forth. Person A's baby is monitored for an hour one morning during this. This only happens once during the two stays. The baby is totally fine, normal heart beat and movement etc. No other testing, other then the vitals which everyone has to do anyway, are taken during this stay.

Person A is told that the reason for the hospital stay is that there are ketones in the urine samples and that these need to fall to an acceptable level before Person A will be allowed to leave as these are indicative of state of health of kidneys.

Person A almost never sees a doctor during either of these visits. Midwives are calm and appear unconcerned about Person A's health. Person A's buzzes for attention often go unanswered for over half an hour, so Person A does not appear to be at the top of the priority list. Person A reviews her own notes which seem totally routine and non alarmist and Person A recovers full health.

During this hospital stay Person B visits Person A and is perfectly pleasant and appears to be calm but concerned.

Person A is not considered to have an at risk pregnancy despite these complications, is not sent to see a specialist of any kind and does not receive any special attention during labour. Person A delivers a perfectly healthy baby, on time with a very good birth weight.

This is where it gets weird

Person A walks away from the whole experience believing that while annoying, these complications where fairly routine and non life threatening.

Some months later, Person B tells Person A that she shouldn't attempt a second pregnancy. Person B claims that he/she spoke to a midwife whilst at the hospital and that this midwife tells him/her that Person A and Person A's baby nearly died in the night and that they came close to loosing both of them.

Person A has never suspected this. In Person A's opinion her treatment while in hospital and her notes show nothing of the sort.

Also Person A's husband, the closer relative, was never informed of this supposed near death experience and Person A's husband was not called to the hospital this night, or any night which it seems like he should have been had Person A and Baby A been at deaths door.

Person A also believes that, given that Person A was conscious and mentally sound the whole time, surely the doctors or someone would have revealed their concerns to Person A herself.

Person A believes that Person B might be making this 'near death' thing up for their own strange reasons, which are unknown.

TL/DR

Person B told Person A that they nearly died during a hospital stay when pregnant. Person A thinks this is not true as she was not told this. Surely the hospital would tell you if you nearly died?

OP posts:
ChristmasYoni · 27/09/2014 12:58

I suggest person A makes an appointment with consultant to speak about any future pregnancies and the complications that could arise from the previous problems. They will be advised whether they are able to safely carry another pregnancy. Simple!

ToAvoidConversation · 27/09/2014 13:05

Maybe someone told Person B that Person A's condition was 'dangerous' (if not treated) for her and the baby and Person B is over dramatising the situation?

NancyCracker · 27/09/2014 15:31

Is person B, the mother of Person A?

Floralnomad · 27/09/2014 15:37

Person B is a nut job who wants a bit of drama in their life .

Letitsnow9 · 27/09/2014 15:37

I wouldn't take advice on from person b on whether to have another child or not but if I was A I would go and see my GP and discuss it with them

Didactylos · 27/09/2014 15:46

If person A is concerned about what Person B is saying then she could contact the hospital and ask for a notes debrief eg an explanation of her hospital stay and events which would make sure she had full info

if person B mentions the issue again then it can be clearly and confidently shut down eg 'its odd a mw gave you that info' ' thats not what happened' 'im fully aware of the events of my hospital stay' or even 'i dont need your advice about my family planning'

or person A could just skip straight to the last phrase and keep repeating it

Oneandonlyone · 27/09/2014 16:01

Doctors don't usually tell you that you almost died. What would be the therapeutic point? Almost none, barring circumstances where the cause is felt to be self inflicted (alcohol or drug abuse, smoking while hooked up to oxygen). Plus, that's what the doctors are trained for. So they deal with it, and on you go. Having a patient panic that they're about to die won't help them live.

But in the circumstances I also suspect that A wasn't dicing with death the way B insists. The totality of the circumstances doesn't scream "red alert." B is lying through her teeth about multiple things, including how she obtained the information.

When I was pregnant and in and out of hospital they sent my file home with someone else by accident at two in the morning. Someone was fired, I was moved to a private room and you couldn't look at me sideways unless you were the matron. And they wouldn't even tell my husband what happened without my explicit consent, and they knew he was my husband! In my case the confidentiality breach was a simple mistake (two in the morning, same first name as lady who took the file) but everyone knows they take these breaches of confidentiality seriously. Medical professionals are very well versed in the various ruses used by the prying relative (and count me among those who say it's either MIL or mum. Why would she even care about someone else?)

Lonelynessie · 27/09/2014 16:05

It sounds to me like person B is a drama llama and a bit of a fantasist.

HicDraconis · 27/09/2014 19:19

Doctors don't usually tell you that you almost died. What would be the therapeutic point?

Thee are several reasons why we tell patients (after the event, obviously) how sick they were. There may be implications for health related issues further down the line being the main one.

In terms of Person A, there would be implications for the safety or management of future pregnancies and so yes she absolutely would have been told. The therapeutic benefit here is to try to reduce or prevent similar complications and increase the chances of a healthy pregnancy and straightforward delivery.

Oneandonlyone · 28/09/2014 00:52

But would you actually phrase it as "you almost died?" I'm genuinely curious here.

But after the event, that I can see. While you're sti in hospital being sick, maybe not so much.

icedgem30 · 28/09/2014 01:57

When my mum was admitted with pancreatitis she saw a doctor in A and E. He saw her the next day and he point blank told her that he was surprised she made it through the night.

My best friend took himself to A and E with severe abdo pain. Several times he was sent home until he colapsed and refused to move because he just knew something was happening. His bowel had torn, they were completely up front and told him had he gone home like they told him to ge would have died over the weekend.

I don't think they hide these things from patients. Person B is full of rubbish I believe. Is there a reason why person B doesn't want person A to have another baby and is using this as an excuse?

Thumbwitch · 28/09/2014 07:11

I have a friend who nearly died giving birth - her first twin was born but the second one got stuck, and she had to be whisked to theatre as his heart rate was dropping. It was touch and go for both of them - her DH was informed (and had been left literally holding the other baby) so was in an absolute state waiting to find out if his wife and son were going to make it.

I can't believe they wouldn't have at least mentioned something to Person A's DH, if not her, if there were any risk to her having more children.

Thumbwitch · 28/09/2014 07:14

Oh, and my mum was told that if she'd been a day later to hospital with a perforated infected diverticulum, they wouldn't have been able to save her. As it was, it was a close run thing - there was pus in her abdomen, so as well as giving her an emergency colostomy, they had to hoik out all her abdominal organs, wash out the cavity, and then put them back again. Turning over was awful for ages after, because everything slopped around inside like spaghetti, she said, until the areolar tissue re-established itself and held it all in place again.

HicDraconis · 28/09/2014 07:32

Oneandonlyone Depending on the situation, I'd start the conversation by asking the patient what they remember of their admission and what they understood was the main concern.

Then I'd explain things that were misunderstood or clarify any points.

Then I'd tell them I'm glad everything has worked out well and that they've made a good recovery as they had been so critically ill (and explain at which point and why) that we had been concerned they may not survive.

Then I'd give them time to digest that, and ask if they had any questions. Most patients are aware of how sick they were.

StripyBanana · 28/09/2014 09:29

I think I need to go back and hear what happened at some point. It's nearly my little ones third birthday and reading this is still bringing back the panic.

Petallic · 28/09/2014 09:39

I agree Person B has their own weird agenda. I was very ill after my births and I couldn't move for drs traipsing in and out of my room. I knew once they were no longer interested in visiting me I was out of the woods. So based on my experiences I would guess that Person A wasn't at "deaths door" if she didn't have gaggles of drs talking over her. Although they didn't tell me quite so bluntly how ill I was after, I did get a debrief type visit from consultant but he picked his language carefully.

Is Person B the MIL by any chance?

GemmaTeller · 28/09/2014 09:49

When I turned up to visit my husband in hospital, his bed was empty, stripped and at a weird angle in the room.

The ward sister took me to the 'quiet room', gave me a huge hug, the doctor turned up and phrase used was ' we nearly lost him there'.

Allisgood1 · 28/09/2014 09:56

The midwife had the wrong person.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 28/09/2014 10:09

I would imagine that if there was a serious risk to A if she were to go through another pregnancy, the medical staff would have pointed this out at some point. PersonB is talking rubbish.

YouTheCat · 28/09/2014 10:25

They wouldn't give this information to a random relative and not person A.

Person B is talking crap.

MyFairyKing · 28/09/2014 10:56

I think there is a distinct line between "you could have died" and "you nearly died". People hear what they want to hear.

Hillbilly71 · 28/09/2014 10:57

Person A to Person B: thanks so much for the information. It really shocked me. I've taken a while to think about it and got more angry so have spoken to the hospital and made a formal complaint. They sent me some forms and I've written down exactly what you said and your contact details. So expect a call. I reckon that midwife will get dismissed because of this!

zipzap · 28/09/2014 12:03

I'd also add a jealous sister or sil onto the list of people that B could be - doesn't want A to have any more kids as they take the attention away from her...

As for being seriously I'll - dh got taken into hospital with what they thought was an anxiety attack but his bp was a bit high so the ambulance men decided to get him checked out even though their ECG machine said he was ok. When hooked up to the bigger ECG machine in a&e it quickly became clear he was having a heart attack - his cubicle became a hive of activity as they started to unplug everything to wheel him through to the critical care bit and the a&e consultant appeared who said to both of us that he was having a heart attack and being moved on and after a few minutes of being stabilised he would be put into an ambulance where he would be bluelighted to a nearby specialist hospital to have a stent in there and then. I don't remember him ever saying that he could die but it wasn't needed, it would have been an extra thing to say when time was critical - for me it was more telling that he didn't say 'don't worry, you're not going to die'. Having said that, I do appreciate that you're more likely to think of bad outcomes when heart attacks are involved than pregnancy illnesses so they might think that there's less need to say it in the circumstances - which again reinforces that if there were big risks to you either then or for the future then they would tell you. Bit late if you go in 10 weeks pg and they say ah yes you shouldn't have got pg as it will be really bad for you!

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