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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that the doctors would tell you if you nearly died.

73 replies

Isthiswierd · 27/09/2014 00:12

Apologies in advance because this is long. Apologies for all the details but they are relevant. Oh and I've name changed for this because I don't want my friend to be doxxed. There is a too long/didn't read at the bottom.

This is about Person A and their close relative, Person B, who appears to be a bit odd.

Person A is pregnant and the same complications arise two times, basically a kidney infection that requires hospitalisation four around 4 days. Person A cannot eat because of excessive vomiting and needs antibiotic drip and pain killers. So two hospital stays of around 4 days.

While in hospital, Person A is apparently considered well enough to get out of bed and move around at will, go to the toilet on their own, collect own dishes for providing urine samples, wonder around to the breakfast room and so forth. Person A's baby is monitored for an hour one morning during this. This only happens once during the two stays. The baby is totally fine, normal heart beat and movement etc. No other testing, other then the vitals which everyone has to do anyway, are taken during this stay.

Person A is told that the reason for the hospital stay is that there are ketones in the urine samples and that these need to fall to an acceptable level before Person A will be allowed to leave as these are indicative of state of health of kidneys.

Person A almost never sees a doctor during either of these visits. Midwives are calm and appear unconcerned about Person A's health. Person A's buzzes for attention often go unanswered for over half an hour, so Person A does not appear to be at the top of the priority list. Person A reviews her own notes which seem totally routine and non alarmist and Person A recovers full health.

During this hospital stay Person B visits Person A and is perfectly pleasant and appears to be calm but concerned.

Person A is not considered to have an at risk pregnancy despite these complications, is not sent to see a specialist of any kind and does not receive any special attention during labour. Person A delivers a perfectly healthy baby, on time with a very good birth weight.

This is where it gets weird

Person A walks away from the whole experience believing that while annoying, these complications where fairly routine and non life threatening.

Some months later, Person B tells Person A that she shouldn't attempt a second pregnancy. Person B claims that he/she spoke to a midwife whilst at the hospital and that this midwife tells him/her that Person A and Person A's baby nearly died in the night and that they came close to loosing both of them.

Person A has never suspected this. In Person A's opinion her treatment while in hospital and her notes show nothing of the sort.

Also Person A's husband, the closer relative, was never informed of this supposed near death experience and Person A's husband was not called to the hospital this night, or any night which it seems like he should have been had Person A and Baby A been at deaths door.

Person A also believes that, given that Person A was conscious and mentally sound the whole time, surely the doctors or someone would have revealed their concerns to Person A herself.

Person A believes that Person B might be making this 'near death' thing up for their own strange reasons, which are unknown.

TL/DR

Person B told Person A that they nearly died during a hospital stay when pregnant. Person A thinks this is not true as she was not told this. Surely the hospital would tell you if you nearly died?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 27/09/2014 07:06

It does very much sound like person B is a fantasist.

But I feel it's worth noting - the notes can be fairly opaque. (Docs tend not to write "OMG she nearly died last night, fecking terrifying!" in the notes) If person A isn't a medic, they might not understand bits of them. So reviewing the notes with a midwife or doctor might not be a bad idea.

Itsjustmeagain · 27/09/2014 07:13

I think person b is exaggerating.

When I had dc2 I was taken into hospital because I had preeclampsia. I was having to record everything I drank and measure all my wee! All of s sudden I had 0 wee - literally it didn't work anymore, nothing came out.
I went into labour again really suddenly and as far as I was aware gave birth in a relatively normal way naturally. Within 10 minutes of the birth I was on the toilet the flood gates opened Blush

It was only the next day that the midwife told me that they had been really concerned as my kidneys were failing and that when I was giving birth there was 2 doctors sitting in the joining room waiting to rush in if needed!

HicDraconis · 27/09/2014 07:30

Person B is talking bollocks. Big hairy donkey's.

If someone is admitted with ante natal concerns and there is reason to believe that their life or that of their baby is at risk, the room becomes full of people. Midwives, obstetricians, anaesthetists, paediatricians, neonatal nurses - there are lots of people. We might all be radiating calm but you can tell if there are lots of us, there's something amiss.

She would also have had emergency lscs discussed with her if things were that serious. And, you know, slightly more monitoring. In my hospital she'd have been moved to icu/hdu if she'd been "nearly lost" in the night. And yes, nok (so her husband) would have been contacted.

I have no idea what B stands to gain from all of this palaver but unless A has extremely poor memory then B is wrong. As has been said, A can request a notes debrief with regard to her antenatal admissions if she is concerned, with a senior midwife / O&G doc. She can raise this near death experience and get clarification (and confirmation that B is talking out of his/her arse).

WanderingTrolley1 · 27/09/2014 07:41

I had an emergency c-section. It wasn't until a few weeks after the event, that I learnt (from theatre staff and my GP) exactly how close it was :(

At the time, they are extremely calm and professional so as not to panic you any further.

Thumbwitch · 27/09/2014 07:51

Unless person B is, or claimed to be, a near relative of similar stance to person A's next of kin, then it's unlikely the MW or any other member of staff would have said any such thing to them, so for that reason I say bollocks to it.

But I do think that it is possible that people could have had a near-death experience and not been informed of it, although obviously that shouldn't happen - debriefs should be available to all, I think, even if it's just "all went completely as planned, totally straightforward, nothing to worry about, call us if you feel unwell blah blah".

As this appears not to be the case though, since Person A has no blanks and her DH wasn't told of anything, then I'd be wondering what person B has to gain by this lie.

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/09/2014 07:52

B is not to be trusted

A needs to have a proper conversation with a doctor about the risks of another baby, in any case. Not least because four weeks in hospital is a lot trickier when you already have a LO

Calaveras · 27/09/2014 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HavanaSlife · 27/09/2014 10:46

Same thing happened with me when pg with ds1, noone nearly died and I doubt person A nearly died either!

Person B sounds odd, I very much doubt they would have been told anything regarding person A and her pregnancy

HavanaSlife · 27/09/2014 10:48

Oh and ive had 4 more dc and never had any problems with my kidneys in the other pg

gentlehoney · 27/09/2014 11:02

Do you think it could be a case of mistaken identity and B was accidentally given the details of someone else?

skylark2 · 27/09/2014 11:05

I think Person B has either made it up or is imagining it. Even if it was true (and it makes no sense for it to be true, you don't not monitor a baby who you've nearly lost during the night), telling a random visitor about it would be a massive breach of confidentiality.

Dawndonnaagain · 27/09/2014 11:08

I was once taken into hospital at about eight in the evening. I had an operation at 4 a.m. Didn't occur to me that anything was particularly serious until a few months later when it was pointed out to me that they don't operate at four in the morning as a matter of course.

SweetsForMySweet · 27/09/2014 11:44

I suspect that person B is mother to person A and person B is a little over anxious rather than trying to cause trouble. It is unlikely that staff told person B that person A shouldn't have another pregnancy due to life or death situation. If there is a risk to Person A by having another pregnancy, it would be discussed with Person A (and her dh) and the dangers would be outlined. Person B could have had a conversation with a Mw but misinterpreted what was said at the time. If person A is in doubt (whether she plans on having more dc or not), it would be worth speaking to their Gp about her concerns, I'm sure the Gp would have been sent a follow up letter regarding their patient as standard procedure.

Topaz25 · 27/09/2014 12:12

I don't buy person B's story because it would be a breach of confidentiality for a midwife to give her that information without discussing it with person A. Person B could be bullshitting or she could be a nervous person who has misunderstood something the midwife said or exaggerated person A's health problems in her mind and might genuinely believe what she is saying, even though it is inaccurate. Only person A can decide which is the case, based on her relationship with person B.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/09/2014 12:13

I think B is an overly anxious drama queen bullshitter unless they spoke to an ill informed unprofessional midwife.

duchesse · 27/09/2014 12:19

Given patient confidentiality rules, Person B is highly unlikely to have been told anything that Person A had not been told.

I suspect that Person B is a typical attention-seeking crisis junkie.

duchesse · 27/09/2014 12:21

I'd bet my bottom pound that Person B is either mother or MIL to Person A, probably first grandchild, and reacting badly/weirdly to the experience of shifting a generation upwards. Also feeling sidelined in the creation of the new generation and anxious to claw back some limelight- also something she can report in breathy tones to her friends. I've seen mothers/grandmothers do this. It may pass.

duchesse · 27/09/2014 12:23

I'm thinking that rather than a midwife, Person B gained that information from his/her next door neighbour's cat's mother's cousin's third hand knowledge and is using it to put the last possible little bit of pressure on Person A to do what s/he says. It's a control thing. Person B seriously needs to back off and butt right out.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 27/09/2014 12:26

Is person B normally a drama lama? The midwife would have breeched confidentiality and would have informed person A and DH. Best way to find out, ask which midwife- description from Friend B- then once she describes make it clear you are writing to the hospital to queries this. Then watch person B freak out.

LineRunner · 27/09/2014 12:35

The key to understanding this bullshit is to ask what does B hope to gain by curtailing the chances of a 2nd baby? Is B, as duchesse says, reeling from the generational shift? Does she feel imposed upon? Or is she bonkers?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/09/2014 12:39

I think that doctors don't necessarily spell out exactly how close you were to dying but there are lots of clues once you think about it.

Like several others I haemorrhaged with my first baby (and my second but not so much) and at the time it didn't seem a big deal but there are lots of things that we realised later:-

"We need to stop this bleed right now" said in a very very calm voice
"I can't leave here" said by my doctor when a midwife ran in describing something sounding pretty awful with another patient
"She still a bit poorly so I'm not happy sending her down to the labour ward just yet" said by midwife when someone came in in search of beds
And most telling of all "now I know you've had a bit of a rough time so just let us know if you want us to look after the baby for a few hours while you get a rest".

duchesse · 27/09/2014 12:45

Mum, I had same experience- not haemorrhage but uncontrolled infection in DD3 and me, with massive decelerations. They were calm, but you could tell it was professional calm. They called an anaesthetist out from theatre to set up my IV (my veins were collapsing and "normal" doctor couldn't do it) obstetrician (still b calmly) said "we need to get this baby out NOW", the room filled with people doing their job methodically and quickly, and even earlier in that strange evening my wonderful laid back community midwife was visibly nervous. Even though the atmosphere was calm, there was a distinct undertow and I definitely knew something was amiss even though the signs were not as clear as they were for you (until about 10mn before the CS and DD's heart was nearly stopping).

duchesse · 27/09/2014 12:46

Line- or worried about losing person A should this happen again?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/09/2014 12:52

duchesse I really had no idea until I saw the reactions of people when I happily told them my birth story. (Particularly my 35 week friend who looked terrified!) At the time I just thoug that this was what happens when you have a baby!

I suspect because once you start haemorrhaging you become more and more divorced from reality as you sort of drift away.

You were obviously far more on the ball than me to notice these things at the time.

GemmaTeller · 27/09/2014 12:56

Person B is lying.

My DH was touch and go / nearly died in hospital - we knew all about it and its all over his notes.