To refuse my DD a sleepover

[frankie80]

DD is 6.5. She has a friend at school and they regularly go to each others houses for playdates. Both me and friend's mum drop off/pick up etc.

DD's friend is a nice wee girl, terrified of my dog but otherwise she's fine. Her mum is nice too.

DD has a playdate at friend's house tomorrow. friend's mum asked (not for the first time) if DD can stay over.

I said no, stating that I felt DD was still too young. I got the impression the mum is a bit offended now.

I've never been in the girl's house, nor has her mum been in mine. I don't know what its like, if its clean etc although DD is the type of girl to tell me if its not!

DD can wake up in the night and want in my bed cause she can be scared of the dark, she also loves her sleep and doesn't like staying up late.

I know DD will be p*ssed off if her friend mentions I said 'no' but I don't think DD is ready.

Also what is worrying me is that the mum has a new boyfriend (whom I haven't met) and DD's friend keeps saying he looks like a druggie. I'm not saying he is one but it made me feel a bit uncomfortable as well as the fact that he is a new, strange man.

AIBU? How do I handle offending the mum and DD being cross with me!

I would say no when they're that young too, quite apart from any other issues.

Yanbu for all the things you mentioned especially the new guy. However why don't you start building up to sleep overs by inviting the mum over and getting to know her better, seeing as your dd and her dd seem very close?
In the mean time a simple you think she's too young should be fine. Don't be afraid of your dds reaction, you are the parent.

Why don't you explain to the mum your reasons behind not wanting her to sleepover? Your dd getting scared in the night seems reasonable. As for the boyfriend,is a 6 year old really describing someone as a druggie?

I would be more concerned about a 6.5yr old who describes someone as a druggie.

yes Nora, she says her mums boyfriend looks like a druggie.

I have said DD is too young and explained she sometimes doesn't sleep well but the mum came across as offended (it was via FB though so you can't always tell with tone)

All her friends seem to be having sleepovers although the parents socialise together. I just feel guilty that DD is missing out.

the girl's older sister has a friend staying over so I think she doesn't want the girl missing out.

As for the boyfriend,is a 6 year old really describing someone as a druggie? This was my first thought too actually. I can't give advice on the situation as DD is much younger but I was surprised to hear that a 6 year old described someone in this way but also that you believe it if she did?

I'd be very worried that a 6 year old is describing someone as a druggie too - where has she heard that?

The mum seems a nice sensible woman so I doubt he is a druggie but yes, it is strange for the girl to describe him as that.

Its not something I want to ask the mum though!

I am surprised you let her go and play at a house you haven't been in. Don't you at least go into the hall when you drop off and pick up? Fwiw, I think 6 is too young for a sleepover. My dd is 7 and some of her friends do have them but I don't want my dd to do it yet.

It's bloody wierd for a six year old to describe someone as looking like a druggie.

And noYANBU to say no to sleepover.

I'd want to know how a 6 yo even knows what a druggie is... I'd be seriously concerned about that tbh, and probably stop play dates since a 6yo who knows what one is has clearly been too exposed to that sort of environment...

We never allowed a sleepover until we had met the parents (or step as the case might be) - and we did not expect to host one until the other parents had met us. No exceptions. Parents' responsibility.

The fact that the 6 year old described the boyfriend as 'looking like a druggie' probably suggests that he isn't at all. It sounds like something she has overheard adults joking about.

The 6yo saying 'looks like a druggie'

Very young to say such things

You have made your mind up so don't over think it.

We've , and most of our friends, have allowed sleepovers since the kids were about four. But it is with people who we're the friends of the parents of too, which I guess makes a difference.
I will defo say children who don't are missing out - it's definitely both my girls favourite thing to do.

Not at all
That said I have a 9 year old and have a blanket no sleepover rule unless the parents are really good friends if mine. You just don't know for sure what homes they're going into and who might be there

YANBU if you do not know the mum or her new boyfriend very well then you are right to trust your instincts, make your excuses, and say no. I really regret allowing to my DD go to a sleepover in the past. I thought I knew the family quite well but I wasn't aware that the father had a drink problem and thought nothing of drinking and then driving with kids in the car. I won't be making that mistake again.

for me personally I don't think she is too young - i regularly take Rainbow Guides away at 5 who manage perfectly well. however, you are her mum and irrespective of anything else if you are not happy for her to go then that is all that matters.

I have a dd the same age and think it's too young. I let my eldest go to an 8th birthday sleepover when he was nearly 8. He needed the child's mum to care for him and help him. Now he's done a few he is ok. But 6 is much too young IMO. I've just said no to a sleepover and my dd agrees that she doesn't want to go. She likes the idea - wants to host a sleepover but I won't allow that either as I don't want upset 6yos.

My 6yo has had a friend to sleepover but has never gone to any. He is not ready. Some kids are but others need to be a bit older.

Quite sensible of you to be wary and tough luck if she is offended. Your child's wellbeing takes priority over her feelings. However, it can be a good idea to pick up the phone to talk, soften the rejection with tone.

Too young, in my opinion, at 6.5. Plenty of time ahead, for sleepovers, when she is older.
Am really surprised that a young child would be describing someone as looking 'like a druggie'!

DS1 is quite a 'mature' 6, but I don't feel that he's ready to go to a sleepover. He has a very occasional accident still (probably only once a month on average), and he's quite sensitive about it. My very thoughtful 4 year old offering him one of his 'big boy pull ups' whenever it happens doesn't help He'd be mortified if he had an accident at a friends house, so I don't want to risk it.

I also don't feel ready to have another 6 year old to sleep over. At 6 they can still be very erratic with sleep patterns, still potentially having waking up problems or creeping into mum and dads bed in the small hours.

I don't want to risk waking up with a random child squeezed in between me and dh tbh! So it will probably be a couple of years before sleepovers start.

My dd as asked to go on sleepovers at her friends house at this age. I said no, even though the parents were my friends. Dd didn't sleep through every night and would often wake in the night upset. I didn't want that happening at a friends house and the parents having to deal with her upset. Now she is 8, she is much better and has been to sleepovers and had friends to stay here.

I wouldn't feel confident about my 6 year old son going to stay at a friends if I didn't know the parents well and from the way you are describing the family, would say no.

Oh I always say no. My DD is also 6. Problem is that they THINK they want a sleepover but the reality is not as fun as they suspect.

Sleepovers weren't even a "thing" until fairly recently...not unless you were related or very close friends. A combo of too much American television and listening too much to kids has driven the trend.

Sleepovers weren't even a "thing" until fairly recently...not unless you were related or very close friends. A combo of too much American television and listening too much to kids has driven the trend.

Really? I'm 30 and had sleepovers as a child?