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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse my DD a sleepover

47 replies

frankie80 · 26/09/2014 19:13

DD is 6.5. She has a friend at school and they regularly go to each others houses for playdates. Both me and friend's mum drop off/pick up etc.

DD's friend is a nice wee girl, terrified of my dog but otherwise she's fine. Her mum is nice too.

DD has a playdate at friend's house tomorrow. friend's mum asked (not for the first time) if DD can stay over.

I said no, stating that I felt DD was still too young. I got the impression the mum is a bit offended now.

I've never been in the girl's house, nor has her mum been in mine. I don't know what its like, if its clean etc although DD is the type of girl to tell me if its not!

DD can wake up in the night and want in my bed cause she can be scared of the dark, she also loves her sleep and doesn't like staying up late.

I know DD will be p*ssed off if her friend mentions I said 'no' but I don't think DD is ready.

Also what is worrying me is that the mum has a new boyfriend (whom I haven't met) and DD's friend keeps saying he looks like a druggie. I'm not saying he is one but it made me feel a bit uncomfortable as well as the fact that he is a new, strange man.

AIBU? How do I handle offending the mum and DD being cross with me!

OP posts:

hollie84 · 26/09/2014 21:34

Me too!

ChippingInLatteLover · 26/09/2014 21:48

Sleepovers weren't even a "thing" until fairly recently...not unless you were related or very close friends. A combo of too much American television and listening too much to kids has driven the trend

People often say this - what they mean is THEY never had sleepovers.

I am 45, there was always someone sleeping over!

tippytappywriter · 26/09/2014 21:55

If you have to ask then it is not right. Go with your gut feeling.

tippytappywriter · 26/09/2014 21:58

Oh and if the mum is cross with you then I definitely wouldn't let your daughter stay EVER...that would show her to not be understanding and I wouldn't want my daughter spending the night there.

Fevertree · 26/09/2014 22:00

I'm 27 and had sleepovers!

Keepcalmanddrinkwine · 26/09/2014 22:16

I'm 37 and there were always sleepover as kids. I know now that they were reciprocal babysitting favours and now do the same thing myself.

But you have to comfortable with your child staying in another house. if you're not, don't do it. My kids only stayed at the homes of very close friends until fairly recently (tweens) and even now I insist on meeting the parents first. If I'm not comfortable, I offer to host instead.

TeracottaTurtle · 27/09/2014 01:03

Disagree that sleepovers are only just popular.

I'm 28 and was regularly having friends to sleepover at age 6...so IME, sleepovers are now less of a thing than they used to be.

What's more, when I used to have friends to sleepover (just regular schoolfriends, not close family) , me and friend would sleep in my parents bed with my mum, and my dad would sleep in my bed! Can you imagine the mn threads if that happened now?!?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/09/2014 08:49

My DD is 6 and a bit and would love a sleepover. I think she's too young too and I wouldn't let her go to the house of someone I didn't know fairly well.

JustAShopGirl · 27/09/2014 08:54

We told our girls from an early age that when they were 10 they could have sleepovers (before the school residential). They were old enough, confident enough and sensible enough by that age to actually enjoy them without keeping whole households up all night. Has worked well for us.

JsOtherHalf · 27/09/2014 08:58

7.5 year old ds has only just started going to other people's houses for sleepovers. There are children in his class who haven't yet wanted to do so.

AlpacaLypse · 27/09/2014 08:59

I didn't allow sleepovers at friends of my own until age 7, and sleepovers at households that I wasn't friends with myself until secondary school - and even then I insisted on speaking to a parent on the phone first.

chucklingbunny · 27/09/2014 09:00

I will not be letting my DDs sleepover with anyone who are not friends of the family, they are 4 at present so still too young anyway but it's just my feeling that I'd need to know the parents really well before letting them care for my DCs overnight.
I was NEVER allowed to go on any sleepovers AT ALL even into my teens and resented it like hell because I got such a lot of stick for it from my peers. But I understand my parents' reasons for it now, when the time is right and with the right people - you are the parent it's your decision OP.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/09/2014 09:05

I'm 46 and had sleepovers, it's not a recent trend , old gimmer here!

Trust your instinct OP, if mate is offended, so what.

Bouttimeforwine · 27/09/2014 09:20

My dd arranged her own sleepover with her nursery best friend age 3. The kids asked when me and her mum were together, we knew each other from previous play dates, and dd had a whale of a time.

Now ds was a different matter. He wasn't confident enough until he was about 9.

I think it depends on the child and also if you know and trust the parents.

In your case op, you've never seen the home or how they interact with the kids. I'd say no in your case.

When they do start to have them, have a secret word or phrase that they can say to you when they ring to say goodnight (I'd ask that they be allowed to ring to say goodnight) so you know if they really want to be taken home, whilst saving face. Then you can invent an excuse to fetch them.

smokeandglitter · 27/09/2014 12:33

Does she understand the concept of 'druggie'? Has she heard it slung. About as an insult on TV or from older children?

I had sleepovers with my best friend from the age of 2yo but we want round each other's houses all the time and mums knew each other well. Don't think 6 yo is too young, but the 'druggie' comment would concern me - not because I would necessarily believe it one jot but because it shows a lack of awareness of what is appropriate to talk about around a young child and so I would be a bit uncertain whether films etc would be watched that I'm not happy with or issues would be discussed that I wouldn't really want them to hear.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/09/2014 12:44

I don't blame you O.P I wouldn't let my d.d stay at a friends house at 6 years old.

formerbabe · 27/09/2014 12:50

I'd be happy for my DC to have a sleepover if I knew the parents well. In the ops situation, no way!

Sleepovers are a right pain though.

WalkJumpClimb34 · 27/09/2014 13:34

Please don't worry about the other woman being offended. If she wants to be offended that's her lookout. What is important are your and your dd's feelings and safety.

Original poster

frankie80 · 28/09/2014 07:50

I meant to add that when I dropped DD off for the playdate, the mum said she would drop DD back off at mine at 10pm.

I said that was too late and insisted that I would pick DD up myself at 8pm.

The mum repeated that her eldest DD had a friend staying over anyway but I was firm.

AIBU to think 10pm is waay too late? When we picked DD up, we sent her straight up to bed and within 10 mins she was asleep!

OP posts:

treadheavily · 28/09/2014 08:04

Yes it is way too late. 8pm is late in my view. They sound ridiculous

Sassyb0703 · 28/09/2014 10:15

sleepover not new here either and I'm 55. mine have all been avid sleepover fans. eldest girls started about 3 or 4 boys a little later. Now they are mostly late teens / twenties I miss weekends full of children all piled in together like puppies in a basket

Misslgl88 · 29/09/2014 14:06

DD is 6 in December and had a 2 sleepovers this year with the same girl in her class who she's good friends with she has also stayed at the girls house twice but they do rainbows together and me and the girls mum are friendly, not best friends but I have been to the house. It's a small village we live in so she is only down the road and vice versa should anything be wrong.

The view I took was that when I was growing up I was never allowed sleepovers every time I asked it was no (private parents) I was allowed to stay at others as a teen but not allowed anyone over and I hated it so I wasn't going to stop DD experiencing it

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