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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want another baby?

41 replies

Weelass83 · 26/09/2014 11:21

I have a wonderful 4 and a half year old son. We moved house recently (within the same town so son stayed at same nursery, minimal disruption and all that) so he now has a really big room for all his toys and to play in. I would love to have another baby, but I'm aware that toddler and son may have to share a room at some point until we get the loft converted into another room.......which of course we probably won't need to do if we decided NOT to have another baby. Also very aware of the age difference that will be between my son and new baby, so they will not necessarily be 'friends' growing up. Have I missed the boat? A lot of my friends have had children 18 months - 2 years apart and I am only now seeing the benefits of this. My son is everything to me and I also worry that having another child might make him jealous and upset. A lot of my friends are just saying 'go for it' but I'm really not sure. Hubby is very much on the fence too, he said he'd be delighted with a new baby, but equally just as happy with just our family of 3. I guess I'll just feel really guilty taking time away from my son, if that makes sense? And am I selfish to want another child, even if it won't really benefit anyone apart from me!?

I'm very aware after typing all this out that I do sound a bit pathetic and irrational but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
cherrybombxo · 26/09/2014 11:30

I was six when my brother was born and, while I wasn't jealous, he annoyed every fibre of my being. He was an annoying baby, then an annoying toddler and then an annoying child. My parents sided with him for EVERYTHING because he was so much younger, I had to share all of my stuff but had no interest in his "babyish" stuff and he would follow me everywhere, copying me and stealing my things. I didn't like him and we fought like cat and dog for years. I only started liking him when he was about 15. He's 18 now and he's my best friend, but we didn't have a great childhood together.

Just my view on it, from the older child perspective.

formerbabe · 26/09/2014 11:31

Not selfish at all! 2 children in the norm isn't it? My two shared a room for a while and were perfectly happy...that is a bit of a non issue in my opinion. If I was you I would have one asap...mainly because as the age gap increases they won't be companions for each other.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 26/09/2014 11:34

There was seven years between my sister and I and while we bugged the life out of each other as kids we are good friends now.

My parents did a really good job of not allowing my sister to into my room (and vice versa), not asking me to let her tag along with me and my friends,and I was never asked to babysit. We didnt share a bedroom but that was because we didnt need to.

Im pg with dc2 and dd will be three amd they will share for a few years til we sell up.

ArsenicFaceCream · 26/09/2014 11:39

want another child, even if it won't really benefit anyone apart from me!?

A sibling can be a huge 'benefit'.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with young children sharing a room.

Go for it Smile

moxon · 26/09/2014 11:42

On the plus side, you don't need to manage both a toddler and baby. Ds occupied with school things and you can give attention to baby without too much stress around your feet! Dh and his sister five years apart. Led different lives as kids but never really fought, relied on each other for advice (from older one) and parental manipulation (via younger one) and as adults are still close and easy-going. It all depends on personality and how you raise them in terms of respecting each other. Go for it IMO.

ArsenicFaceCream · 26/09/2014 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArsenicFaceCream · 26/09/2014 11:57

Oops wrong thread Blush

wannabestressfree · 26/09/2014 12:06

We are
Me and db- 18 months apart and close but hard work for my mum
My sister is 10 years younger (much wanted by us both and adored)
Youngest brother- 16 year age gap. We all had varying emotions. He is 21 now and my sons - all three years apart- mad and fun uncle.

Sometimes we can overthink things. The family I talk about above were crammed in a 3 bed terrace. We are all close and still love each other. Go for it :)

formerbabe · 26/09/2014 12:13

I also think a sibling is of greater benefit than having your own bedroom.

divingoffthebalcony · 26/09/2014 12:17

I can't think of anything worse than having two babies in two years. My DD was exhausting, and I couldn't even contemplate a second hold until she was 3.

There also happens to be over a decade between me and my only sibling. People agonise WAY too much over age gaps. If you want another child, have another child Smile

divingoffthebalcony · 26/09/2014 12:18

*a second child

Original poster
Weelass83 · 26/09/2014 12:24

Thanks everyone Smile

My two brothers were 3 years apart, as were my hubby and his brother and they did nothing but fight. My brothers are 9 and 12 years older than me so didn't cross paths much when we were growing up, very close now. So I guess there are pros and cons on each side. Definitely overthinking things!! Was anyone ever concerned that they wouldn't love their 2nd child as much as their first? Again......overthinking!!!!!!!!!! Ugh I'm so pathetic!!Confused

OP posts:
PeachOwl · 26/09/2014 12:31

My 2 dc are 4 and a half years apart (one dd and one ds) and shared for a year with no problems. They at 3 and 8 are best friends and into loads of the same stuff and I find the age gap means there isn't pressure for them to like the same stuff/ be friends whereas friends with smaller gap struggle with family treating them the same and the younger seeing themselves as equal in age where my dc2 knows dc1 is lots older so can stay up late, read in bed etc.
There are pros and cons to every age gap. The different gaps in my family all work so I would say go for it!

impatienceisavirtue · 26/09/2014 13:16

There are about six years between my eldest and my youngest, and two between my eldest and middle.

Ds1 ADORES ds3 who is 4. Ds3 intermittently irritates the shit out of him but he still dotes on him, and now ds3 is at school he looks out for him and lets him play with him and his friends. Ds1 would love us to have another baby!

Ds2 and ds1 as I said are only a couple of years apart and omg they NEVER stop squabbling.

TapDancingPimp · 26/09/2014 13:22

Watching this thread with interest.

I too will (potentially) have a big age gap, though not through choice, currently TTC'ing no. 2 for a year now and am on waiting list for treatment, but that's another story.

The age gap thing terrifies me, although I know it shouldn't as I know every family is different. DD (age 5) pines for a sibling, it breaks my heart Sad

TapDancingPimp · 26/09/2014 13:22

YANBU by the way Smile

KittenOverlord · 26/09/2014 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberLav · 26/09/2014 13:32

My sisters are 6 and 9 years older than me, and the three of us are very close.

Biggest sister went off to Uni when I was 8, so didn't really get too much of a chance to really know her till I grew up (she was sort of a glamourous character growing up, which I think she'd laugh her socks off at if I told her!)

Middle sister and I locked heads more (I loved nicking her stuff!), and she now embarrases me with tales of changing my nappy! Big middle sister is a bit head girl by nature, and insisted on ensuring I did not grow up spoiled!

I know children 2 years apart who are chalk and cheese... You get what you get... My two are 3 and 1, and I think DC1 would probably have been happier if DC2 had come a bit later, as he's naturally a bit sensitive, but he's a lot more together now he's 3...

bonkersLFDT20 · 26/09/2014 13:35

10 year gap between my DSs in a 2 bed house; DS2 is in the main bedroom still. All fine and dandy. Do what's right for you.

TapDancingPimp · 26/09/2014 13:44

That's so nice to hear Smile

I would say def go for it, OP.

Cranfieldmc · 26/09/2014 14:25

The best thing my parents ever gave me or did for me - my little brother (4 years younger). We sometimes fought but mostly we were great mates,mi loved that he was younger and could boss him about, he liked that I was older and could give him lifts places. now we are older we are still close even though we have very different lives. I have twin girls aged 7 and ds aged just 2. I wondered before having ds whether it was selfish to have another baby And that it would take attention away from the girls. I thought they have each other anyway so they don't really need another sibling and that the baby was all about me. They have adored him from day 1, they let him join in most of their games and play with him all the time. He is growing up learning how to share and be sociable with other children and they are both learning how to be kind and patient with smaller child as well as how to set a good example for him. He worships them and I have a feeling they will all stay close. If you can physically and financially manage it and you actually want a baby I think it would be a lovely gift for your son. Best of luck x.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 26/09/2014 14:40

I worried that I wouldn't love future DC as much as my first but you just do. The love isn't spread thinly you just have more of it to give.

Original poster
Weelass83 · 26/09/2014 14:45

Thank you so much to everyone posting, definitely given me food for thought and not feeling as selfish now. I'm pretty sure hubby will back me up with this when I speak to him tonight about trying again, and will want to start trying ASAP and as often as possible.

Thanks again for taking the time to post everyone Smile xx

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 26/09/2014 14:47

Yes,I worried about the love and time thing. But so so glad there's 3.5 years between mine, you get to have one on one with the baby at home like you did your first, your eldest is finding friends and starting school, and is out of nappies!

Mine are 7 and 3 now, and share a room (boy and girl) they wouldn't be without each other, and ds loved the baby stage when she first came along, no jealousy here.

If you want another, go for it, that feeling won't go away, and you may not fall quickly.

Good luck!

x2boys · 26/09/2014 14:54

There's three and half years between my boys and although ds2 has/ASD and learning difficulties they absoloutley adore each other they have a lovely relationship and ds2 follows/ds1/around the house in fact if ds1/ finishes his tea before ds2/ I have to make him stay sat at the table because if he gets up so does his brother even if he is in the middle of eating!!