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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is bullying

71 replies

HollyBerryLaneNW3 · 25/09/2014 22:14

DS has just started YR 7. He may have an ASD and his new school are aware of my concerns. Whether he has Aspergers, an ASD or not, he's very socially immature and struggles to make friends.
He's been telling everyone in his class that he thinks a girl in his class is pretty. Apparently a group of girls then persuaded him to ask her out by telling him that she fancied him. He did ask her out on the back of it and she said no.
Today another girl mimicked to him that she loves him. He went over to ask if she really meant it and she said she was only joking.
Am I wrong to think this is bullying?
I mentioned it to the head of form tonight who said the girls didn't mean any harm.

OP posts:

CromerSutra · 26/09/2014 08:59

I agree with Pictish and others. Yes there is a point to be made about your son not sharing his feelings with everyone BUT the other children are more than capable of knowing what they were doing and I hate to see this called "just one of those things".

'Teasing' is something everyone gets a giggle out of, including the person being teased.
Deliberately humiliating someone who is easy to manipulate for your own entertainment is bullying.

If my daughter was involved in anything like this, I'd be furious with her.This makes me really sad. Dd is the same age as your DS. She has a friend with ASD. Other children used to make fun of him and wind him up but her junior school dealt with the situation patiently and brilliantly. Now they are both at high school he has lots of people looking out for him.

CromerSutra · 26/09/2014 09:01

Sorry Pictish! I was going to quote you and then my phone did some odd merging of things! Copyright to you!

Thomyorke · 26/09/2014 09:13

It is hard at this age as it is all who fancies who, my own DD received a bouquet flowers, chocolates and a huge home made card she was so embarrassed that I had to collect her from school as she was physically sick (what where the parents thinking). The boy is lovely a little bit shy but he crushed my daughters confidence and tbh they both got the brunt of the jokes. The girls need to be told to stop but also encourage your DS not to be so open (I know easy said than done).

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2014 10:58

I don't think it is bullying, no.

HermioneWeasley · 26/09/2014 11:07

What is this subtle distinction between "teasing " and "bullying" that many poster are making?

There is nothing gentle or good natured about what has happened, and is not based on a mutually loving and respectful relationship (the only basis on which "teasing" might be ok)

The girls' behaviour was intended to hurt, confuse and humiliate him - how is that not bullying.

There might be an issue with his behaviour making girls feel uncomfortable (we don't know, certainly it doesn't seem that the teacher raised this as part of the situation). It is never an acceptable response to gang up on him in this way.

CarmineRose1978 · 26/09/2014 11:56

I'm wondering how much the girl he thought pretty actually had to do with it... To be honest, it sounds as much like humiliating her as him (being asked out in front of everyone by someone you don't fancy, especially if he is perceived as "different" or "other", could easily make her the butt of jokes too). I wonder if they are teasing/bullying her as their main object and he got dragged into it too, as collateral damage. In my experience, little girls are more horrible to each other than they are to their male peers.

gobbynorthernbird · 26/09/2014 12:43

Carmine, I could believe that. Especially if there is a bit of tween girl jealousy involved.

Maisyblue · 26/09/2014 12:50

I shouldn't imagine any girl taking offence about hearing how pretty she is. Good grief when you think what names some kids get called.

HighwayDragon · 26/09/2014 12:52

This happened to me, a lad in my class was telling people he 'liked' me I was then teased about him being me my 'boyfriend' eventually I publicly humiliated him by loudly and in front of everyone that I didn't like him at all and to f-off. It's more than possible these girls were trying to get your ds to stop talking about this girl

giddly · 26/09/2014 12:57

I shouldn't imagine any girl taking offence about hearing how pretty she is. Good grief when you think what names some kids get called.

No we all just simper and are grateful...

My DD would be mortified at someone commenting repeatedly and publicly on her appearance, even positively. This sort of thing is extremely embarrassing at this age and probably means she's getting teased.

PleaseLetMeCuddleTheGuineaPig · 26/09/2014 12:57

Maisy it might be annoying if he keeps going around saying it and she doesn't like him in that way.

RufusTheReindeer · 26/09/2014 13:00

Something similar is happening to my daughter

Now year 8 but there is a little boy who loves her and has done for a while, she is handling it well and he is adorable but he tells everyone that she has kissed him and they are going out and this upsets her

Other children including her "friends" take the Micky out of them both and encourage him to ask her out and say that she likes him

I did tell one of the friends off when I found out,

I think in the example of your son that it is obnoxious behaviour on the part of the girls and although hard for him he needs to be encouraged to avoid the girl in question and ignore any "she likes you" type comments

pictish · 26/09/2014 13:02

Reading this thread it is easy to see why so many kids have a horrible time of it in school. Parents of the perpetrators obviously think their children's cruel behaviour is all jolly good, because it's just a bit of 'teasing' and kids will be kids or some other minimising, excuse pedalling shit like that.

Making some vulnerable kid ask his crush out on date, telling him she fancies him, knowing full well she doesn't and he's going to be knocked back, just so you can laugh at him, is not gentle teasing, it's deliberately cruel.

Anyone who says any different needs their standards of what's acceptable sorted out.

PleaseLetMeCuddleTheGuineaPig · 26/09/2014 13:02

Also when I was at school I was badly bullied. One of the things the boys did was to pretend they fancied me and would lead me along by telling me and other people how fit and sexy i was...they didn't mean it though they were taking the piss out of me

PleaseLetMeCuddleTheGuineaPig · 26/09/2014 13:05

Pictish nobody has said that what these girls are doing is acceptable. It isn't.

mutternutter · 26/09/2014 13:06

Please contact hoy. Had to go in last week for my year 7. Nip it into the bud whilst early

RufusTheReindeer · 26/09/2014 13:08

pictish

And unless a complaint is made how would the parents of the "perpetrators" know that their children are doing this

Maisyblue · 26/09/2014 13:08

I suppose everyone's different, my dd often tells me when a boy says she's pretty and while not actually saying she likes it I can tell she does. I can accept though that it would all depend on the intensity of the boy saying it. They do sound a nasty bunch of girls though....not quite bullying yet but it could easily escalate to it if left unchecked.

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2014 13:14

It's teasing and it needs to stop

Your DS also needs to be mindful that this girl who will be only 11 or 12 years old, could well be mortified that he's told everyone he thinks she's pretty.

That also needs to stop.

PercyHorse · 26/09/2014 13:18

It's low level cruelty at the moment. To me, bullying is an ongoing string of incidents which unfortunately this could well be the beginning of.

Talk to the head of year and emphasise that your DS's SN make him especially vulnerable to this kind of behaviour. That might make them take it more seriously. I can see why they dismissed your concerns though - this kind of stuff happens every day in every class of every school in the country. It is nasty and unkind but so widespread that I don't know how you could ever stamp it out completely. It sounds exactly like the kind of stuff that happened when I was at school. It sounds like the girl he liked was also a target of their unpleasantness. All children want to blend in at that age and she was set up too.

You can try to help your DS not be a target for these girls. He can't go around telling everyone that he finds a girl attractive and he needs to know that people (like these girls) will lie to him. I know it won't be easy for him.

ProudAsPunch92 · 26/09/2014 15:05

Bullying is ongoing. This is 2 incidents. It needs nipping in the bud, but it is not bullying. I was bullied at school and had a horrible time and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but if that's all that had happened (i.e someone telling me they fancied me then saying theu were joking) then I would have had a hell of a better time!

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