to think that this child should not be allowed to get away with bad behaviour?

[heythatsyou]

I have changed my username for this post. I am a regular poster but this post may well make me identifiable to other parents from the school my children attend.

So, DD is in year 4 at school. In her year there is a boy who has been extremely badly behaved since they all started in reception. He is aggressive to other children, very rude and obnoxious, disruptive in lessons, manipulative, the list could go on and on. I have no idea whether he has any special needs or not, but I do know that he does not have a one-to-one teaching assistant at school. I also know that he is an only child and is very indulged by his parents. I have seen him behaving extremely badly when with his parents and they just laughed at him. They seem to think that he is exceptionally cute and that he can get away with whatever he wants.

I should add too that the parents regularly donate large sums of money to the PTA. This is mentioned in newsletters, so I know that it does happen. They also paid for a new shed for sports equipment at the end of the summer term.

Basically, the boy gets away with all kinds of horrible behaviour at school, with no sanctions or consequences for his behaviour, whereas I feel that sometimes the school is fairly harsh on punishments for other children. He doesn't seem to like girls very much and DD says he spends many a playtime chasing girls round the playground, and doing things like punching them or biting them when he gets hold of them. DD has been hit in the eye by him before, and when I went to speak to the class teacher about it, the teacher was extremely blase about it and just said to tell DD to keep away from him! I know too that at school when he is rude or aggressive if any of them tell the teacher they are all just told to ignore him. He can say or do whatever he likes! I have been speaking to various other parents recently, including one parents whose child was more or less assaulted by this boy last week, and they all say that they've had the same reaction from the school. One parent asked if the boy's parents could be contacted and was told that that is not how they do things at this school, and that they don't involve parents. Another parents went to the headteacher about this boy and was told that they cannot change a child overnight and it takes time! Well they have had 4 years so far to do this and his behaviour has got worse as he is allowed to do as he pleases!

I really feel that it is unfair that this child gets away with so much, and many other parents feel the same. Other children have had punishments at school for doing far less than this boy has done. He is constantly smirking and basically knows that he can get away with anything he wants.

AIBU to be annoyed about this?

It sounds as if the school is doing a very poor job of dealing with this boy's behaviour. If my child was injured by him/attacked by him, I would tell the school that I was informing the police - that might spur them into action.

And no - YANBU!

I would write to the head and encourage other parents to do the same. I'm a teacher and it's hard sonetimes to get funding for support. Letters from parents carry WAY more weight than teachers complaining about the behaviour of a child and will go a long way to helping the school get the support it needs.

Failing that, move your child. If it's not that bad to consider moving your child then it's not that bad.

You need to write to the Chair of governors if you don't think the head will do much.

Yanbu.

But unfair to say this has anything to do with him being an only child

YANBU, the parents can't 'buy' special treatment from teachers, he sounds awful,
I too would go to the head, maybe get a few parents together and say you are sick of his behaviour and if his parents arnt involved and solutions found then you will go the the police,
The teachers must be well aware of what's happening but could be intimidated by the parents and their donations!

Write to head, copy in chair of governors. After each incident. I would keep a written record of each incident involving my child, time, date, who was there, if DD told teacher, what the outcome was, photograph the injuries.

In a year's time he'll be in Y5 and turn 10. If the school wont deal with it then the police will.

The boy is not the point. The school is the issue.
I would write in and have meetings following up with written confirmation of what was discussed after every/any incident.
The school have a duty of care to your child and if she is hurt they should explain exactly what they are doing to prevent a reoccurrence.
Would there be any point in contacting the governors if there really are multiple incidents and children are vulnerable at playtimes.

But don't fixate on the child. He is being badly let down too.

pippin why the hell should OP remove her child??!!
Surely the child causing havoc should be removed! I'm speechless and you are sounding just like the teachers in the OP who say 'oh just ignore him'

Or what red said ...

Thank you all for the replies.

I am reluctant to move DD as she likes the school and has loads of friends, and actually she has only been hurt the once by this boy. I just loathe the unfairness and the attitude of the staff, and of course there is always the worry that DD might get hurt again by him at some point.

Failing that, move your child. If it's not that bad to consider moving your child then it's not that bad.

That's not true. Just because the OP isn't at the breaking point doesn't mean it's not a problem. You don't need to wait until a problem is in crisis mode before doing something about it.

Yes, I'd document it and write a letter that way it's in writing and you can say you did inform the HT that the child was a problem if you need to inform the police. The school can be held liable for a child's injury, especially if they know a child is already a problem. They are in charge and as such, they are expected to keep the children safe.

This is a terrible precedent to set for a child to let him know he can get away with anything because mommy and daddy are rich. What happens when he's older and starts sexually harassing the girls (since he's been getting away with harassing peers thus far)? Are they going to be to to shut up and put up? It needs to be nipped in the bud now.

I agree with Pagwatch.

The boy having no 1:1 is a red herring. Many children need that do not get.
The boy having no diagnosis is a red herring.

Your child getting hurt is the only issue that matters here. Don't ask if the boy has SN, etc. You want to know what the school is going to do to protect your child. Full stop.

yes, put it in writing. And speak to the other parents whose children have been affected and urge them to do the same.
This boy's behaviour cannot be allowed to continue, because it sounds as if it is likely that one day he is going to cause serious injury.
The biting is especially disturbing. The child needs help and the other pupils need to be able to go to school without being placed in danger from a child who clearly has some sort of need that is not being met.

He sounds awful but it is highly unlikely you know anything even close to the full story. There could be all sorts of issues and they could be dealing with it but they can't tell you. Schools are under loads of pressure to keep children in school no matter how bad their behaviour and it does take time to gather the evidence needed to remove them. Agree 4 years is too long but if he is showing signs of improvement (which you won't know about) then the school is doing a great job.

It's highly unlikely that the child's parents aren't being contacted on a regular basis - but, I can see why they wouldn't want to let a complaining parent think they had influenced any action taken against or for the benefit of this child.

You can only deal with the way it is affecting your child, so if she is being hurt or having lessons disrupted then complain about that and have them explain what is being done to prevent it. When it's happening to other children, you're unlikely to have the full story and it's none of your business.

You need to forget you know about the cash. It should be irrelevant to the way the school deals with him and it needs to be irrelevant in your discussions with the school.

Put it in writing, to the head and to the governors. My ds1 could be like this boy one day. He's wilful and uncontrollable at home for a large portion of the day. We do our best and are under a paed. But the school refuse to see what we do - even when I witnessed my son appearing to throttle another child - boys do that and so on!

The school is massively failing the boy and his peers by refusing to acknowledge or deal with his behaviour. Each and every parent needs to write in with their experiences. The school's hand will be forced into doing something.

"yes, put it in writing. And speak to the other parents whose children have been affected and urge them to do the same."

This sounds dangerously close to 'petition by letter' to me, and I just want to state clearly that I wouldn't agree with that. It's bullying by another name.

I'm only saying it so strongly because that post follows my post.

What is wrong with asking those whose children have also been affected by this child to put it in writing? It is then their choice.
The point if info in writing is that it allows the school to gain a better picture of what is happening and allows them to make better informed decisions. There is a possibility that in this school this particular child has been allowed to behave in this fashion and that nothing has been done.
There is also the possibility that for four years the school has been working with him but that the biting and hitting still continues.
Perhaps the letters might help him to get the help he needs, because hitting another child in the face and that child getting fobbed off by the teacher is so far from satisfactory it is unreal. You could even regard it as bullying, implying that if the boy hits her again then it is her fault.

putting it in writing is a very good idea, because the school have a statutory obligation to deal with all complaints in an effective way, to investigate the basis for the complaint and to follow it up in a way that is child focused and fair to all children.

This is one of the many things that ofsted inspect them on.

If you (and other parents) put complaints in writing, you can pretty much guarantee the school will do something. They will have to prove to ofsted that they have taken the appropriate steps to keep children safe and to get this little boy the help he needs.

yanbu to be upset if that your child's school experience is negatively affected.

A lot of the rest is right petty and none of your business.

btw, the fact that you know so much about this little boy's behaviour in school, and about about what other parents think, implies that you have been gossiping about him quite a bit. That's really unfair on him.

His parents may be awful, or they may be great - who knows? You can't really tell from the little you have seen. Either way, I bet they're having a hard time dealing with their son.

No headteacher in her senses will turn down donations unless she really has to. You can't blame the school for accepting money. I find it hard to believe that a whole team of trained, professional teachers have decided to let a boy in their care grow up as a violent, entitled little bully just because of a few donations. The money is almost certainly irrelevant.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that there's probably a lot more going on here than you or the other parents know - and the teachers will never tell you any of this because of confidentiality.

As I said before, putting something in writing ensures that a complaints procedure will be followed - other professionals may be contacted, and ofsted are better placed than you to evaluate how well your complaint was dealt with.

Jeez, talking to other parents about a disruptive child whose behaviour is not being addressed is not gossiping or bullying.

The parents doing the gossiping have no idea if the behaviour is being addresses Hermione.

The problem with these circumstances is that everyone has to have their say and the stories get repeated and embellished, so one "event" a fortnight becomes everyday.

Before I worked in schools I used to think it was terrible the way "special" children were pandered to and allowed to spoil it for everyone else. Now I know what some of those children and their parents have to deal with, I think it's a miracle they function at all. You see a disruptive child and understandably only care about how it affects you/your child. The teachers know what he and his family are up against.

And this is why I have made donations to the school anonymous.
One woman found out I had made a contribution to the staff room and concluded that that was why dS2 was Joseph in the nativity.
Of course it was.