to think that this child should not be allowed to get away with bad behaviour?

[heythatsyou]

I have changed my username for this post. I am a regular poster but this post may well make me identifiable to other parents from the school my children attend.

So, DD is in year 4 at school. In her year there is a boy who has been extremely badly behaved since they all started in reception. He is aggressive to other children, very rude and obnoxious, disruptive in lessons, manipulative, the list could go on and on. I have no idea whether he has any special needs or not, but I do know that he does not have a one-to-one teaching assistant at school. I also know that he is an only child and is very indulged by his parents. I have seen him behaving extremely badly when with his parents and they just laughed at him. They seem to think that he is exceptionally cute and that he can get away with whatever he wants.

I should add too that the parents regularly donate large sums of money to the PTA. This is mentioned in newsletters, so I know that it does happen. They also paid for a new shed for sports equipment at the end of the summer term.

Basically, the boy gets away with all kinds of horrible behaviour at school, with no sanctions or consequences for his behaviour, whereas I feel that sometimes the school is fairly harsh on punishments for other children. He doesn't seem to like girls very much and DD says he spends many a playtime chasing girls round the playground, and doing things like punching them or biting them when he gets hold of them. DD has been hit in the eye by him before, and when I went to speak to the class teacher about it, the teacher was extremely blase about it and just said to tell DD to keep away from him! I know too that at school when he is rude or aggressive if any of them tell the teacher they are all just told to ignore him. He can say or do whatever he likes! I have been speaking to various other parents recently, including one parents whose child was more or less assaulted by this boy last week, and they all say that they've had the same reaction from the school. One parent asked if the boy's parents could be contacted and was told that that is not how they do things at this school, and that they don't involve parents. Another parents went to the headteacher about this boy and was told that they cannot change a child overnight and it takes time! Well they have had 4 years so far to do this and his behaviour has got worse as he is allowed to do as he pleases!

I really feel that it is unfair that this child gets away with so much, and many other parents feel the same. Other children have had punishments at school for doing far less than this boy has done. He is constantly smirking and basically knows that he can get away with anything he wants.

AIBU to be annoyed about this?

Of course it's gossiping to discuss a disruptive child who's not being dealt with. It's none of your business unless your child is hurt. If your child is hurt, you need to raise it with the school. You shouldn't need someone rounding up all the indignant parents to formalise their complaints.

Tbh I think its human nature to talk about incidents that feel upsetting. I think the intent is understandable.
But I think it is naive to think that this doesn't often develop into gossiping and something less helpful.

We want to voice our outrage that our child has been hurt and it makes us feel worried and vulnerable. But let's not pretend that sometimes it becomes faintly enjoyable to a few who look for and want further incidents to confirm their sense of grievance.

People should just make sure they are being honest about their motivation.

When DS was in year 6, a boy in his year had a mum who was a teacher in year 5, same school. Said boy had head part in the school play every year,.... Just saying
He suffered when they went to senior school as he didn't have mummy to fight his battles

Thats a spectacularly crap school by the sound of it - if not one member of staff was prepared or able to say 'hang on..'
And the boy wasn't helped was he? He just got fucked over by an idiot parent and teacher and school. Yet the boy - a ten year old - is the one being sneered at for having 'mummy fighting his battles'

It's not a terribly smart strategy really. I wouldn't want to swop and have a child who gets 'favoured'.

They sound like really poor parents and provably would have continued to be so even if they had more than one child.

What pagwatch said. All the children are being let down, and the parents. If I was his mum I would want to know and would be beside myself if the school did not involve me. 'not involve parents'

I agreepag I asked for DS not to be in said teachers class when he was in year 5. I can't think of anything worse than having a teacher and offspring in the same school, in fact I'm surprised it's allowed tbh,

The teachers know what he and his family are up against. For all we know the parents might be making donations to the school out of gratitude, rather than as a bribe.

I can't think of anything worse than having a teacher and offspring in the same school, in fact I'm surprised it's allowed tbh, ??? My youngest son went to the school I taught at because it was our nearest school. Should he have been made to go elsewhere because he had the misfortune to be a teacher's child? I did make sure that I didn't teach his year group.

Yes, Larry, I wondered that.

Maybe the school are doing the best they can to deal with his behaviour. sounds like they could use some extra help though, as telling other children to just suck it up is not the best message for anyone, surely?

Still think a written complaint is possibly the best way of ensuring the school are checked on dealing with this appropriately.

You need to separate two things: making sure the school protects your child and the others from the effects of the boy’s behaviour, which is your business; and worrying whether the boy is being punished for his misbehaviour, which is not your business.

about gossip at the school gates: my friend did this so differently recently. Her son had an issue with a little girl saying really inappropriate things to him (ideas that shouldn't even be in her head at 5 years old). She felt bad about telling me, and said that she didn't want to gossip, but she wanted me to confirm that she was doing the right thing by telling the teachers. I know she will have talked to the teachers, as she was so concerned about the little girl, and also worried about the effect on her son. I am also worried about effect on my son and hers (they all play together) but have carefully not asked her how the conversation went because I don't want to gossip either.

I realise this is different to the op's situation with a child who has been physically violent for years, but i was so impressed with my friend, because she was so clearly concerned about the Othery little girl as well as her own son.

If they have no idea of the behaviour is being addressed after four years, either it isn't being dealt with or isn't being dealt with very well. And if he's being violent to the other children and the school is turning a blind eye, that's not bullying by another name, that's just flat out bullying. What are the injured children being taught? That it is ok for bullies to hit them? This is the kind of situation where some well meaning parent tells their kid to hit him back, and then all hell will break loose.

Document everything, and submit. Over and over every single time it happens. You're not trying t force the kid out of school, you're trying to force the school to do its job by all the kids, including the disruptive one.

Honeezreturm

Sorry, I don't agree at all.
In your example the problem wasn't the teacher and child in the same school, it was the teacher/parent being a dick and your school being crap about it.

My DDs best friend is the daughter of one of their teachers . It wasn't a problem for anyone at all because the teacher/mother is professional .

One parent asked if the boy's parents could be contacted and was told that that is not how they do things at this school, and that they don't involve parents.

The parent may have heard “we don’t involve parents” but s/he was asking the school to arrange a confrontation between the parents over their children’s behaviour. So of course the school refused, it would have been unprofessional to involve parents in that way. It doesn't mean that the school have not involved the boy's parents themselves.

And the school can’t legitimately tell other parents anything at all about their dealings with the boy or his parents, but they should be able to tell you what they are doing to protect your child. The most effective thing that other parents – and you! – can do is to log all incidents involving your child and complain formally in writing that your children are not being adequately protected.

YANBU my DC had two boys like this in the class and they ruined it for the rest of the class. Parents were super soft on them in both cases and school were a lot of the time useless. . Hope you can sort it but it doesn't help that many schools are too soft and have a no blame policy where people don't have to be responsible for behaviour and blame the victim. Kids really disruptive should be taught elsewhere.

YANBU at all and I could have written your op myself a few years ago.
In the end I opted to take my dd out as the boys behaviour got worse and staff did little to solve the problems.
On the last morning I went into reception and the boys mum was in front of me handing over quite a few notes for the 'school fund'.
I was genuinely shocked by it and as I walked back to the car it suddenly dawned on me why this boy was so golden.

As it turned out moving my dd was the best solution for her and she really came out of herself in the new school.

Our Y1 teacher has her daughter in nursery at my school and not only is the mum the Year 1 teacher, she is also on the SLT. At my children's school, the Head's daughter is in Year 1. No problems in either case because they are both professionals.

IMO having the children of teachers in school is only a problem if the teacher makes it one.

How do you know that he gets away with it? How do you know there are no sanctions? A lot of stories about school practices can be hearsay at the playground gate and taking the word of a 4 year old as gospel.
Children like this can be very difficult for a school to manage. I'm not excusing the school and I think the 'donations' are a red herring.

YANBU to be concerned, but I suspect that the school may be dealing with it in ways that you are unaware of.

My question is; what do you want the school to do about it?
Then put that in a letter. Don't just complain, present solutions.

Sorry, just re read OP and realised that DD is in year 4, not a 4 year old.

The problems have been going on for four years and the boy is still hitting and biting in year four.
When the OP spoke to the teacher after he hit her DD in the face the teacher said DD should stay away from him.
Regardless of what the school is or is not doing it is not working and a complaint about his behaviour is justified. It is never a solution to tell a victim to stay away from her attacker as that is shifting the blame.

I've had experience of this too, stemming from nursery right up until the end of year 6, ds and other boy just started separate ( thank God ) secondaries.

This child attacked pretty much everyone in the class at some point, trashed the classroom on several occasions and even spat in the head teachers face.

What was done? Nothing.

The child was not invited to parties/sleepovers because of his awful behaviour and when we were choosing schools last year I avoided one good school because this was the boys first choice.

There is clearly more going on behind the scenes but I'd had enough of my ds being upset on many occasions over this child, needless to say that after age 10, the school involved the police on several occasions to maybe frighten him.

His parents were lovely and at their wits end but neither refused to acknowledge there were major behavioural issues.

Nothing seemed to work, he had no fear of the law/consequences and said he had "anger issues".

He was suspended on the second day of secondary... for punching a girl in the face:(

It remains to be seen how long he lasts at his new school.

Good luck op.