Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Annoyed at partners ex asking for his help

40 replies

doglover17 · 25/09/2014 09:48

A quick bit of background. Partner separated for over four years, in the process of divorce (been a very long and complicated process). We have been together for over two years and cohabit. Ex wife lives near by. One older teenager, shared residency, 50/50.

Ex wife has sent horrible texts and emails, saying dreadful spiteful things, which we let go over our heads. As a result we try to keep a business like arrangement as best we can and are of course careful never to do the ex down to the teenager. We are in a very strong and happy relationship.

Every now and again ex wants (non child related) favours from my partner. The latest, which comes on the back of some hideous texts, is that she wants him to go round and do some DIY for her. For the first time this has really got on my goat, so to speak. She has split from her partner who was very handy in the DIY department, so hence the text asking for assistance I guess.

My partner doesn't know what to do for the best as we have had problems where refusals to help out has meant that the ex wife has bad mouthed him to the teenager, which has caused problems. He doesn't want this, which I completely understand. However, I am not happy about it as I do not want to spend the rest of our life together with him running to her to do such tasks because she has this hold on him, not when it makes not only me unhappy but him also. Likewise I do not want to cause problems either.

This is making me unhappy today, I think he should make a quiet stand, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

MrsWinnibago · 25/09/2014 09:52

I am tempted to say that she should bugger off. BUt if she has nobody else and cannot afford help then he should do it. I think that since his child resides in her home, it's no skin off his nose to help practically in the upkeep of the house.

Saying that...when I lived alone, I bought a drill and had an entire tool kit and learned to do that shit myself.

loudarts · 25/09/2014 09:56

Yanbu, favours for thing relating to their child is fair enough, anything else she should be sorting herself

deakymom · 25/09/2014 10:00

be busy or ill something you cant help and if she moans to the teen hold up your hands and say its unavoidable teen will see she is being unreasonable

SaucyJack · 25/09/2014 10:00

YANBU. She needs to find somebody else to rely on (or do it herself)- they aren't married any more.

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2014 10:13

I don't think she does have hold over him

Surely the teenager is old enough not to take any notice of his Mum?

Just explain to the teen that she needs to sort her own DIY out.

mkmjimmy · 25/09/2014 10:14

It's tricky this. My husband's ex is great - never been any problems - amicable split. In the first couple of years after they split he would go round and help with DIY and stuff, still helps her out financially a lot over and above maintenance (as do his parents) - she's dreadful with money. And it get on my wick a bit - even though she's fine as a person. But - she's the mother of his kids, they have to live in the house etc etc. But if she wasn't a nice person and was sending abusive texts - I'd have found the helping out really hard to take. Start drawing a line....

formerbabe · 25/09/2014 10:15

I'm not so sure....as his child lives in her house for part of the time, I can see why she may require him to help maintain it.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 25/09/2014 10:15

Saying that...when I lived alone, I bought a drill and had an entire tool kit and learned to do that shit myself.

Me too.

And there's a tutorial on YouTube for everything now.

It shouldn't be that hard for her to learn.

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2014 10:16

YY to the youtube tutorials

And why can't the older teen help out?

Original poster

doglover17 · 25/09/2014 10:18

The DIY needed is aesthetic. Crafting picture frames from some wood she has and hanging them.....

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2014 10:20

Then she can do it herself

I think there's a clue in D.I.Y

Original poster

doglover17 · 25/09/2014 10:21

He's good with his hands. In a previous life he did carpentry and still has all the tools.

OP posts:

hoobypickypicky · 25/09/2014 10:22

DIY assistance to fix the broken shelf for the benefit of his son, fine. DIY assistance to put up a TV bracket in the ex-wife's room, not happening.

Worra here a teenager who's "old enough not to take any notice of his mum" is called a teenager who is also old enough to move out of his mother's house.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/09/2014 10:28

Crafting fucking picture frames?

I'd be fucking busy forever

Standinginline · 25/09/2014 10:29

One thing I've learnt recently is you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. So you just as well go for the "don't " part and at least you don't look like a mug (this definitely doesn't apply to every step / ex). I've spent years trying to keep the peace, allowing partner do favours for his ex, me going out my way etc... And guess what, still got it in the neck. I know you don't want to cause any agro but think week of crap is one step nearer to her seeing that your partner has moved on and no longer at her beck and call. The asking will soon dwindle in my experience.

russiandwarf · 25/09/2014 11:05

I would not be inclined to help anyone who was sending me abusive texts and emails. Especially seeing as the job in question is crafting photo frames! What a cheeky cow! He should say he's busy.

ILovePud · 25/09/2014 11:06

YANBU, it's horrible of her to put their DS in that position, slagging off his dad if he doesn't make picture frames! I think your DH should draw a line under helping unless it is something for his son. You can't let yourselves be held to ransom with the threats of her unreasonable behaviour and their son is old enough to make up his own mind.

Plomino · 25/09/2014 11:10

If it were helping out in an emergency - no electric , water pouring everywhere , fair enough . But making picture frames ? Do what those of us without a remotely DIY minded other half do . Pay a professional .

MrsWinnibago · 25/09/2014 11:10

This just makes me more determined than ever to get my daughter's confident with power tools! I think we;ll start this weekend. DH is building a shelf. My ten year old can surely manage a little go of the drill....we;ll make the buggers self reliant if it kills us!

needaholidaynow · 25/09/2014 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLatteLover · 25/09/2014 11:21

MrsW definitely let her have a go, that was my favorite kind of thing to do at her age. I loved 'pottering' with my Dad and I'm a very competent diy adult now - boobs and all :)

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 25/09/2014 11:39

Yanbu

Dp's ex has been awful over the years, abusive texts, with holding contact, telling dss that I hate him and am only nice to him because I want to be with his dad, ive had to call the police because shes threatened to kill me, I could go on and on.

Yet she still expects dp to do favours for her, in the past week she has requested ordered that he drive 30 miles to pick something up for her that she bought on ebay (not child related) and that when he next picks the children up he needs to cut the hedge in the front garden, we live 170 miles away from her and dsc so there is no way he is adding the time to cut the hedge on to an already long day and I would be incredibly annoyed if he did, imo if she cant try and be a decent human being all the time why should dp put himself out to be nice to her.

I wouldnt have a problem if it was something for the children but it never is, its always favours for her benefit.

I also own my own tool kit and cut our hedge at home so dont umderstand why she cant do it herself

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2014 11:39

Worra here a teenager who's "old enough not to take any notice of his mum" is called a teenager who is also old enough to move out of his mother's house.

Really? So he should take notice of his Mum badmouthing his Dad, or move out of the house?

My teen is 15yrs old, so not old enough to move out. If I started badmouthing his Dad because he wouldn't help me to craft and hang picture frames in my house, of course he wouldn't take any bloody notice.

riverboat1 · 25/09/2014 11:44

My DP is happy to do favours for his ex (eg fixing her computer, as he works in IT) and I have no problem with this.

But she asks nicely and is always friendly and polite. The fact that your DP's ex is sending spiteful, rude texts means she is in no position to be asking for favours unrelated to their son.

iwantgin · 25/09/2014 11:56

hmm.. The EX hasn't done herself any favours by being arsey about things. It would be a perfect world if we could all get on.

But - by your DP helping out - he is not 'giving in ' - but could be seen to be doing the right thing by the teenage DC ?

How about he goes and does it, but teaches the teenager whilst doing it? That way in future the teen can help mum rather than her having to call and involve your household.

I am (fairly) amicable to my Ex. He doesn't do as much as he should/could or pay much maintenance but over the years I have learnt that fighting it just winds me up, and accomplishes very little. So have let it go. I do occasionally ask him for stuff - just names of contacts in xx business, or to get some work done on my car - I pay for it btw.

DH's X on the other hand is more grasping. Again - it's just not worth getting worked up about it. We tend to go along with it.

All the DC (mine and DH's) are teens now - so this is not going on forever.

My answer may have seemed a bit weedy - but sometimes it's worth just rising above it and being the bigger person.

Flip

1 2