Annoyed at partners ex asking for his help

[doglover17]

A quick bit of background. Partner separated for over four years, in the process of divorce (been a very long and complicated process). We have been together for over two years and cohabit. Ex wife lives near by. One older teenager, shared residency, 50/50.

Ex wife has sent horrible texts and emails, saying dreadful spiteful things, which we let go over our heads. As a result we try to keep a business like arrangement as best we can and are of course careful never to do the ex down to the teenager. We are in a very strong and happy relationship.

Every now and again ex wants (non child related) favours from my partner. The latest, which comes on the back of some hideous texts, is that she wants him to go round and do some DIY for her. For the first time this has really got on my goat, so to speak. She has split from her partner who was very handy in the DIY department, so hence the text asking for assistance I guess.

My partner doesn't know what to do for the best as we have had problems where refusals to help out has meant that the ex wife has bad mouthed him to the teenager, which has caused problems. He doesn't want this, which I completely understand. However, I am not happy about it as I do not want to spend the rest of our life together with him running to her to do such tasks because she has this hold on him, not when it makes not only me unhappy but him also. Likewise I do not want to cause problems either.

This is making me unhappy today, I think he should make a quiet stand, am I being unreasonable?

Perhaps he can bring the stuff to your house & him & his son do it together?

Exactly needaholidaynow, this is bordering on pathetic.

Like my ex asking me to go round and do a bit of sewing for him.

Could you turn this into a nice activity for the three of you to do together? You and DP make some frames, teaching the DS the skills, then let the teenage DS 'hone his skills' making his mum's ones

Don't know if that is a real example WorraLiberty or just to illustrate the point but my friend had split up after the ex had an affair and after he'd moved out he once (and only once after she told him to sod off) brought his ironing round to her when he was collecting the children! Some people are unbelievably cheeky!

ILovePud it wasn't a real example

Hence my ex is still alive and well and doing his own sewing

I would have him explain to the ex that although they are always connected with their child, he is no longer her husband.... So won't be popping over to do DIY

So she gets upset and says some untruths.... You can't control her tongue so don't be held to ransom by it.... She sounds like she would still complain anyhow....

You can't please everybody all the time so don't bother trying.....

YANBU. My OH's ex seems to believe the fact they were previously in a relationship and have a child, is a pass for life in terms of her expecting him to sort various matters out for her as if he somehow owes her. He doesn't stand for it - but yes its difficult, as she does badmouth him to his DD. Although, his relationship with DD is fine in the main. The question for your OH is..does he want to allow someone to have a hold over him for life?

When I split with my DDs father many years ago, there was nothing I asked him to do for me - he did what he had to do for our children, and that was fine. No way would I have asked him to do anything beyond that... as helpless as I am at DIY! When single for a few years after we split Id save up money to get someone else to sort it out, however long that took, or ask my brothers. I couldn't conceive of being that needy in terms of a man Im not in a relationship with any more, particularly where he is now with someone else. Good luck with getting your partner to make a stand tho - if he'd wanted to I think he would have already.

Sounds to me that these people who ask their ex for constant favours haven't moved on. Like they think the split is temporary and the ex is still theirs.

I wouldn't ask my ex for anything. And don't even usually refer to him as my ex. He's just another bloke. Nothing to do with me.

If the DIY was to keep the roof over your DSS's head safe and watertight then it might be a reasonable request.

She is his almost ex-wife and has no right to ask him to make picture frames etc. She is trying to exercise power over your relationship. Youer DSS is a teenager with a mind of his own. If she bad mouths you both to him he will make is own choices.

DP should simply say no.

YANBU tell her to bugger off. She's taking the piss.

YANBU. She's a grown woman and if she doesn't have a partner to help she either needs to learn to do it herself or hire a handyman or something.

I'm not so sure....as his child lives in her house for part of the time, I can see why she may require him to help maintain it. Completely disagree, it's her house so no, ex partner shouldn't help her maintain it. He has his own house.

Seeing as his dc lives there, I think it would be 'reasonable' to ask for assistance in an emergency-like situation, if it's likely he could fix it.

Appropriate situations I can think of would be along the lines of the electric going off, heating/hot water problems, emergency leak...things that would affect his dcs quality of life living there.

Making picture frames is not a necessary 'need help now' situation. She is bu and taking the piss.

Be polite, but busy. Constantly, unavoidably busy. 'I'll call you next week if I have a spare minute' busy. Hopefully she'll get the message.

Crafting picture frames isn't DIY really is it?

As you say they are going through a divorce does that mean DP still co owns the house? That would be a valid reason for him to assist with genuine DIY as he would be helping to maintain his own asset. Also the argument that he would be helping maintain his DC home would possibly sway me.

However, the request you describe is more of a favour you would ask a close friend. I guess DP has to decide how he feels about that.

My advice to you is do not get involved.