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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so lost and conflicted and churned up inside?

28 replies

autumninaugust · 24/09/2014 16:59

I'm so sorry but I desperately need to talk to somebody about how I'm feeling just now, I just don't know what to do at all.

Work is stressing me out, I'm rubbish at it and I don't like it. But I'm in my 30s and want DC s, I'm not in a position to have them now but retraining would take at least 3 years. So I feel like I have to choose whether to stay in my current career and have children in the future, or retrain and not have children at all!

I just feel lost and so very unhappy.

OP posts:
Minions · 24/09/2014 17:25

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I'm hoping someone will be along soon who has faced this and can offer better advice than me. Didn't want to leave you without a reply Flowers

Can you say what you do in case someone works in that industry and can help?

Original poster
autumninaugust · 24/09/2014 17:33

Hi thanks I'm a teacher

OP posts:
InternetFOREVER · 24/09/2014 17:37

Will you definitely be in the position to have them within the next 3 years if you stay in your job? Given that children are never guaranteed I would be very reluctant to stay in a job I was unhappy in (that said, I did exactly that and have had 4 miscarriages in the last year... at least it means that the only job I'm fucking up with endless sick leave is one I'm not happy in anyway)
Also, does retraining absolutely preclude children? I had DS whilst training, and just meant I did the last year part-time. Is this an option?
Basically, I would recommend thinking as creatively as possible about the options, then ideally you can have both!

bbcessex · 24/09/2014 17:39

hi there, I'm also sorry that you're feeling so low. I don't have experience of teaching, but it sounds like the stress is making you anxious and perhaps not the best judge of whether you're 'rubbish at it' or not.

Is there a good friend or associate you can speak to?

Original poster
autumninaugust · 24/09/2014 17:42

The next 3 years are a bit now or never because I'm 34 now so 3 years would put me at 37 which is skating close to the edge fertility wise I know

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 24/09/2014 17:42

Do you have a particular job in mind that works require three years of retraining?

Because otherwise with a teaching qualification there's lots you could do without further training: private tutor, education officer for a charity, training roles, nvq assessor, some admin roles...

Minions · 24/09/2014 17:43

I'm not a teacher so probably not the best to advise. But if you're in a position to have kids now then there could be an option to go part time after maternity leave. If financially doable, you can take a year off maternity, go back 2/3 days a week until you're in a position to retrain. Doesn't solve the problem fully but at least you wouldn't be there full time anymore. Very easy to say, I know it might not be that straightforward in real life. I met a mum today who us an English teacher and works two days a week which us why I mention it.

Different circumstances but my mum did a degree in her 40s after being a SAHP for over 10years. Just want to encourage you, knowing what you would like to do us half the battle. It's terrible to feel lost but there's a band of mumsnetters that I'm sure can help.

whataloadofoldshite · 24/09/2014 17:47

I know that feeling.
Are you in a position to have dc if you retrain in evening while still in current role or on maternity?

Original poster
autumninaugust · 24/09/2014 17:50

I'm single so I'm not in a position to have children now anyway sadly - if I was with someone I'd have had them years ago.

Atruth - i'd be useless at all those roles to be honest and have little interest in them to my shame! Having no children and being in a job I HATE I just don't have anywhere to focus my attention!

OP posts:
notagainffffffffs · 24/09/2014 17:52

Hi! I hated my job but retrained during maternity to become a hairdresser, I absolutely love it! I would make a start on the dc and use your maternity so think over your options :) good luck

DoJo · 24/09/2014 17:52

Could you do something else with your teaching qualification? Supply teaching is often a much less politically fraught option, if you still like teaching but don't like the endless assessment, pressure, or knowing that you will be stuck with that awful class for a whole year. Or you could move into training/assessment, childminding, tutoring, nannying, or other child-oriented jobs?

Original poster
autumninaugust · 24/09/2014 17:57

I really don't want anything to do with education or preferably children at all to be honest!

OP posts:
7Days · 24/09/2014 18:06

So get the ball rolling on retraining then. You could have a year to meet someone, a year to get to know them, 9 months pregnant, (ok, this bit's a struggle esp if low income) but tada - By the time baby is 6 months, a year old you could have a family and a new job!

Seriously though, get retraining straight away. 3 years is both a long and a short time, and life doesn't hand you perfect timing anyway. Take opportunities as they arise - right now you are relatively unencumbered and free to retrain. So get that in the bag.

Original poster
autumninaugust · 24/09/2014 18:08

Ah 7 I think you must know it isn't that simple :)

How do I fund retraining alone? Plus the courses don't start every month id have to wait until next September. Then not start ML until I'd worked a year ...

It's not doable. But god I hate things as they are

OP posts:
7Days · 24/09/2014 18:14

it depends what you are retraining for, and what your current expenses are. I do think that should be your immediate focus right now, to edge somehow closer to a better career situation. Feeling stuck is horrible and any momentum is better than none, even if slow, I think

I know it's not that simple and nothing wrong with a good moan either! Clears the head.

Thurlow · 24/09/2014 18:18

When you put things down on paper and try and plan them they always looks rubbish.

And there is no good time to have a baby: something always seems a bit out of whack.

Focus on what you can definitely do now, which is investigate jobs you can move to with your current skills, or what courses you can take to retrain.

You hate things as they are, so don't carry on with everything that you hate. Start to look to change the things you can change. I wouldn't be surprised if feeling so down about your job is affecting your outlook on everything else, because it is hard to be positive about everything when something as big in your life as your job is making you miserable.

If you meet someone and fall pregnant while retraining then you can defer for a year, or go down to part-time, or something else - but something that can be dealt with at the time because it is impossible to plan for all the unknowables in life.

Good luck. I know everything feels overwhelming right now but sometimes things just snap! and fall into place all of a sudden in a rush.

BloodyUserName · 24/09/2014 18:23

^*This^^

Original poster
autumninaugust · 24/09/2014 18:25

Thanks but I think I'm a bit stuck just now :) Sorry bad day!

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 24/09/2014 19:05

Is there something specific you'd like to retrain as?

Sweetpea01 · 24/09/2014 19:32

I work for a Local Authority and we often have teachers move over into roles in Children's Services. Would this be a possibly more desirable move for you?

I'd check our your local council's vacancies, more often than not, teachers actually retain the level of pay too. There are so many behind the scenes roles that don't involve upfront contact with children.

Also, (which obviously shouldn't be your intention but a possible bonus ;) ) you'll probably find it easier to meet someone in an adult work environment. We often work with outside companies and I know many a public sector employee who met their partner at work!

DoJo · 24/09/2014 19:36

Would it help to identify the sort of job you would like and then see what the options are?

WyrdByrd · 25/09/2014 12:27

To be blunt...

Retraining is a possibility for you right now, having a child isn't.

Don't throw away the likelihood of finding a career you are happy in for the next 25 years for the possibility of starting a family in the next three years.

The former you can actively change, the latter you can't so work with what is definite.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 25/09/2014 12:36

When trained as a nurse quite a lot of people popped off the course for a bit to have babies, get married, save some more money, etc and most of them were able to come back and finish their studies.

You are only 34, you might have an other 36 years left at work, can you face that in a job you hate? Also retraining will put you in touch with new people and give you a better chance of running into a new man. Win-win, I say!

mum9876 · 25/09/2014 15:10

There are plenty of things you can retrain for part time. It's a lot easier to start without dc, in that you won't be shattered.

I'm doing the AAT at an evening class (not for everybody, I know) but it's in modules so you can take time off between years.

I was looking a few years ago at being an operating department practitioner - that's only a 2 year course. I don't know if you still do but you used to get a bursary whilst you were training.

Get looking for all the courses available in your area and start something. That will make you feel better, just taking the first steps. Even if the course starts in September, you might find you need some other qualification/experience to start the course which you could be doing now.

CromerSutra · 25/09/2014 15:32

Op, I teach part time and love it but my god, it is exhausting. Not surprised you find it hard if you hate it ifyswim! Could you afford to go part time and job hunt/re train on those other days?

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