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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to continue BF although DH wants me to stop?

53 replies

Pusspuss1 · 24/09/2014 14:36

I am still BF my 13.5 MO. I'm happy to do so and he is very happy to continue too. It's the only thing that will soothe him at night. DH thinks he's getting too old for it now and gets frustrated because DS screams his head off if anyone but me goes to him when he wakes at night. We have DH's work Christmas do coming up that we'd both like to go to for (a) his career and (b) a rare and much needed night out, but because DS needs to be resettled with a BF (nothing else will do, inconsolable sobbing), I'm very nervous leaving him at home with my mum babysitting. I know he'll be bound to wake up and they'll both have a very distressing time. The do is in London so quite a way away. AIBU to consider getting a hotel room for my mum and DS so they can be nearby and I can pop out and sort out DS if necessary? DH says this is stupid, which it probably is. Any thoughts on how we could solve the problem? Do I have to give up BF?

OP posts:

CurlyBlueberry · 24/09/2014 14:41

I say get the hotel room and try it. You may very well find that if he knows you are not there, he will happily settle without a BF for your mum. That's how it worked for my son at that age. If he knew I was in the house then it had to be me! Good luck

PS: if you and your son are happy then personally I think that's what matters. I do not think you should have to give up something you and your son are happy with, on your husband's say-so.

TooManyDicksOnTheDancefloor · 24/09/2014 14:43

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I found breast feeding to be very emotive when I was doing it and the thought of stopping made me feel very guilty. I think you have to weigh up the pros and cons of continuing. Luckily, my daughter didn't feed in the night past 6 months, if she had have I'd have seriously considered stopping. Will he not take a bottle? My daughter wouldn't, but I persevered because I was going to Glastonbury and my parents we're looking after her. I continued to breastfeed when I got back after 4 days away.

Altinkum · 24/09/2014 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myusernameis · 24/09/2014 14:47

I think if you and your son are happy to continue then don't stop, he's still young.

As for the Christmas party, maybe he will get through one night without you there. Could you have him stay at your mums as a trial before you go away? Does he drink cow's milk or could you express? Then your mum could try settling him with that. You never know he might be completely different if he knows you aren't there. Plus it's a few months until christmas, he may sleep through by then.

trashcanjunkie · 24/09/2014 14:48

I think you're confusing the issue here. You can still breastfeed, but perhaps tackle the night waking/resettling without breastfeeding him back to sleep. Failing that, no I don't think the hotel idea is stupid. How you feel is important.

Penguin0fMadagascar · 24/09/2014 14:48

At 13.5 months one night away probably wouldn't mean the end of breastfeeding if you didn't want it to be.

If you want to go to the Christmas party I would explain to your DS what is going to happen, so that on some level he will understand why it isn't you coming in if he wakes in the night, and enjoy the time off! You may find that it is much easier for your mum to settle him if you are not there - when DS2 was about the same age we night-weaned him and DH was able to get him back to sleep without bf (luckily!).

But if being away for the night is not something you would be able to relax and enjoy, I wouldn't go. Ending breastfeeding is an emotional thing, and it should be something you want to do and are ready for, not something anyone else tells you ought to be happening.

gamerchick · 24/09/2014 14:49

I breastfed for 3 1/2 years OP I found that when he was a toddler and I was away at bedtime and somebody else was babysitting he just settled down for them without a nurse. Obviously if they clap eyes on you then they just see a big boob so I wouldn't worry about that honestly, your mum will be fine.

As for stopping it's between you and your child.

MamaDoGood · 24/09/2014 14:53

You can still breastfed him, just start resettling him at night without it.
You'll probably find after he learns he's not getting milk in the night he'll stop waking up at all!

NotYouNaanBread · 24/09/2014 14:54

You can breastfeed to your heart's content, but you need to reassess how your baby is settled to sleep at night. You need to stop nursing him to resettle him during the night, and when he gets the message (which at 13.5 months he is well able to) then start sending your DH in to him when he wakes. It might even be easier to start by sending your DH in to him for night wakes so that he doesn't confused by you not feeding him.

Perhaps switch to just nursing during the day, and phase out the bedtime feed over the coming weeks.

MrsCumbersnatch · 24/09/2014 14:54

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ithoughtofitfirst · 24/09/2014 14:55

That's sad :(

I think you should carry on if you both want to. Cliche but they're not little for long. Your dp should try and be supportive of that.

quietbatperson · 24/09/2014 14:57

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trashcanjunkie · 24/09/2014 14:57

fwiw I fed my three dcs. The 1st was a singleton, and he used me to soothe. I was 'forced' by my mum to stop at three months (I was 18 and very inexperienced) I still had to be with him physically for him to sleep, so stopping didn't solve the issue of self settling. He eventually learned aged 5! When I had my twins, a good few years later, I was much more confident, and I fed them on demand co-sleeping until they were about the same age as your dc. At that point I put them in their own cots and I feed them in the mornings and through the day at mealtimes, but I quit the bed and night feeds as they were titting about and playing an awful lot. I disagree with a pp about stopping feeding now, a) because you and dc both enjoy, and b) it's a proven fact that toddler milk changes in composition and contains much higher levels of antivirals etc specially designed for toddlers. Plus the WHO recommends bf for up to two years and in most of the world (developing nations etc) mothers feed for up to five years and sometimes beyond. I personally fed my twins until they were four, but by the end it was a morning feed only, or if someone had really hurt themselves or were terribly upset, so once a day, and then once every other day. It was so gradual we can't remember the 'last' feed, whereas stopping with ds1 was so traumatic for us both. I got an awful lot of flack from people who knew I still fed my twins, but they are nine now, and perfectly normal healthy independent little fellows, so bollocks to the naysayers!

Delphiniumsblue · 24/09/2014 15:41

I don't think that you need to give up for one night out, but you have weeks to get him used to self settling. Start going out at that bed time and letting DH put him to bed. You should be able to go out occasionally. I'm sure your mother can cope if you are not in the equation.

Chunderella · 24/09/2014 15:49

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Pusspuss1 · 24/09/2014 15:51

Thanks so much for all of your replies everyone! Just to clarify, we wouldn't be staying away overnight - we'd be home by say 1am. It's not that I think I'd have to stop BF due to one night away; it's just that DH thinks it's at the root of the problem of not being able to go out for an evening without precipitating a terrible meltdown! I think you're all absolutely right that I need to work on DS' settling skills. I could also night wean him properly, which might help. He usually gets through from say 9/10pm - 5am without a feed these days, which isn't too bad by my standards. It's the waking during the evening when I'm out that's the trouble. Maybe I'll get DH and MIL (also not exactly a fan of my extended breastfeeding!) to tackle it together... ??

OP posts:

Marmiteandjamislush · 24/09/2014 15:52

YANBU to not want to stop bfing, my boys were both fed until after 2yrs. However, I think you should have a talk with your husband about how you both feel about bfing. It sounds to me as if DH is feeling a little rejected by Ds and so I think you need to reassure him that he is important to both of you.

Tryharder · 24/09/2014 15:55

Agree with those who said that your DS may well be fine. All my DCs were breastfed to sleep by me but settled quite happily for others without milk.

SleepRefugee · 24/09/2014 15:56

YANBU. Do the hotel thing - whatever makes you comfortable. He will probably settle without boob for someone else though.

And of course it's not "selfish" or in any other way detrimental to continue to BF.

Delphiniumsblue · 24/09/2014 15:57

All you need to do is get DH involved so that he can settle him too - and as an extension of that grandparents. You can keep on bfeeding.

Delphiniumsblue · 24/09/2014 15:58

If he knows you are there he will hang on for what he wants, if he knows you are not there you will probably be surprised that he settles for an alternative.

Bulbasaur · 24/09/2014 16:04

Children are very hardy and adaptable. One night of going a few hours without a BF when he has other forms of nutrients won't hurt him. He'll be a little unhappy, but it won't scar him or traumatize him.

You don't have to stop BFing though just because he might be upset for a few hours. Just gently explain to your DS you'll be away, but you'll be back. Then give your parents some alternative soothing methods. He might surprise you and do ok with a warm bottle for the night. Or, he might be too distracted with his grandparents to really notice he needs a BF. :)

formerbabe · 24/09/2014 16:06

I don't think you should stop breast feeding if you don't want to...it's your choice. I do however think that it is ridiculous that it is stopping you from having a night out.

MediumOrchid · 24/09/2014 16:08

There shouldn't be any 'you need to stop feeding to sleep/feeding at night' - there is nothing wrong with doing this if it works for you. It is normal for babies of this age to wake in the night wanting to feed. People will tell you that you must sort it, that if you don't your ds will always need feeding to sleep - it's just not true, babies learn to self settle in their own time, he won't always need you to feed him to sleep, and actually 13 months is still quite little for sleeping all night on his own.

That said, there are things you can do to encourage him to go without milk in the night, if that's what you want to do and if night wakings are causng a problem for you. Have you heard of the Dr Jay Gordon method of night weaning - a gentle way to get babies to sleep through the night without needing feeding? We did this with dd when she was about 15 months and it worked for us, although it did take a bit of time (we didn't do the last stage though - we always gave her a cuddle if she woke, just not milk). Link here drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

BarbarianMum · 24/09/2014 16:14

I think the breast feeding is fine. The fact that you, and only you, can settle him to sleep and therefore have to be with him 24/7 is actually a bit crap for you and very crap for your dh. I would hate to have been the parent of a child I couldn't ever put to bed - that's a big part of the parent/toddler relationship.

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