To want to continue BF although DH wants me to stop?

[Pusspuss1]

I am still BF my 13.5 MO. I'm happy to do so and he is very happy to continue too. It's the only thing that will soothe him at night. DH thinks he's getting too old for it now and gets frustrated because DS screams his head off if anyone but me goes to him when he wakes at night. We have DH's work Christmas do coming up that we'd both like to go to for (a) his career and (b) a rare and much needed night out, but because DS needs to be resettled with a BF (nothing else will do, inconsolable sobbing), I'm very nervous leaving him at home with my mum babysitting. I know he'll be bound to wake up and they'll both have a very distressing time. The do is in London so quite a way away. AIBU to consider getting a hotel room for my mum and DS so they can be nearby and I can pop out and sort out DS if necessary? DH says this is stupid, which it probably is. Any thoughts on how we could solve the problem? Do I have to give up BF?

Try and leave something with your smell on it, I settle my DD at night by leaving a t shirt of something with my smell on it near by, even at 7 she still loves to cuddle my t shirts.

You don't have to stop BF at all

You do however need to work on alternative ways to settle ds. Needing to book a hotel room so that you can nip back and forth from a party because a 13.5mo infant won't settle is a little absurd, imo. And I genuinely don't mean that harshly.

Go have your night out. Enjoy it. Be yourself for the evening, not just ds's mummy/soother. Give your DH a few hours of just you and him - I get the impression he would really appreciate it.

I fed my ds to sleep till he was 16 months. He gave up boob completely at 18 months. 13 months is still young - he will learn to sleep without a feed soon enough but there's no rush

Leave the house at bedtime, leave DH to it.

See what happens.

We used the Jay Gordon method of night-weaning too. FWIW my son went from BFing to sleep (and feeding all night) therefore only wanting me, to now being put to bed by my husband who then comes up later in the evening and cosleeps with him (husband's choice, son also v.happy with it ). Things do change, I wouldn't have believed it!

My DD is something of an independent child and decided that she didn't want to BF past 13 months. That was fine, but it was a naturally-derived choice, not something imposed on her.

I think there are two issues here:
Breastfeeding
Your DS not settling with anyone else

Agree with other posters that you could perhaps work on different strategies for getting your DS to settle. You can and should continue to breastfeed as long as you/DS wants to.

I still bf DD aged 17 months but around about 12 months I made the decision that she needed to learn alternative soothing methods in case I was ill etc.

Is it worth considering going cold turkey on you feeding him at night but continuing during the day?

There are two different issues here.

One is breastfeeding. The other is self settling.

Re the breast feeding issue, if you and DS are happy to keep going then why not? One night off is not going to make a difference and you can just feed him when you get back if you want. Or the next morning. Whenever!

Re self settling, you have more than two months to get to a point where you feel happy DS will be ok if you leave him for a night and he wakes up. If he wakes up and is cross and your mum gives him chocolate buttons and sits on the sofa with him watching ITNG for 4 hours (if she's ok with that of course!) then what does it matter? Have a couple of practise runs if your mum is game, and get DH to do a few nights too.

If DS is safe and with someone he loves then he will be fine for a few hours. Once you follow through with it a few times he will realise that and it will get easier. That doesn't mean you have to wean him and do CC straight away, there are lots of other methods (no cry sleep solutions is fab) and you have loads of time to work on it.

Still feeding a milk mad 17 month old here. He's always refused bottles, and now will ask for "mummy" if I don't go during waking's. However he understands if I'm not there and will settle in my absence. It's not as quick and easy

but he manages. I've had a few nights away since 11 months. I've managed 4 days away, and he was fine (my pump was very busy).
At this point, we are both happy to continue. Sometimes the constraints on my time are a mild nuisance, but the calm, quiet, sleepy cuddles override that.
The occasional evening out is not a reason to stop if the rest of the BFing experience I'd going well, and you're otherwise happy.

I was still breast feeding mine at older ages than yours, but I wasn't as tied to them as you are. I would have hated that. Surely you can both manage one night out!

I think you could stop b f ing at night and continue in the day. You may find that he stops waking at night if no milk (i.e. not formula either) is available.

This worked with dd (who was ff by this stage) at aged 1 year - I gave her water when she woke for a couple of nights and she stopped waking (unless there was something wrong, i.e. the odd occasion). My parents did this with dbro by walking him around til he settled rather than giving milk.

If he is having a solid meal for dinner then a BF for bed he should be able to resettle before 1am without need a BF at that age. Could you not work on giving the BF at bedtime but other settling strategies in the evening? With DH doing some of the resettling. Then a BF overnight if he was to wake?

I have BF 4 children for 11months each. We still managed to go out occasionally in the evening from the time the babies were 4 months old. I would BF the baby and put it to bed then if they next woke it was after midnight by which time I was home again. There was always expressed milk in the freezer just in case.

I agree one Xmas night out doesn't need to mean you stop BF.

I think you should carry on breastfeeding but maybe stop the night feeds as it might teach him to settle with just a cuddle and then DH can help. You could still breastfeed at bed time and in the morning.

13 months is not "extended breastfeeding" - the World Health Organisation recommends breastfeeding until at least two years of age.

There's also nothing wrong with breastfeeding to sleep if that's what works for you. Mothers and babies have done this for thousands of years, because it works (the composition of breastmilk changes throughout each feed, and the last part of the feed has natural sedatives in it!)

Modern wisdom may be that babies don't need feeding to sleep, but babies are not born knowing this.

I think the hotel room is a pretty good idea If you are worried about baby not settling without you. Then again, a noisy hotel room/different environment might be disruptive and make him want you more. Maybe you could go out (somewhere not very away) a few times before Christmas by way of practice and see how your mum gets on with settling him on an evening where the stakes are not so high and its easier for you to come back if necessary.

Do you actually need to teach your child to self settle, or give up any breastfeeding if you're both still enjoying it? I would have hated any pressure to get dd off my breast, mine came off when she chose and I would have felt absolutely gutted if it had been any other way. Does your dh 'have' to be allowed his 'share' of settling at night? I feel it's such a small stage of your relationship with your baby that you'll be never be able to get back that any interference would have prompted a highly emotional rejection of anyone I felt was trying to influence. Sounds very... Something when I read my response. But also makes me happy I was a lone parent and never separated from dd until we were both ready.

The advice upthread is well considered and probably a more useful answer, just the OP drew quite a strong reaction from me.

Such an emotional response that my post is barely intelligible. Any further explanation of what I mean would be just the same though as your OP has taken me down memory lane, imagining the satisfaction and joy I felt when feeding, sometimes especially dreamy night settle feeds. Imagining an unwanted break from that is upsetting.

Does your dh have any issue with you feeding, or has the topic been prompted purely because of the work do?

Not read other replies but wanted to say YADNBU!

Re: going out. If I was out and my Dd know if she'd settle for my mum. If she wouldn't settle my mum would put cbeebies on or use the sling. Not ideal but I got my night out.

I bf dd until she self weaned at 3

And I did have similar issues that she wouldn't self settle without bf. Switching to water only in the nights, and having dh and dh only go into her (so she couldn't smell milk) made ALL the difference for us. He would take one of my t shirts to her, but other than that I stayed away. It was nice for all of us once we'd sorted it. I got better sleep, plus dh got to bond. Dd got benefit of dh going to her, he is waaay better at nights, rather than having to deal with zombimummy grunting at her.

Meant to say, we cracked nights at 18 months

Thank you all so much for your lovely replies and helpful thoughts.

Noodle - DH has been getting a bit impatient about me continuing to feed DS in the last few months, I'd say. He wants to know when I plan to stop. I don't even know the answer myself, but I know both I and DS are very happy continuing at the moment. I don't want to rush him, because it's so obvious that he gets a lot of comfort and reassurance from it. I get annoyed by people IRL hinting that I should stop now because DS is too old for it. I go to LLL meetings regularly, so I know I'm far from an extremist in feeding a mere 13MO!

DH told me tonight he feels jealous of the bond I have with DS through BF. I can understand that, because it is such a special thing, but it's not a reason for me to stop.

I hadn't thought of suggesting my mum lets DS watch tv. I'm a meanie and almost never let him see any, and he stares at it mesmerised when it's on, so that might actually help her in a pinch!

I think I'm concluding that my hotel idea is a rubbish one. DS would surely be much better off at home all cosy in his own bed, instead of traipsing up to London with us in the freezing cold. The sling idea might help too. He fell asleep in ours today when I was wearing it, and my mum has been known to use it.

Truth is, I don't know what would happen if I wasn't there to solve the problem for a few hours. Eventually, DS probably would go back to sleep, but I just hate him getting so upset if I'm not there. He really loses it. It's happened a couple of times in the past when we've tried to go out for an evening. Some practice runs are a good idea too. I thought we might experiment with DH putting DS to bed from time to time, to see if they can figure something out between them.

I think it must be really hard for your DH as you seem to have taken on the role of 'most important parent' - society has such odd ideas about fathers, but you are not helping by assuming that only you can settle your baby etc. What would happen if you were rushed into hospital or worse.

As others have said, breast feed as long as you want to but make sure your child is able to self settle or be put to bed by his own dad.

Go out for a few evenings on your own and let your DH be a dad.

Yanbu. Have some trial nights where DH settles him (maybe you sleep elsewhere), he'll be fine with your mum. So will your supply. Reassure your DH it won't go on forever, but it will for the time being! I stopped about 19 months and this worked for us.

My DH is horrified that I'm "still" feeding my 14 month old. He thinks she is just too old and I say that WHO recommends feeding until two so we agree to disagree.

My LO settles fine when I'm not there though. Go out and leave DH to it even for a limited amount of time and see what happens. I really think at that age that they completely understand that they can only breastfeed from you and they can be cheered up with treat food items or In the night garden if he can't get back asleep.

DD was a rubbish sleeper and I BF her during the day (when not at work) and at night until she was about 14/15 mo. I only then stopped BF at night when she was about 18mo. That was when I felt I was able to tackle the self settling. I think it was easier because DD was older. I didn't make a rod for my own back (despite several people saying this) and she's now 5yo and goes to bed with no trouble, goes back to bed if she does wake in the night (rarely).

It might be worth having a dummy run with your mum, where you and DH maybe go out for the evening but come back say 11pm/midnight to give your mum chance to settle your DS but without you being miles away. I'm sure your mum will be full of ideas to soothe your DS and happy to deal with it (after all it's just one night for her).

Would your DS accept a bottle of expressed milk from your mum? Just a thought that maybe familiar milk might help settle him.