Long commute for one parent versus both parents working close to home

[TrainTrack]

DH met up with a friend last night (lets call him A) and was telling me about some of their conversation.

A works in London, which is about 90 minutes commute from where he lives, so 3 hours of travelling a day. He works in a niche field and jobs are basically all London based. Because of the niche nature of his job and the fact its in London it is pretty well paid. A likes his job, but doesnt love it, and the money is definitely one of the main drivers.

A confided in DH that he is getting sick of the commute, he misses seeing his DC (9 and 5) for more than the beginning and end of the day and is often tired when he gets home so that he doesnt really do more than eat and sleep and doesnt spend much time with his wife (lets call her B). B is a SAHM.

A has suggested to B that he looks at getting a job that is closer to home he has skills that would be transferable to a less niche field. This would mean taking a big salary drop, but obviously improve their family life. To make this happen they would have to substantially cut their outgoings (in practise likely meaning that they would have to pull their children out of private school) or that B would have to get a job (part time probably sufficient). B has outright refused to consider either possibility and I think A (based on what DH says) is now feeling a bit trapped and doesnt really know what to do. He obviously cant (and wouldnt) force his wife to get a job, but is not happy with the current situation. (Possibly relevant) is that B comes from a well off family (e.g. Bs parents bought them their house as a wedding present) and her mum was also a SAHM with a hectic day time social life a lifestyle that B potentially wishes to emulate but without the huge pot of family money behind her!

Who IBU in your opinion? Do they have a solution?

Poor A.

He should have married better.

so they mortgage free?
then they just need to cover bills.

he should move to whichever job suits him better.

or he should ask for flexible working, drop a days work, work from home one day, work 80 per cent etc.

then, she will have to decide if she asks mummy for more money to support her lifestyle or gets a job.

he cannot force her to get a job but equally she cannot force him to continue stressful commute.

I think both should work if needed

However I would also opt for:

1- moving closer. 60 min commute maybe so A saves 1 hr a day.
2 - combined with B working part time.

That way a few months down the line, A could also ask for flexi hours and try and drop one day so only commuting now shorter commute 4 days. What B works part time would account for that.

I think YABU, your DH only heard one side of a discussion that is for A and B to resolve. No point trying to decide who is being UR as you don't have all the facts/background. This is their marriage, their decision. All the comments about B and her mum sound v judgey, and involve you both making massive assumptions about her character and the motivation behind her position.

Tbh B is contributing from her parents good will as they are better off having no mortgage which on the distance you are describing could be in the thousands.

I think resentment can build up on both sides with the scenario you have described, the working parent with the long commute because they get so little family life and the SAHP because they get so little support with family life.

I think asking him to commute 3 hours per day on top of full time work in order to allow her to not work while kids are at school is not on.

Not sure there is an easy way to resolve it though - he is building up resentment because he is knackered by the long hours, and she will resent having her cushy number removed.

Maybe investigate nearer jobs and work out how much the income would reduce.

Her kids are both school age. Its not very nice of her to want to see her husband suffer a poor quality of life and miss out on time to be a good dad while she has 30 hours a week to socialise. OK he can't force her to get a job but he can decide not to pay for private schools. This could have a negative impact on the children depending on what the local schools in their area are like. I would hate to have to be out of the house 12 hours a day. He must barely see the children in the week. 2children in private school is very expensive and there can't be many families who can afford that on one salary.

Would the part time work that B could realistically get really make up for the drop in A's salary if he worked locally?

If so, then the choice seems obvious: A move to local job, B find part time work.

However, I strongly suspect that the kind of money B could earn would not go anywhere near making up for A's "London to local" wage drop.

If I am right, then the question is not really about whether B should work. It's about whether they as a family should downsize their lifestyle (in particular pulling DC out of private school) so A can have more time at home.

I'd be pretty reluctant to do this. Changing schools is a big deal to DC. Having taken the decision to do the commute so as to put the kids in private school, I don't think A can now change his mind. It's not fair on the kids to say "yes we put you in school X but it turns out I hate the commute so now you have to move to school Y". If his health was really suffering that would be different but it's not.

Presumably there are good reasons they sent them to private school ie. the local state schools aren't great? I presume those reasons haven't suddenly disappeared.

Having said that... the DC are only young. If they are going to change schools (and esp to go private->state) it's better to do it now rather than later.

It's not a case of any one party being in the right but them as a couple trying to find a compromise that suits everybody. What kind of hours does he actually do? 90 minutes each way for London isn't actually excessive you know, my daily commute is about 2hr 20min.

Charitybelle aren't all threads here one side of a story anyway? Not sure what your point is.

Anyway, I think the wife is being very unreasonable. How is she a good person by watching her DH go through this and not want to help except sit at home. I feel sorry for him.

Sell the house. Buy a smaller one closer to/in london and or get a mortgage if current one is mortgage free. Wife still gets to be a SAHM and man has a shorter commute.

Wow, I have a job that I LOVE but an hour and a half daily commute that sometimes makes me want to quit. Feeling forced into a 3 hour daily commute for a job I don't even like that much would make me suicidal.

I think Whois has it right with a move closer to work and a down-size in house, then the school run may be a bit longer, but it seems that the wife has time in her day for that.

Do people not discuss these things before getting married/having kids? I think if I met someone who said "yes I love you and I want kids with you but I'm never going to work" the phrase cock-lodger would spring to mind.

bakingaddict - I couldn't face wasting nearly 5 hours of my life 5 days a week - no matter what the job or the wage. For some people it is what they can do, and for others it is not.

Personally with kids of such a young age committing to maintaining that regime for another 15 years to get then through school (and then university ?) would be daunting if I was already finding it hard. I would seriously want to reconsider all options to try and make it more sustainable.

It is a tough decision faced by many families in expensive areas.

Hmm, some mixed opinions. To answer the questions (as best I can, obviously don't know all the ins and outs of the couple's finances).

• A can't cut down his hours or work from home. It's just not really offered in his industry (so moving companies wouldn't help)

• moving closer to the job would mean considerably downsizing due to "nearer to London" price hike plus they would have to pull the DC out of school (their school is the opposite way to London and already a 30 minute drive).

• the DC are in private school because this was important to both of them (at the time). They never even looked at state schools. They do live in a leafy middle class area, so I would imagine the local state schools would be perfectly fine.

• DH works in the same field that A would potentially move into, so we have an idea what his salary would be and they would definitely be able to fund the move with B working part time (the DC's school provides free breakfast/after school club as part of fees so they would only have to fund holiday care)

• It's likely that A's current job, on the basis that he has no mortgage or childcare to fund is allowing him to save (i.e. they wouldn't need to bring in the same income he does now) However A and B have recently had a lot of work done on their house so I don't know how much they have in the way of savings, and I guess living off savings is not viable long term anyway.

• B said she wanted to be a SAHM before they got married, but I don't think A would have fully thought through the finances (and on the basis they got married 15 years ago, wouldn't have necessarily predicted the way the economy has gone anyway).

Yes, would have to downsize but that's what they have to decide. Stay and commute, or move closer and drop as long commute.

Any industry can ask for flexi hours. Dh works in law where everyone says you can't, but you can. It's a legal part of employing people with children now. Dh now does x3 long days in office (5am-9pm), then does few hours in eve other 4 days. So 48 hrs in office, 15 at home approx . I do the same in reverse so we only pay for 1 days childcare. We also live in tiny flat in London to reduce commute

If B working part time (minus childcare costs) would make up for the drop in A's salary - meaning no need to move the DC or change school - then that does seem like the obvious option. Nobody has the right to be a SAHP funded by their spouse if the spouse isn't happy with that arrangement.

I am still surprised that B could earn enough to make up the shortfall though. It's difficult to find part time work at the best of times never mind if you've been out of the job market for years. What sort of job do you think she could get? And presumably that means the cut in A's pay wouldn't be all that big?

art it's the law that employers have to consider flexi working (actually for everyone now, not just parents) but they can refuse if they can give some business reasons - not too hard to find some usually.

Surely being a SAHM is a luxury and not a right? If A is unhappy then they need to look at cutting back on luxuries, this could be one of them?

I think A should make sure B realises that the current setup is unsustainable and that he can't continue working like that for the next 10 years.

Once she accepts that, they can spend the next year investigating lots of options - move house? change jobs? change schools etc to find something that will work. they might decide to move house/school in time for child 1 to get into a great secondary. they might decide to move to the other end of the country (cheaper!). there is no need for an urgent decision, and the most important thing must be to talk through lots of options, and make a joint decision.

Just to play devil's advocate, maybe B did all the childcare alone during the baby/preschool years due to this commute and now feels that she is due a bit of "pay off" now that the childcare side of things is easier?

To put it that way round, she might feel that her dh was happy to be away from home during the nightmare years of babies and toddlers (as seen on a bad day!) doing what at that time was the easier role of working. Now that her role seems easier to him, and Dcs are older and therefore more interesting and easier, he suddenly wants to be at home. Cue him saying off you go out to work B, no rest for the wicked.

That may not be the way it is at all, but put like that you can sort of see her point.

However, realistically the parents have to talk about this together sensibly, and neither of them dig their heels in and say "that is not an option".

Ps I am a wohm so not coming at it from her angle!

I wouldn't commute 3 hours a day to support my spouse not working at all while kids are at school. Not a chance.

Working full time but without a 3 hour commute is hardly "being at home".

Has he factored in the saving on the commute?