Long commute for one parent versus both parents working close to home

[TrainTrack]

DH met up with a friend last night (lets call him A) and was telling me about some of their conversation.

A works in London, which is about 90 minutes commute from where he lives, so 3 hours of travelling a day. He works in a niche field and jobs are basically all London based. Because of the niche nature of his job and the fact its in London it is pretty well paid. A likes his job, but doesnt love it, and the money is definitely one of the main drivers.

A confided in DH that he is getting sick of the commute, he misses seeing his DC (9 and 5) for more than the beginning and end of the day and is often tired when he gets home so that he doesnt really do more than eat and sleep and doesnt spend much time with his wife (lets call her B). B is a SAHM.

A has suggested to B that he looks at getting a job that is closer to home he has skills that would be transferable to a less niche field. This would mean taking a big salary drop, but obviously improve their family life. To make this happen they would have to substantially cut their outgoings (in practise likely meaning that they would have to pull their children out of private school) or that B would have to get a job (part time probably sufficient). B has outright refused to consider either possibility and I think A (based on what DH says) is now feeling a bit trapped and doesnt really know what to do. He obviously cant (and wouldnt) force his wife to get a job, but is not happy with the current situation. (Possibly relevant) is that B comes from a well off family (e.g. Bs parents bought them their house as a wedding present) and her mum was also a SAHM with a hectic day time social life a lifestyle that B potentially wishes to emulate but without the huge pot of family money behind her!

Who IBU in your opinion? Do they have a solution?

There are many jobs which are impossible to do from home, most jobs that can be done from home involve internet and phone connect ions, very little work in NHS can be done from home, I`m a dentist 0% can be done from home,

This depends on A and B earning potential how much can B realistically earn if she has been sahm for 15 years especially after childcare costs

There are practical reasons why A's job can't be realistically done from home.

I don't know what sums they have done, but DH and I once dabbled with the idea of sending our DC to the same private school as A's children, so we have a good idea of what it would cost (obviously A and B's living costs will not be identical to ours) and the sort of salary A would earn is probably not far off being enough to cover everything so it is very likely that it would be affordable for them on A's full time salary + a part time even not very well paid salary. As I said upthread the private school provides free breakfast and after school clubs so that's not a factor.

Interesting point whether B thinks some time "off" if payoff for the baby/toddler years. Actually this couldn't be further from the truth - A has only had his long commute job for about 2.5 years - and he used to work at home, fairly flexibly and was very hands on during the day and would regularly do things like e.g. look after the children in the afternoon so B could go out with friends, take the older DC to school etc, then catch up with work in the evening - he probably gave her more support in the baby/toddler years than most SAHMs get from their partners! His move to the further away job was only 6 months before their youngest went to school nursery for 3 (school) days a week, so actually B had the best of all worlds, lots of support in the early years, plus lots of time for herself over the last 2. I suspect they both miss him having that job - he quit because it was a small company with no chance of progression and he felt he wanted to do and earn more.

On the face of it B is being unfair.

If A previously had a flexible job, could he get another like that?

If B returned to work, would A be able to do pick-ups, cover sick days, holidays and so on, or would B still have to do all that? Often difficult for the lower earner to hold down a job in commuterville when the high earning man and his employer expects DW to continue to cover everything at home.

PT, flexible work can be hard to find, those opportunities often go to people "in-house".

Hmmm, well to be honest, B sounds like a cruel and selfish cow. If the sexes were reversed, MNers would likely be accusing the husband of financial and/or emotional abuse.

I'd suggest that, if B can't be persuaded to make any concessions, A should take unilateral action and find himself a job nearer home. I'm sure they cna subsequently cut their cloth accordingly.

ok so he wanted to do and earn more but the price of that is heavy commute. perfectly fine for him to say I tried that and I don't like it.

but he cannot force her to get work. what [part time ] work could she realistically do anyway? does she have a profession she dropped?

ps the breakfast club is clearly not "free" - it's included in the fees for those who want it!

My DH has a 3 hour daily commute and on a bad day, he will complain to high heaven about it. But 'solutions' such as he can go PT, he can get a local job, she needs to work etc are never that simple in RL.

My own commute is about four hours (albeit not daily) - we'd love to work closer to home but we also like our jobs (most days!), like working in London, are able to minimise childcare (one starting and one finishing early), and like the London salaries.

It's difficult to really know what goes in other people's marriages, never mind their finances - I think branding the wife 'cruel and selfish' is a little absurd.

As I said upthread the private school provides free breakfast and after school clubs so that's not a factor.

No, but childcare in the school holidays is a factor - and it's hard to get childcare for school holidays only, so you probably pay a premium for that.

Realistically B might have to try to get term time only work - which is rare as hens teeth and often very low paid. Once you factor that in it may not be financially worthwhile for B to work...

Another point is that B probably currently does a lot of "life admin" (also known as "wifework"...) while the DCs are at school. For example sort out house maintenance, school kit/kids clothes, food shopping, cooking, deal with bills, organise the family holidays/social life, etc. Would A be willing to take on a 50% share of all of this "wifework" if B was working? Would he have time?

Clearly the DH feels his commute and long working day is not a long term option and needs to make a change.

I would not consider a 90 minute commute - I have done just over an hour (and in bad traffic 90 min+) each way and it is awful, and has a huge impact on your family life and the relationship with your spouse and children (I did it pre children.) For me a commute needs to be less than an hour.

The wife must realise that this current set up isn't working for the whole family, and something needs to give. They need to start talking and make plans, with a time limit, to change things. It may not be able to happen immediately, but say that within 12 months xyz needs to happen.

I used to do a similar commute, it seems quite usual around here. It's quick to get into London but then there's the tube and walk.

They need to sit down and work out what can be achieved realistically.

Even with children in school childcare can be expensive. Would one of them be able to drop off and pick up from out of school clubs in time? I used to find it very tight and restricted what jobs we could both take.

If one of them works part time, then will they have to pay for full days at holiday clubs. How much does this eat into the household income.

Would she be expected the pleasure of doing all the cleaning, cooking, childcare, organising. Then when he gets home, she then goes out to work, or at weekends. Will he be home in time consistently for her to do an evening job.

What happens during the holidays and when the kids are sick. They'll both have to equally cover these.

Would any salary make up for the drop in wages? Or for the change in lifestyle. We both work full time, so both share housework after school, both do the home work nagging, both use much our holiday to cover school holidays.

B being very unfair. Mortgage house? To
Maintain lifestyle. Job done

move to London?

B is being selfish and entitled. She does not have a right to SAH at her DH's expense, and if he wants a better work-life balance, she should be willing to share the burden of earning. (It goes without saying that A should also share the burden of housework, childcare and family admin etc.)

Of course, they could just put the kids into a state school, but if the wife doesn't approve of this option, she needs to contribute.

I don't understand the suggestion that she might now expect a pay-off after the difficult pre-school years. Her DH was working through all that time too, so could he have a couple of years off too if he fancied it?! Then again, I have never understood the argument that SAH is harder than going out to work - surely it depends on the job and on the children!

It's hard to know whether YABU or not. As it's not actually you in the situation, you don't know exactly how they reached the point they are at now.

I would say that A and B need to come to an agreement- one side or the other acting unilaterally is not the way to go about things.

I rarely think that one person is always in the right and the other totally in the wrong. "A" sounds like a saint- are you sure it is as straight forward as this?

What agreements or plans for the future were made between them, for instance? Maybe B feels they made plans/arrangements and isn't happy that her husband now wants to change these plans? Of course it's not unreasonable for A to want to change his job either.

Not quite sure where the AIBU comes in, unless you are wondering if YABU for having an opinion about someone else's situation (which I would say you're not ... fair enough to have an opinion).

However, no matter how sympathetic towards A, I don't see how you or your DH can possibly help. If B will not listen to her DH over this, then she is hardly likely to listen to you (or us, come to that).

Are you and your DH close friends with this couple, or related to them perhaps. It does sound as if you like A more than you like B, so I can understand that you want to be supportive towards him, but I do think you and your DH should probably stay out of it.