to think those who say they don't want fuss..

[Paraibalove]

I have noticed alot of couples who have been together a decent amount of time, (perhaps longer than some might expect before a proposal and wedding take place) often end up in a situation where she (or he) want to get married but the partner drags their feet over it. They end up saying things like 'I don't want a fuss, I just want to be married'- note, I'm not talking about money spent on the rings or wedding, not about being flashy.. just special

and it all gets super down played in the hopes that if its all done simple and quietly it will happen? but it should be special. They should be fussed over! its a big event in anyone's life and I find it so so sad!

I have a friend who has a great relationship, lovely children and a long term partner (father to her children) they've been together over ten years and she's always said she'd love to get wed.. but he's never done the deed. She eventually got really upset by it, ended up having a half hearted proposal and the actual wedding planning is being done quietly, very very low key. I'm not saying some couples don't want this, but it seems that it mostly seems this way when one isn't as committed to actually getting married.

she says things like 'oh I'd get married tomorrow! I don't care when /how' but I know her well enough to know she wants to celebrate this big event. -again, not talking money or flashyness- he didn't even want to go for a few drinks to celebrate the engagment! I've seen this SO often.

aibu to think that actually most who say things like this would actually quite like a bit of fuss and special attention but don't get it because they end up just being grateful that it's happening?

I think your priorities do change especially if you have been together years and have dc etc....

Couldn't think of anything worse personally than some huge fuss....

Everyone is different. Some need the special event, some genuinely just want the officiality of the marriage service and the legal security that brings.
I guess you're probably right that some 'settle' for low key when they'd have rather had a bigger celebration. But most brides and grooms reach a compromise in style of wedding according to what both partners are comfortable with.

Regardless of what else is in your post, the thing that jumps out at me is 'she'd love to get wed but he's never done the deed' WTF?
Last time I looked at the calendar is was 2014, not 1954. She should have said 'darling, will you marry me?' a long time ago if that was what she wanted.

A bit of both. Yanbu, I also feel the same. I wanted a big, fancy fuss and I got it. I wasn't going to settle for anything less and my DH knew that and he wanted the same as well. I agree with you that people end up being so grateful that it's at least happening that they settle for anything sometimes.
It's the same with a birthday, if you could have a day that's a big fuss over you then why wouldn't you want that.

Otoh some people genuinely don't want a big fuss. I don't know anyone like this though.

But if one wants X and the other wants Y then really they have to compromise. Sometimes its the ones who just want a simple thing who end up in a big event, sometimes its the other way around.

Where do all the calculators go- they've discussed it, she brings it up.. asks.. but unless he agrees what can she do? so it was left that he knew she wanted to and he would ask when he's ready. - of course everyone involved needs to be ready and want to.. but I also think that like in this case.. He can be fully committed but still massively drag his feet over actually getting married because it seems a bit daunting I guess?

Please just note that when I say fuss.. I just mean being able to be openly excited about it.. to send them a congratulations card and have a drink.... I'm not talking engagement parties and stupid color coordinated favors

my now husband and I had been together a long time, children first etc etc. we didn't want a huge day or flashy wedding but I loved how excited and happy everyone was for us and on our day. (registry office and posh lunch, so nothing huge btw!)

I think you are projecting - it may be true of your friend if you really know her well, but that doesn't make your observation of one person a universal truth.

We were only together 4 years beforewe married but I cannot think of aanything g more cringe worthy and awkward and utterly not me then a big "fuss" over a wedding - I generally don't enjoy other people's fussy/ big/ traditional weddings (though I have been to smaller informal ones which have been great) and even the small amount of fuss a d tradition we had at our own wedding was done due to emotional blackmail from my mother, who wanted to be a "proper" mother of the bride after my sister and her husband got married abroad without guests (lucky her) and makes me feel awkward looking back as well as at the time. We wanted to "be" married rather than wanting a fuss or a wedding, I had always said I wouldn't get married until I realised the legal disadvantages to not doing so.

I recognise a lot of what you're saying op, and it would feel v sexist, except I know men as well as women in this boat. It's a shame for them, but for one reason or another most of them prioritised buying a house or having kids due to money and now one partner feels like it's silly/ a waste of money/too extravagant to get married or have a wedding. They're committed through other means so 'what's the point'.
However I also agree with thehouse that most couples have to compromise and this is just another aspect of that.
I really didn't want a big wedding but my DH did, so we compromised and had a small ceremony and a big reception afterwards. The key thing is that we wanted to make each other happy.

Ah, that explains it. Personally that would have been a deal breaker for me. I'm deeply suspicious of people who are happy to set up home and have children but won't get married. I think they're waiting for a better offer to come along.

The thought of a huge fancy wedding makes me shudder.

A colleague of mine got wed recently...it cost them £45k (their money of course, I just think it's a ridiculous amount of money to spend!). Everything was planned to the last detail. They had a horse and carriage, 300 guests, half a floristry shop of flowers everywhere in the church and reception, table centres half the height of me. Expensive key chain things as favours, eight bridesmaids, eight groomsmen, canapes and a five course meal. A harpist, fireworks and Chinese lanterns being released. And so on.

I enjoyed parts of it the free bar . But it was just so pretentious. Sitting through a 2.5 hour, five course meal with a 6 and 4 year old (the couple have children so dc were all invited) was hell. As was trying to make any kind of conversation with the person opposite you, past the three foot monstrosity of flowers and crystals that was stuck in the centre of the table.

Not for me.

I got married with no fuss :). We'd been together 18m, and just went to the registry office with my mum and friend.

Various reasons. I hate organising and planning that sort of thing, dealing with people, and the politics...

It was just easier and less stressful.

This is probably true of some people, but if I could get married in secret without hurting anyone's feelings, I'd be a lot more keen on the idea. I'm very happy to celebrate other people's weddings, but I find the thought of having one of my own a bit unpleasant. I can see that in the early stages of a relationship it can be really nice to get all the family and friends together to celebrate, but for us, marriage would be a legal acknowledgement of something that happened ages ago, so picking a day to celebrate would seem odd.

I'm very committed to my marriage but was not particularly interested in the whole 'biggest day of your life' thing.

On the contrary, I think it's very sad that people are so invested in the 'one special day' thing. Marriage isn't about 'getting married' it's about being married, for the long term. You can have the most beautiful wedding in the world and it means nothing if both parties aren't equally committed to the long term.

I didn't want a fuss for my first wedding, we had been together years and had Dc already and it was a hugely complicated time for us for other reasons. I was sure I wouldn't regret it being a tiny very low key wedding and I didnt.

I regretted marrying him though and second time round - to the right man this time lmao - I realised I did want big fuss - not of me, but a big fuss for everyone we cared about to take part in

And if I'm honest it does seem a bit daft after all those years and dc to have a big wedding....even dare I say it a but tacky....

I mean 10 years on and a couple of dc in tow its hardly here comes the blushing bride territory is it....

We had a huge 'do' but we got married pre kids and before we owned a house and such. If we'd waited until now, years down the line, I think that a more low key wedding would've been perfect. I'm more realistic about where in our life it's actually important for us as s family to spend money, I'm more settled and content than I've ever been before and it would genuinely feel like I had additional and different reasons for marriage so making the wedding different.

I really do want to marry him but not have to go through a Wedding to get there. left to me it'd be me, my 2 kids, him, the registrar and 2 random people grabbed off the street as witnesses.

He knows this, but doesn't want to offend his family. He's not a party person either, but feels we "should" for other people's benefit.

we're at an impasse. I don't want to offend anyone either, but equally I feel the day is supposed to be about the bride and groom... so why should we pay out on a day we'd both hate. Frankly, being the starring role in a big production wedding is among my worst nightmares (I have social phobia). So I've been begging and pleading with him not to put me through it

YABU.

I genuinely didn't want any fuss. We'd been together about 8 years, had bought 2 houses together and were committed. However when I was pregnant we decided to get married to simplify things. I wore a white trouser suit, had a tiny registry office wedding with immediate families only and then a meal in a smart restaurant after wards.

We've been married 12 years - very happily.

We don't love each other any more because we are married. It has made very little difference to our every day lives.

We were settled, we're not religious and neither of us craves being the centre of attention. Why on earth would we pay out for a big spash of a day?

I am a very pragmatic person and seeing as I don't 5hit money, any money for a wedding was going to be less money spent elsewhere. I didn't want that.

So I think YABU to think that not wanting a flashy wedding equates to one partner being pushed into it and the other compromising their dream day just for the sake of being married to an unwilling partner.

Some people just prefer to enjoy their actual lives together rather than focus on one day.

I agree with you OP, but the attitude on mumsnet seems to be that if you do anything more than get quietly hitched in a dark hole in the ground then you're shallow, superficial and a total Bridezilla!

Sorry OP, I know you've clairfied that you're referring to the excitement of the day rather than big and flashy but I think the same thing stands. I really wasn't that interested in my wedding day - I saw it as treating my family to a fancy meal with a legal bit tacked on.

Some people just genuinely aren't fussed about any of it.

Agree with whoops. I wanted a teeny no-fuss wedding and that is what we did. The idea of being a pwincess for the day makes me want to run for the bloody hills. We gave our few guests a wonderful couple of days in a great location and paid for everything, and that was quite enough fuss for me.

The most exciting thing for me was being Mrs OF and not the shindig. Each to their own I reckon.

I do know somebody who had a massive "look at us" wedding with hundreds of guests, endless discussion of the plans for well over a year beforehand, so many people "so happy for them" ... and never actually lived together afterwards, divorced 2 years later. They had been so obsessed with planning g their "Big Day" they had both assumed the other was then going to move to their city (both owned property and worked, hundreds of miles apart but their parents still lived in their home town, where they met - they'd never lived together properly). They'd focused so much on the enormous fuss, they'd forgotten to plan their actual lives...

YANBU. I don't understand these blokes who drag their feet including mine

Some people, like me, are very shy. The thought of being centre of attention for a whole day would scare the crap out of me. Other people's weddings are fine, but being a bride is just not for me.

I actually really wanted a bit of fuss on my wedding day (I'd collected wedding magazines in my misspent youth and had a very decided idea of what I wanted) but my husband 'just wanted to be married' and wanted it to be as low key as possible with 'NO FUSS WHATSOEVER'. I'm not very assertive (and I was a SAHM with no income at all of my own so I couldn't have any financial input) so I went along with it - there was no hen night (I have loads of friends but my husband decided that as he didn't have as many then neither of us should have nights out) and I had no flowers, cake or anything bridal at all! One of my friends had to put my hair up for me before we went in and even so, on the way in to the registry office, an old woman came up to me and asked who the bride was in the wedding and when I said that it was me, she looked me up and down in clear disgust and sneered 'Really?! You don't look like a bride!'

I could cry (okay, maybe not cry but I get a vague pang of simmering resentment about the whole thing) when I think about my wedding day as it wasn't what I wanted at all so, yes, I wish that I'd put my foot down and asked for just a LITTLE bit of fuss. I wouldn't have wanted a Marie Antoinette dress, swan shaped carriage and twenty tier cake or anything like that but, y'know, a pretty dress and some flowers and cupcakes and a couple of swoony looking photos would have been nice?

Anyway, nowadays, if any of my friends says 'I don't want a fuss' and I think, based on what I know of them, that actually they DO, then I remind them of my wedding day!