to think those who say they don't want fuss..

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I have noticed alot of couples who have been together a decent amount of time, (perhaps longer than some might expect before a proposal and wedding take place) often end up in a situation where she (or he) want to get married but the partner drags their feet over it. They end up saying things like 'I don't want a fuss, I just want to be married'- note, I'm not talking about money spent on the rings or wedding, not about being flashy.. just special

and it all gets super down played in the hopes that if its all done simple and quietly it will happen? but it should be special. They should be fussed over! its a big event in anyone's life and I find it so so sad!

I have a friend who has a great relationship, lovely children and a long term partner (father to her children) they've been together over ten years and she's always said she'd love to get wed.. but he's never done the deed. She eventually got really upset by it, ended up having a half hearted proposal and the actual wedding planning is being done quietly, very very low key. I'm not saying some couples don't want this, but it seems that it mostly seems this way when one isn't as committed to actually getting married.

she says things like 'oh I'd get married tomorrow! I don't care when /how' but I know her well enough to know she wants to celebrate this big event. -again, not talking money or flashyness- he didn't even want to go for a few drinks to celebrate the engagment! I've seen this SO often.

aibu to think that actually most who say things like this would actually quite like a bit of fuss and special attention but don't get it because they end up just being grateful that it's happening?

Well I sort of agree that some people want it, but plenty do not - and I am one of them.

Back in the summer DP brought up the idea of getting married and mentioned some time in October / November. We haven't spoken about it since

Some people genuinely don't want a fuss though!

I could think of nothing worse than having a big wedding with a big dress, bridesmaids, reception - just so dull and cringe worthy. I go to weddings and smile and say the right things but I find it all so smug and attention seeking. Fortunately DH felt the same so we had a simple and lovely civil ceremony with parents and siblings only, then had a nice dinner and that was that! Took about 3 hours to plan and just what we wanted.

It didn't mean we took the marriage any less seriously or it was any less of a special day or less wanted - it just suited us. We'd been together 6 years by then, no DCs or house though.

YABU iv been with DP 10 years we have 2 DC, im really not fussed about marrage, DP has asked and iv said yes.
I know we will get married at some point but cant stand the thought of all the fuss, I would be more than happy to get up tomorrow and pay £40 at the registry office.

we both hate being centre of attention and hate speaking in public and dont see the point in spending all that money on one day .

DP feels the same but would like his mum dad and brother there.

if other people want fuss thats fine.

also an engagement party is my idea of hell

Things that make me unhappy or stressed include organising stuff with a budget, wearing high heels, having all of my acrimoniously divorced family in the same room, having to get up to look after children after staying up late and making polite small talk.

Weddings tend to involve most of those things.

My ideal wedding would be DD and me in fabulous dresses, DS and DP wearing whatever they wanted, 2 witnesses, some sort of nice meal involving cheese, olives, cake and champagne and nobody else finding out that we'd got married for at least a year afterwards, and no-one feeling slighted that we'd got married secretly without inviting them.

As I would never ask the children to keep that sort of secret, and DPs parents would be very sad if we got married without inviting them or telling them what we were doing, I think my dream is as unrealistic as getting married in Westminster Abbey with huge choirs and a Heston Blumenthal wedding feast.

Yabu. I don't want to get married but of I ever did I'd not want a huge fuss. Caterers, seating, plans dresses, and having to invite the worlf and his wife because it appears most MNers won't attend weddings if the hamster and Venus fly trap can't come? Sid that. . I couldn't be doing with everyone's happiness being dependant on their babies invites and no one seems particularly interested in celebrating with friends or family merely lying in wait like vultures waiting for their thank you cards in blood. So no I wouldn't want a huge fuss. A beach two strangers and a dog holding a flower basket would do me just fine

Firstly i think either member of the couple 'dragging their feet' is a clear sign that a wedding is NOT something that person wants and it's a sign that's best heeded IMO. Cajoling, nagging or shaming someone into making a (supposedly) lifelong promise of commitment to me just doesn't sit right.

As for saying you don't want fuss when really you do - lots of people say things they don't mean for lots of different reasons. I agree that some times it could be a way of trying to pursued the other to 'lets just quickly get married - you'll hardly notice it happening!' sort of thing. How sad that is.

Personally for my first marriage it was 'low key' because i was very young very daft and had no idea what i wanted anyway. Others took over and their priority was budget. Second time around, 2 years ago, i would happily have pranced off with DH and the DCs to a beach somewhere, just the 5 of us, and got married to him minus all the trappings, minus fuss and minus all the rest of the families. BUT he was proud of his day and wanted his side there so that was that. 'Medium grade' fuss

I do kind of see what you mean. We were together for 10 years, and had DD, when we got married. We wanted to be married, not so bothered about the getting married bit (I think that a lot of couples these days focus too much on the 'getting married' bit rather than the 'being married' bit. Interesting that in older books from, say, the 1940s, the phrase is not 'we want to get married' but 'we want to be married'. Subtle difference. I digress.).

But, we did get ourselves some new clothes, and had a posh lunch with our friends who were witnesses, and had a party in our house afterwards. Low key, cheap, but lots of fun and lovely to have friends and family with us, wishing us well.

Being very low key is fine if that's what you both want, but in the situation the OP describes there is a clear disparity between what the man and woman want. I think that both want to be married (but it's hard to tell if that man wants that at all), but the woman would like there to be some kind of celebratory element and the man doesn't. How you resolve that I don't know. I think there's bound to be resentment on both sides if they can't come to some kind of happy agreement. Registry office and then booze up in the pub? Is he very shy? Or is he just dragging his feet about it all?

Treaclesoda you speak wise words!

I agree, it's about being married, not getting married.

Very true.

I suppose it's why people write long and detailed birth plans for their first, but for their subsequent baby they don't care if they're swinging from the ceiling, with an audience.
It's not about the birth, it's about becoming a parent.

Some messages are lost in the bridal industry, and in the new baby industry.

I genuinely didn't want a fuss and just wanted to be married.

We had been together 10 months had no children. So not really the type of person the OP means but even so we definitely wanted no fuss.
So I rang the register office booked us in, bought a new dress and some roses from the market and got him a new tie. We swore a friend each to secrecy and met them at the register office 17 days after the initial phonecall.
Absolutely perfect for us, we both hate being the centre of attention.
We told people, including our parents, a few days later.

I had a pretty low key wedding first time around. Drinks and nibbles beside the lake on a Sunday afternoon. If I were to do it again, I'd be happy to go away on holidays somewhere, have a quiet ceremony and a nice dinner somewhere. Alternatively, I'd have a real laugh and go to the tackiest chapel I could find on the Las Vegas strip with some Elvis impersonator. Some people genuinely have no interest in fuss.

I think some people are just of the personality type where they genuinely don't like being the centre of attention or large social situations. Although that may not be the case for your friend.

I totally see where you're coming from but some people really just don't want a fuss. I always wanted a proper wedding, maybe not something resembling a circus but definitely a big white dress and a proper day with all of my friends and family. DP, however, has a very small family, his mum is in very poor health and can't travel far and he suffers with terrible anxiety. He can't think of anything worse than a day all about him with everyone he knows staring at him. I was devastated and cried when this all came out (two years down the line), I felt awful for days and couldn't see how I'd get past it. We've spoken at length about it and, though we don't plan to get married anytime soon, we've come to a compromise where I still get a beautiful day that fits my vision but doesn't make DP miserable by forcing him into the spotlight. Maybe it wasn't how I'd always planned it but I'm honestly happy with our decision. I don't feel like he's being selfish and I don't think he doesn't want to get married, the thought of it all just brings him out in a cold sweat.

I've realised that I sound very dramatic with all of my devastation and crying about not getting a wedding - I should point out that DP had stated categorically that if I insisted on having a "proper" wedding, we would never, ever get married. I felt like it was an ultimatum but as I mentioned, we've since come up with a brilliant plan that we're both happy with for when the time comes

I'm deeply suspicious of people who are happy to set up home and have children but won't get married. I think they're waiting for a better offer to come along.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo - you'd be deeply suspicious of me and my dp then. We don't like weddings, we don't like being the centre of attention, we do feel secure in our relationship. We have said that one day we may go and get married in the most low key way possible (I assume signing a form in the presence of witnesses) but I know that the nonexistence of a grand spectacle would upset my mum, who has had enough upset in her life.

I'm not waiting for someone 'better' to come along and I know he isn't either. Of course you don't have to believe that but hand on heart it's the truth.

What I have never understood are the women who are desperately waiting for their partners to propose. Firstly, if you've been with someone that long I think it's odd you've not discussed it and secondly, why don't they propose themselves? Women can even vote now.

The one's who have discussed and you know he/she isn't interested in marriage but you're desperate - well IMO it won't happen. They ARE waiting for better. If you're with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and getting married is really important to them then I think you would do it, even if you don't have the big wedding they dream of you'd compromise and have a small one. I know me and my dp would do if the other really wanted to.

I'm deeply suspicious of people who are happy to set up home and have children but won't get married. I think they're waiting for a better offer to come along.

DP and I have been together nearly 28 years. If I were simply waiting for a better offer, I'd have long since gone.

I didn't want a fuss. My husband wanted a BIG fuss. So we compromised on me having to have a much bigger fuss than I wanted, and he got a much smaller fuss than he wanted. It was the right thing to do - we had a beautiful day because we agreed on all the details, even if the SIZE of the day wasn't what either of us expected going in.

Of course YABU, some people might say they don't want fuss when they wouldn't mind some fuss, but presumably the vast majority say they don't want fuss for the rather obvious reason that they don't want fuss!

Not everyone wants to be a princess for the day

YABU and you are also projecting.

You think a wedding should be a big special day with quite a lot of fuss. Nowt wrong with wanting that; you're right, getting married is a big deal.

However other people won't want a fuss. The thought of a "big" "special" "attention-filled" day fills me with utter dread.

Their wedding should be what they, as a couple, agree on as a compromise that suits them both.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo - oh, there's always one, isn't there...

14 years, a house, a DC, shared finances and two powers of attorney later, yep, I'm just waiting for a better offer

Not that there might be one, as he is on a final-salary pension scheme after all, and that's pretty damn hard to better

Wheredo....you'd be incredibly suspicious of me also....

Just because we have all the legal gubbins sorted that goes with a marriage but not the actual piece of Mr and Mrs paper....doesn't mean we are waiting for the bigger better deal

Surely the traditional "big fuss" is to mark the end of maidenhood and the passing on of responsibility for the bride from father to husband. As in most cases today the wedding is no such thing, I'm not sure there does need to be a big fuss at all, especially if those involved don't want one.

FWIW I had a fairly big wedding. I absolutely wouldn't bother if I were doing it now. There always seems to be a negative correlation between the amount of fuss/perfectness of the wedding and the time the marriage lasts IME.

I had a very small wedding. Neither I nor DH enjoy being the centre of attention or have people fussing over us. The idea of crowds of people staring at me makes me shudder. I had only the people I wanted there rather than invite anyone because I thought I should. It had nothing to do with not wanting to get married, as we did want to or wouldn't have bothered.

Yabu. There's no must or should, it's a matter of personal preference. I hated the idea of being fussed over. We preferred to put the money towards our mortgage so that one day we were going to be financially secure and be able to start a family. I never regretted that decision. Each one to their own.