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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to share DCs at XMAS with ex

39 replies

Pantone363 · 23/09/2014 13:55

I know IABU (probably)

I have DC 80% of the time, all the mundane everyday stuff is my responsibility. He has them 2 nights a week no full days. He's already been on holiday for 8 weeks in total this year. I don't think it's fair that everyday life gets shared 80/20 but when birthdays or Xmas rolls around he wants 50/50.

It's usually shared Xmas eve -10am Xmas morning/10am Xmas morning - Boxing Day.

It's his turn for Xmas eve this year. Xmas eve is our favourite Xmas time (much more than Xmas day) and I really really don't want to had them over.

AIBU aren't i?

OP posts:
TheBatteriesHaveRunOut · 23/09/2014 14:06

How old are the dcs and what do they want?

MyFairyKing · 23/09/2014 14:10

YANBU to feel this way. How old are the children? If they're young enough to not be aware of days, then they get a second Christmas with you. If they're not old enough, you might find they voice their opinions and vote with their feet.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 23/09/2014 14:12

9, 7, 4. I haven't asked them as I didn't want them mentioning to ex that I had asked them what they wanted to do.

OP posts:
BruthasTortoise · 23/09/2014 14:12

Yes you are being unreasonable (but understandably so!). It really is awful but we try and think of it as building memories - when your DC are older hopefully they'll have positive happy memories of both their Mum and Dad. If it's any help what we do is collect the boys at 6pm on Christmas night on the years they're away, bring them home and just start Christmas Eve again and have our Christmas Day on Boxing Day.

DidoTheDodo · 23/09/2014 14:13

YABU (in the nicest possible way). Doubtless your ex feels the same too. But the kids get two Christmasses and will be fine.

waithorse · 23/09/2014 14:14

Very understandable, but it is only fair.

googoodolly · 23/09/2014 14:18

YABU.

I bet your ex wants to see them more and doesn't think it's fair that he only gets them 20% of the time. You get to live with them, after all.

francisdrakehasleprosy · 23/09/2014 14:19

It's awful. But them's the breaks. Why don't you do a NY eve thing with them to replace the Xmas eve when you don't have them? Special NY eve presents (something 'for the new year'), popcorn and hot chocolate, staying up for fireworks. It might just become a firm favourite of theirs, and they can pass down the tradition to their children!

PS Can I come too? :)

ilovechristmas1 · 23/09/2014 14:23

YABU

19lottie82 · 23/09/2014 14:28

the 10am switchover doesn't seem very fair. my DH does the swop with his EXW about 5 pm. That way they both have the kids for either a Christmas lunch or dinner.

Metalgoddess · 23/09/2014 14:32

Yanbu I feel for you. Just doesn't seem fair.

VainVulva · 23/09/2014 14:33

Yanbu

trevortrevorslattery · 23/09/2014 14:38

It depends what the DCs want

LadyLuck10 · 23/09/2014 14:38

Yanbu, it does seem unfair doesn't it but what can you do. As long as the kids are ok and happy I guess that's some consolation.

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 23/09/2014 14:41

Understandable why you feel like this, but they are his children too, so it's only fair.

HouseBaelish · 23/09/2014 14:43

I'm newly separated so get how you feel but it is fair for special occasions that access is equal.

HeySoulSister · 23/09/2014 14:50

It's family time.. X his side of the family are the dc family too, so it's not just the ex. Assuming he has some family that is!!

ilovechristmas1 · 23/09/2014 14:51

good point soul

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2014 14:52

Would you actually prefer it if you had your kids 50% of the time?

cherrybombxo · 23/09/2014 14:53

I second the suggestion above about a special new years eve celebration. I don't know where in the UK you are but Hogmanay in Scotland is always a big thing, we tend to do a big dinner, watch old movies and stay up for the bells with a Bailey's hot chocolate. I love it!

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 23/09/2014 14:54

Is there anyway he can come over for Christmas lunch so you can be together as they're so young

feetlikeahobbit · 23/09/2014 14:56

It's perfectly understandable to not like it but that's life, I tend to work when DD is with her dad over Christmas, it makes it more bearable.

Then we have a second 'fake ' Christmas with all the same traditions a day or two later, works for us and DD loves 2 Christmases :)

ilovechristmas1 · 23/09/2014 14:58

the children are not that young

the ex has as much right to alternative Christmas's

it's important to both sides that the children see respective relatives etc

its only a day out of a year.but very important to children

mamas12 · 23/09/2014 18:24

I agree with you actually
Why on earth should it be 'fair' only at Xmas?
Change it I say, decide what woul be fair for the Dcs of course, work out what you consider would be the fair thing as regards them and tell him
He should bloody well realise that 80/20 is a reap what you sow situation
Life isn't fair but why should it not be fair only for you?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 23/09/2014 18:40

My ex has tried this and he has him even less that yours i.e roughly once every three months (his choice). I have told him to sling his hook every time. Christmas is a special time and if you put in all the hard work throughout the year then you get the final decision as to what happens.