I don't want to share DCs at XMAS with ex

[Pantone363]

I know IABU (probably)

I have DC 80% of the time, all the mundane everyday stuff is my responsibility. He has them 2 nights a week no full days. He's already been on holiday for 8 weeks in total this year. I don't think it's fair that everyday life gets shared 80/20 but when birthdays or Xmas rolls around he wants 50/50.

It's usually shared Xmas eve -10am Xmas morning/10am Xmas morning - Boxing Day.

It's his turn for Xmas eve this year. Xmas eve is our favourite Xmas time (much more than Xmas day) and I really really don't want to had them over.

AIBU aren't i?

He is their parent too and has as much right to share special occasions as you do. Neither parent is more important.

Most NRP would love more time other than the few days every few weeks usually handed out by the courts. If the starting point was always 50/50 by the court it would be much fairer and parenting would be more equal rather than one believing they are worth more.

devils advocate

What if the ex did not end the relationship and had no choice on who is the resident parent,should he just except Christmas is with the mother,does he have no say in it

maybe he wants the children more than 20%

what about his side of the family,maybe they live far and Christmas is the only time they would get to see them

do mothers automatically trump the fathers

if he is bloody useless and only has the kids when it suits his plans,dosent have contact with them very much and are used as trophies then maybe Christmas plans would be differrent

What's fair for the parents isn't necessarily best for the kids.

Given that he has them 2 nights a week I think you might be being a teeny bit UR.

My ex doesn't have dd at all overnight and he can kiss my ass if he wants her on Xmas day

But I'm an UR cow....

It must be hard for you, I have 3 step children ( almost grown up now ) and we have never had them on Christmas Day, we felt they would be happier spending it with their mum and other family members ( there mum has children from a previous relationship ), we have always phoned them on Christmas Day and then they come over for the day on Boxing Day.

I think because you have an agreement the you should stick to it, at least you get to spend one of the 2 days with them and they get 2 Christmases.

Christmas is special, that's why it should be shared.

Is sharing in a different way a possibility? My ex and I have done all combinations over the years, including spending some of the time together. Is there any chance of you sharing the best bits, (which for me would be Christmas Eve and morning) instead of the current all or nothing thing you usually do?

Could you start another Christmas tradition? We love the 6th Jan at mum's cos this is when we all take down the decorations together. In (approx) 2002 mum realised that the 6th was the traditional gift day in the Christmas story (cos that's the day the kings brought gifts) so since then we each get a small bonus gift. It means even more since most of my siblings (and I) have all moved out so don't spend Christmas Eve at home.

"Life isn't fair but why should it not be fair only for you?"

If the op wants fair then she could push for 50/50.

I'll never understand why people make out as if the parent who does the most caring for the children is being hard done by.

Surely most of us want to be the one that gets to live with our children in the event of a split, even if it does mean we get to do the boring bits of parenting while it seems like the NRP has all the fun?

My dc are 'shared' probably about 80/20, with me being the 80, but it's my ex that's missing out, not me. If anyone should be complaining about unfair, it's the ex.

Agreed. I do 95% and wouldn't change it for the world. I'd be overjoyed if my ex fucked off completely.

Which I why I get Christmas. I do the majority of the work, I get the nice bits.

Yes, you ABU.

As woowooowl says, if you have 80% of the DCs time then you are lucky, I understand how hard it can be for NRP to be limited in the amount of time they can spend with kids.

Being able to do the mundane stuff, to be able to talk to them everyday about what is happening, be up to date with their lives, be able to look after them when they are poorly and need cuddles is a privilege.

And the bottom line is, what is important to the kids? Do they want to see both parents at Christmas? As someone else has suggested, is there any mileage in doing something together?

I won't let my ex have our daughter on Christmas day. I do the majority of the childcare and he never helps out with nursery pick ups or drop offs so why should he have her on the most special day of the year?

I am so glad I don't really celebrate Christmas - I will do a tree and stuff because my daughter likes it but this 'most special day of the year' stuff must be exhausting - no one day can bear the weight of such expectation.

Children like spending time with their parents, having their attention and doing fun stuff. I don't think most of them give much thought to the actual date. Enjoy the time you spend with them and don't get hung up on dates.

The children's needs are most important, so while you should be fair as far as possible, if they do tell you they would rather be at home with you, you should definitely honour that.

YABU, my DBIL is a NRP who gets his kids every other weekend, and 2 weeks in the Summer. He would love more, but his ex moved 2 hours away and stopped his midweek contact, promising more time in the holidays, which hasn't happened.

They split Christmas, one gets Christmas Eve until noon Christmas Day, and the other noon Christmas day and Boxing Day, with DBIL doing all the driving, so his Christmas Day is spend driving too and from his ex's house from 10am - 2pm every year. He would love to have his kids more and be the RP, but that won't happen until they can vote with their feet and ask to live with him.

I half hope that his ex does stop him seeing them at Christmas, it might be the push he needs to go back to court and get this order amended taking into account the distance he has to drive (when the order was written they lived 10 minutes walk from each other)