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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your 6 yr old DD came home and told you this, how would you respond?

48 replies

Newschool · 23/09/2014 04:10

To give some background, my daughter has just started at a new school in year 2. We moved in the Summer and she misses her old school terribly.

She is desperate to fit it, but I think she is doing very well so far. Keeping up with all her work, had a couple of playdates and found a few friends that seem very sweet.

There are a couple of 'bossy' girls in her class so I've been told by other mums. Today at lunch these 2 girls told DD that if she ate their leftovers they would agree to play with her at playtime, DD did it :(

I've got a tendency to go in heavy handed and DD will think I'm cross with her, and not tell me things if I do this. I'm so angry with the other girls and so sad that DD can't seem to tell the difference between when people are being mean. She had a period of this in her old school with one particular girl, and she always seems to want to go back for more when someone is mean to her, especially when it's a girl who she perceives as being very popular.

How can I help her to stand up for herself, and stop her being same magnet to these characters?

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 23/09/2014 04:16

Well for starters, you need to speak to her teacher. The school needs to address not sharing food for allergy reasons. No children should be sharing food. Secondly, they need to know this is going on and discuss how you can address it. Teachers can guide children towards more appropriate friendships and keep and eye on potential problems.

BastardGoDarkly · 23/09/2014 04:23

Yes, just have a quiet word with her teacher, she doesn't have to know.

I know how you must feel, but try and be calm.

Poor dd :(

Woodenheart · 23/09/2014 04:27

Thank goodness she told you, im not much help but that shows she can talk to you and didnt hide it Thanks

Original poster
Newschool · 23/09/2014 04:32

Should I bring it up with her teacher? I'm doubting whether to do this based on the one incident.

One of the above girls did say something to DD that made her cry on her first day, I'm not sure exactly what but something along the lines of her not being good enough at maths or something, this happened in her classroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newschool · 23/09/2014 04:34

The lunchtime incident to me, is bullying. It's straightforward bullying no?

DD responded by telling me, but they did play with me mummy, we played this game and that game .... why doesn't she see it's wrong? What have I done wrong as her mum to give her such terrible boundaries and how can I fix it? :(

OP posts:
Woodenheart · 23/09/2014 04:35

I would definitely tell the teacher and log everything so you don't have to remember dates,

If they stop doing it to DD they may move on to another child who may not speak up x

Woodenheart · 23/09/2014 04:40

They made it into a 'game' so it all seemed lighthearted, Its still bullying in my book,

You've done nothing wrong, she can talk to you about her day because you listen and are interested, thats what she needs,

Don't let it go, nip it in the bud,

dilys4trevor · 23/09/2014 04:44

The best course of action is to tell the teacher. DD need never know you have done so. It's hard not to hate other kids sometimes, especially when they take advantage of a sweet and trusting nature and are needlessly mean and shabby. I'd be the same.

Teachers are good at encouraging certain friendships and discouraging others. The school is your best bet. I'd try not to teach anything to DD myself at this stage. I'm not sure she would ever properly understand the difference at this age between a child being nice and one pretending to be, or recognise if a child asking her to do something unreasonable.

She sounds like a lovely little girl. Feel happy that you are raising someone so sweet and sorry for the parents of those other girls! Hopefully, they will get to hear of this bullying incident from the teacher and will get the chance to teach their own children a thing or two!

Original poster
Newschool · 23/09/2014 04:44

Yes, I will go straight in and talk to her teacher. I'll ask the office for 10 minutes with her tomorrow.

At the heart of it though I need to teach DD not to be afraid to stand up for herself, this is subtle bullying and the school may/may not see it happening all the time.

OP posts:
peasandlove · 23/09/2014 04:45

Why don't you just explain to her that she shouldn't need to do that in order for the girls to play with her and that whilst she had a nice time with them in the end it wasn't actually very nice of them. That's what I would say to my 5yr old. And probably say she should play with the other girls in the class and not those two

Original poster
Newschool · 23/09/2014 04:48

I did say all of the above. I just hope she is able to carry it through. What's happened in the past is that the bad behaviour from other girls has continued but DD just started lying to me about it. This was at her previous school. I'm scared the pattern will repeat itself.

OP posts:
peasandlove · 23/09/2014 04:50

Similar happened to my dd when she started school this year there were 3 girls in the class the first few weeks, my dd and two others. They all played together. One day she came home and told me the other two told her she had to hold the door open for them when they went to the bathroom and she didn't want to do it. I felt annoyed and that they were being horrid. But I just told her to say to them no she didn't want to hold doors open for them and not to do it. She was fine. It's easy for us to react as we are protecting our babies.

peasandlove · 23/09/2014 04:54

I guess we need to teach them the self worth to not put up with bad treatment from others

claraschu · 23/09/2014 04:54

Maybe you could talk to her about people using: "I will (or won't) be your friend if...(you do xyz which you don't want to do)". This is unpleasant behaviour which kids can recognise fairly easily.

claraschu · 23/09/2014 05:07

I would try to keep the conversation lighthearted and not about particular friends of hers, so she doesn't feel you are criticising those girls. She might start lying in an attempt to make you like her "new friends". The fact she lied about the old friends' behaviour shows that she knows they were being mean.

You could say something about yourself to open a conversation about what makes a good friend. For instance make up a story about how you had a friend who said you could go to her birthday party if gave her your new pencil, and then she didn't invite you.

Original poster
Newschool · 23/09/2014 05:18

Thank you, for the replies they're very helpful. I always feel like a lioness when something like this happens and have to reign myself in.

What are people's thoughts on speaking to the mums of the girls? I have no qualms about doing this, I have met one of them already and she too was quite bolshy. Class rep I think ...

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 23/09/2014 05:23

Yes you absolutely need to tell the teacher because Midnite is correct, there should be no food sharing at that age, or even older, due to allergy risk.
This is an extreme case but it can happen - food sharing should be an absolute no-no, IMO.

As to her boundaries, well all children, however confident they are, like to be liked at that age so I don't think you've done anything wrong. Just reiterate that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to, and anyone who tries to make her do stuff she doesn't want to is not a friend.

Thumbwitch · 23/09/2014 05:24

I wouldn't speak to the mum after just one incident. Let the teacher attempt to deal with it first, keep lines of communications open with your DD and the teacher and if it persists, then consider talking to the mum if nothing is being done at school.

nooka · 23/09/2014 05:25

I really wouldn't. To start with you only have your dd's perspective on what happened and small children are not the most reliable reporters. The other mum might be inclined to go lioness about her daughter, just as you have. Also there probably isn't very much that the mum can do about her behaviour while at school, the teacher is much better placed to intervene.

If you were friends then it would be very different.

differentnameforthis · 23/09/2014 08:00

What have I done wrong as her mum to give her such terrible boundaries

Nothing. This is not because of something that you have/haven't done. You just need to give her the resources now to deflect this, if it happens again.

skylark2 · 23/09/2014 08:07

If my DD came home and told me this at 6, I would think that what had happened was probably that she and another girl had been spoken to about not sharing leftovers and she was building a defence in case the teacher told you.

At that age she was the queen of the slightly far-fetched story intended to pre-deflect any blame from herself, with a complete inability to see why an adult might think it was serious.

I might speak to the teacher to find out what really happened. I wouldn't dream of saying anything to the other parents.

TheLovelyBoots · 23/09/2014 08:12

Oh, OP, I'd be very upset as well. Flowers

I would definitely speak to the teacher. She should be keeping a keen eye on your daughter to ensure she settles in well.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 23/09/2014 08:16

No don't speak to the mum. Speak to the teacher. Keep in touch with the school to find out what they're doing about it.

pippinleaf · 23/09/2014 08:17

This would break my heart too. But little girls forget stuff so quickly and while you may still be wincing about it next week, she will have moved on. I think you should mention it to her teacher. I'm a teacher and I'd really want to sort this. I think I'd ensure that your daughter has someone to play with and sit with at lunchtime that might be a decent person. Please do let us know what happens so I can stop feeling sad for your little girl.

mollypup · 23/09/2014 08:34

girls can't half be manipulative little witches at times. poor dd. Angry