If your 6 yr old DD came home and told you this, how would you respond?

[Newschool]

To give some background, my daughter has just started at a new school in year 2. We moved in the Summer and she misses her old school terribly.

She is desperate to fit it, but I think she is doing very well so far. Keeping up with all her work, had a couple of playdates and found a few friends that seem very sweet.

There are a couple of 'bossy' girls in her class so I've been told by other mums. Today at lunch these 2 girls told DD that if she ate their leftovers they would agree to play with her at playtime, DD did it :(

I've got a tendency to go in heavy handed and DD will think I'm cross with her, and not tell me things if I do this. I'm so angry with the other girls and so sad that DD can't seem to tell the difference between when people are being mean. She had a period of this in her old school with one particular girl, and she always seems to want to go back for more when someone is mean to her, especially when it's a girl who she perceives as being very popular.

How can I help her to stand up for herself, and stop her being same magnet to these characters?

so sad that DD can't seem to tell the difference between when people are being mean. She had a period of this in her old school with one particular girl, and she always seems to want to go back for more when someone is mean to her, especially when it's a girl who she perceives as being very popular

This was my DD with her ex-best friend. It was so frustrating to watch as ex bestie was striving to be queen bee. She would be nasty, manipulative and controlling of my dd but dd would keep going back for more regardless of how bad it got.

I just explained each time there was an incident (and there were a lot) exactly why it was wrong and that real friends didn't do that to each other. I tried not to get angry in front of my dd but sometimes it was unavoidable as ex-bestie upped the ante. But I made certain that DD didn't think I was angry with her at these times. I repeated myself time and time again.

Eventually as dd got older she finally understood what I was saying to her and started to pull away and the girl has since moved.
This friendship started when dd was 5 and when they are so little its hard for them to see horrid behaviour in others. It didn't help that dd was/is a people pleaser and just wants to be friends with everyone!!

Unfortunately you have to let them find their own way, I didn't want to be the one to say "No you cant be friends With ***" as I don't think this helps. I needed for dd to see what I was seeing. It took a long while but she got there in the end.
But its hard when you see your own child being upset time and time again. You just need to be there for your daughter, reassure her and explain calmly why this behaviour is wrong.

Also agree to talking to the teachers, do not speak to the parent at this stage as the food incident is a school issue. I fear if you talk to the parent then its likely not to solve anything.

Speak to school as a first point. Theycan raise I as a whole class issue.

Reiterate to DD how good it was that she told you. We've had issues in the past with DD not wanting to tell us stuff in case she got into trouble etc. Now we have a real focus on sharing worries and things that have happened and lots of praise for doing that.

Also, we are looking at this situation from an adult point of view where eating leftovers is seen as degrading. Could it be that the girls involved justsaw it as expedient? Are there rules on how much they have to eat before they can go out to play? Maybe they asked DD to finish their food so that they could play. Kids see things in a very different way to us. Not defending it but also I wouldn't assume it was meant in a bullying way.

Your DD is telling you about this. You're doing a great job. Don't beqt yourself up.

Sorry for typos. Stupid phone.

I'd speak to the teacher, and if you can, start inviting home other girls to play after school.
I know you said that you've done a few playdates but I would try to up the number and also maybe enrol your daughter in some out of school clubs. IME if you can get some strong friendships going then these girls will have less of an allure.

girls can't half be manipulative little witches at times

I think that is a bit off, calling 6yr olds witches, regardless of what they have done/are doing.

They are just little girls too, remember. No doubt they have been taught that manipulation & blackmail get you what you want.

I think you need to stop being so angry and rude about small children. Very small children.....6 years old! Sure deal with it, be upset, but some perspective is sorely needed here.

6 year old girls are not innocents. They can be manipulative and spiteful if the mood takes them. I know I used to teach them.

glad you don't now with that attitude.

Ask any teacher. I said they can be not all of them are.

You're in need of a reality check.

Sunna I don't disagree, to be fair. There are a couple of girls who aren't the nicest little girls in dd2's class.

However, I draw the line at calling a child a witch.

I would as well. But to imply they are very small children and innocents is daft.

I think that sadly a bit of bullying is not uncommon at this age as children start to become more aware of their own power. The big positive here is that your daughter shared with you and while she might not learn over night together you can help build up her understanding, self confidence and ability to deal with situations like this. I think it is just as an important learning experience of school asthe aacademic side.

I also second all the other posters who say to speak to the teacher. A classmate of my dd was bullied when they were 5. The teacher tackled it not by dealing directly with the offending children but by mimicking some of the behaviour with the teaching assistant. They explained afterwards it was an act but held a group discussion about how the children felt and how the teaching assistant felt.

A few years later when my dd was bullied at a different school she handled it brilliantly she had remembered that session in school. She knew that it was not her fault and she was even about able to empathise to some degree and to forgive the bully and beginafriendship that wed equal and fair.

Sorry about all the typos. It's not me tis my phone :).

I would speak to the teacher because you don't want them sharing food, but I wouldn't see it as the terrible thing that you seem to unless your dd was upset by it, which I don't see any indication that she was.

I agree with Hairylittlegoblin in that it could be totally innocently done. You're looking on it as an adult "yuck" but I'm sure my year 3 ds wouldn't worry, in fact might well have asked if he could if he liked what they had. Dd2 and her best friend quite frequently, when they both have school dinners, swap plates at the end as one likes the meat and the other likes the veg and finish each other's left overs-and they're year 6.
I've had with mine once or twice when I've thought "oh that was deliberately nasty" and asked a few leading questions and found that it very clearly was regarded as fun by all concerned and neither side initiated it either.

I would definitely speak with her teacher. At 6 years old I could pretty much rely on my son to tell me quite an accurate account of events. Two years ago when my son was just starting YR 1, I moved him to a new school. He came home a couple of days later and told me two girls in the year above kept kicking him and blocking him to stop him from using the boys loos. That day he'd also had P.E and left his school shoes in the hall, so the following morning he went in to the hall to get his shoes while I was watching through the window outside. The two girls came along shut the hall door, so they were all alone then kicked him when he was bending down to get his shoes and then they kicked his shoes across the hall. I was so upset. I wish my son would stick up for himself, but being a gentle child and at a new school he looked so scared.

I went straight in and asked to speak with his teacher after school. She was great, had a chat with my son and asked him to point out the girls next time he was in assembly. I have to say our teacher was brilliant at tackling this and it was nipped straight in the bud. I also wouldn't approach the child's mother, best tackled via the school first in my experience. Hope it gets sorted.

If you dont think six year olds are innocents, there is something really fucked up in your perspective. They aren't adults.

Newschool i totally sympathise with you and I wouldn't find this easy as I tend to be lion mum too when I hear of my or any other child being treated badly. I have a fairly recent thread in chat about how to encourage boundaries and assertiveness in girls (my dd is in YR), which might be worth a look.

The girls at your dd's school are playing a power game, your dd was submissive to them as they wanted and expected imo. It's early days and I would keep chatting to your dd (keep it light?) about how nice friends wouldn't make her do things like eat their left over food (wtf??) or attach any strings to being friends and playing together. Maybe you can view this as an opportunity to build dd's confidence.

Definitely tell the teacher though so that school, including dinner ladies know what's going on in this class. These two girls probably have form for such shitty behaviour.
Hope your dd finds some real friends soon.

"I've had with mine once or twice when I've thought "oh that was deliberately nasty" and asked a few leading questions and found that it very clearly was regarded as fun by all concerned and neither side initiated it either."

That's kind of the opposite of my post and I find this viewpoint interesting. Do we tend to interpret things in a much more 'sinister' way because as adults we have seen so much in terms of bullying/ power games etc? I really don't know.

Maybe you should read the thread, grockle. 6 year olds are deliberately doing spiteful things.

God, it can start a lot earlier than 6! When Ds1 started at a playgroup, he must have been just 2, there was a group of 3 little girls aged 4 who were very "tight" with each other and used to push away anyone else who tried to join in. I listened in to what they were saying after I saw one of them physically shove DS1 away from "their" toy and it was pretty unpleasant!
"Go away, we don't want boys playing with us, you're horrible and we're not playing with you" in mean tones. Poor Ds was completely bewildered by it!

Luckily they left the following term :)

It is true, girls can be utterly vile even at a young age, one of my memories of primary school was age 6 when some nasty little horror stuck her long nails in my leg and made me bleed for no reason and I got attacked by another girl who grew up to stab someone in the eye.

Grocklebox, with all due respect I think you may have been living under a rock...

DD has just gone into year 1 and I have heard some hideous reports of things that go on (not at DD's school necessarily) in schools in the area and the children concerned are all the same age as DD so 5/6.

There was one child who was bullying the child of a friend of mine (and her little friend). This child would make the two girls go to the toilet and would make them keep the toilet doors open and would not let them leave until they'd been to the toilet. On one occasion she made one child actually go to the toilet on the floor!!! The bully was 6. Having said that, to my mind that wasn't normal bullying behavior, what on earth had that child seen in her young life to make her think it was OK to do things like that. But she did.

I was really worried in the first half of last year when DD was in Reception because she didn't seem to have just one close friend. But when I look at the children that do, I'm really glad she doesn't. I constantly see/hear 'You're not my best friend anymore, I don't want to play with you'. No-one has ever said that to DD. She is friends with everyone and sometimes doesn't even remember who she's played with, but she says that she's always played with someone and no-one has ever been mean to her. I feel very lucky in that respect.

I would have no hesitation OP in going into the school to speak with the teachers, no way I would let that go.

Your DD is obviously really comfortable in telling you things and that is so important.

children can learn these behaviours at an early age, not just girls. DS told me about a boy in his class who would bribe other DC with sweets to go and kick other children ("go and kick x and come back here and I will give you a sweet"). I absolutely believed DS and could see where the behaviour came from too. That is by no means the only instance of nasty, subtle bullying perpetrated by boys that I have seen.

OP - definitely talk to the teacher. You can tell your DD that friendships should not be conditional, etc, etc until you are blue in the face and she will nod and smile and nothing will change. One well managed "circle time" and the whole class will be aware of what is and isn't acceptable and will tell each other so, loudly and repeatedly, making the behaviour socially unacceptable within the group.