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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not buy a leaving gift

53 replies

highlighta · 22/09/2014 11:20

A couple that we are friends with are moving to another country. The leaving do is next weekend for which we have received an invite. On the invite it says rather than to buy gifts, to put something so cash in an envelope.

I have a problem with giving a gift in this situation for various reasons. Firstly, the couple got married earlier this year. They were married away from where we live and so we all had to book flights and accommodation to the venue of the wedding as it was on a beach. The wedding cost us a bloody fortune, not only was it flights and the hotel, but there was a theme to the wedding, and the dc and us had to get new outfits, hire a car while we were there, etc.

On the wedding invite they also asked for no gifts and that cash would be appreciated, so we gave them quite a substantial sum of money in a card, which to this day we have never even received a thank you for.

The reason that they are moving is for his work. His company is paying all of their relocation fees, rent for first year at their new house, supplied with company car. They are not having to fund the move at all from their own money.

When it was the hen night, we had to contribute a gift for that too. Not your normal salt and pepper shaker or pair of willy slippers, there was a list of things she wanted which included very personal items that she wanted for the day, expensive nail polish in certain colour, gift card for spa day etc. We also had to pay for the platters of food which were pre-ordered. I don't mind paying for anything that I eat, but each person paid a fair amount, and we ended up with no more than a tiny plate of sausage roll type snacks each. I think the money we paid went towards her and her wedding party drinks as we had to buy our own and theirs was on a tab....

So if I add up everything that we have spend on this couple within this year, it is an astronomical amount.

So now I have to provide yet another envelope with money in it. I am absolutely seething about this..... This is just taking the piss isn't it....?

OP posts:
BuildYourOwnSnowman · 22/09/2014 11:23

They are very expectant of other people!

They asked for something in an envelope so just give them a card.

Personally, I would only get someone a leaving present if I knew they would have trouble setting up (in this case not) or as a reminder of home (doesn't sound like they need it). No way would I give cash.

A lot of people seem to think that if they invite you to a party you have to give them something in return.

Eminybob · 22/09/2014 11:26

Just don't give them anything. It wouldn't even occur to me to mention gifts on the invite to something like that! Very odd and grabby.

If you didn't get a thank you for the wedding gift then they probably didn't even register that you had given them anything so probably won't notice if you give them nothing this time.

russiandwarf · 22/09/2014 11:26

I think it's a bit cheeky to ask for a leaving gift, money or otherwise! I've never heard of that before. I would just not take anything, especially if they didn't even thank you for the wedding money gift! Or take a bottle of wine if you must!

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 22/09/2014 11:29

Give them a present that is going to be hugely inconvenient for them to take in their luggage (assuming they've shipped their stuff already). A bottle of wine with a loose cork? A luxury box of cheese?

Vycount · 22/09/2014 11:29

I think I'd send apologies for the leaving do and ignore the cash in envelope suggestion.

Iconfuseus · 22/09/2014 11:32

They said something in an envelope so . . .

. . . paper clips?

. . . etiquette book with chapter about gifts highlighted?

. . . a nice set of thank you cards?

. . . ten pennies blue-tacked to a piece of card?

. . . a card asking them to loose your phone number?

Don't be a mug, just send them a sorry you're leaving card. They are beyond outrageous.

highlighta · 22/09/2014 11:32

Thanks, glad its not just me who thinks this is not on!

She is from a wealthy background, him not so much and we were friends with him more before the wedding. She is pretty entitled. I wouldn't even be able to ask a gift if I were leaving, let alone do a power point presentation asking for it Hmm

OP posts:
Explored · 22/09/2014 11:33

A leaving gift is something everyone has clubbed for together to remind them of their old home. DH (before we were married) was once given an ink drawing of his old city, which we still have and which he's very attached to. That's lovely.

If you/their friends aren't doing something like that, no need to do anything IMO. TBH I think I'd be busy for that party unless there were going to be lots of other people there I want to party with Grin in which case I'd be very comfortable to turn up empty handed.

Purpleroxy · 22/09/2014 11:37

I'd not go to the leaving do. They sound appalling.

Honeezreturn · 22/09/2014 11:37

Grin at willy slippers! I want some!

YANBU, they sound grabby, just give them a card

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 22/09/2014 11:38

If she is very wealthy she probably assumes people can be as generous as dh can afford to be. As everyone was too polite to say anything at the hen and wedding she was not disabused of this notion.

Love the idea of a card with a paperclip. They will desperately be hunting for the cheque they will assume it was holding in place!!

Nancy66 · 22/09/2014 11:41

greedy bastards! If they're not paying for the drinks at their party then I wouldn't be going to that either.

notagainffffffffs · 22/09/2014 11:41

Cheeky bastards!

highlighta · 22/09/2014 11:43

Honeez

These

These are my usual hen night type gift... Grin

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rainbowinmyroom · 22/09/2014 11:48

Cheeky fuckers! I would not go to the leaving do and not give them a bean. If you do go, don't give them shit. Why the fuck would you, they don't even say thanks.

Legionofboom · 22/09/2014 11:48

Send them this book in an envelope. You could add the willy slippers if you like.

To not buy a leaving gift
highlighta · 22/09/2014 11:54

Oh another thing I just thought of... I though this a little odd at the wedding - although its off topic now I just wanted to see if you thought this was odd too:

One of the guests brought their 18 year old son with them to the wedding, and she made him sit at the children's table! FFS all the other children's ages were ranging from about 3-12 years....

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Honeezreturn · 22/09/2014 11:56

They sound strange and very self absorbed, send them the willy slippers and say they have to share them!

LePetitPont · 22/09/2014 12:02

What's the deal with the PowerPoint?!

It would never occur to me on god's green earth to think people would buy me a moving away gift, let alone stipulate what it should be. How bizarre!

highlighta · 22/09/2014 12:10

LePetite

Yes, the invitation we received for the leaving do was a whole power point presentation... its about 6 pages long. It includes way too many photos of them arm and arm, kissing, hugging you get the idea, photos of where they are moving too, even a picture of their boxes packed!

I am being totally serious... funny thing is we had to rsvp to his work email address....... Grin. God, I only hope that he didn't use work hours to perfect the power point masterpiece ... Grin

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rainbowinmyroom · 22/09/2014 12:12

Why did you RSVP at all? Cancel it now. Say something came up. Why be such a mug to these people?

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 22/09/2014 12:12

I know someone proposed using a PowerPoint presentation

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 22/09/2014 12:13

I wouldn't cancel. Go and enjoy yourself. Just don't give them anymore than a card (preferably handmade by a child using copious amounts of glitter)

zuzu1809 · 22/09/2014 12:14

Bloody hell, they sound hideously greedy to me! I wouldn't even bother going to the leaving do, let alone giving them a gift.

highlighta · 22/09/2014 12:16

We do have to go to the party as I really do like the husband although his wife's money grabbing skills are rubbing off on him, or he hasn't the balls to tell her how it is and I won't see them again after that. But we have to take our own drinks, so I will take a bottle of wine along, and perhaps they will think it a gift. I shall then open it and drink it Grin...

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