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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not see why I should buy a gift?

34 replies

lem73 · 21/09/2014 20:41

My bil and sil have never bought a gift for any of my three kids. I have two boys (15 and 11) and a 6 year old girl. My bil has three (1,3 and 5). Over the years I have given my bil a huge amount of stuff from travel cots to train sets and I literally have never received a thank you.
On top of this my husband is incredibly generous to his nieces and nephew. Last month he travelled to Orlando for work and brought his nieces exactly the same gifts as my dd.
Despite all this my children have never received a birthday gift from them. I didn't mind when bil was single but I think he should start to reciprocate now he has kids of his own.
When my husband wanted to have his side of the family around for my ds's birthday I said no because I was sick of them showing up for birthday celebrations empty handed. He said he would sort it. The solution was my mil bought a gift on sil's behalf but also bought gifts for my ds's cousins so they wouldn't get jealous. So basically yet again sil didn't think it was necessary to buy a gift. And I don't understand why the other children need to have a gift on someone else's birthday.
Today my dh asked me to buy a birthday present for his nephew. I want to say no enough but obviously I don't want a quarrel but I'm sick of it. I don't understand why it's ok with my parents in law as well. My dad would kill me if I ignored my own nieces' birthdays. My ds1 is starting to complain about this issue as well. He doesn't care about receiving a gift but he is sick of seeing his sister get nothing especially when he knows how much my husband does for his cousins. ( I honestly didn't say anything to point it out, he brought it up.)
My bil doesn't have a very good job and my fil often gives him money. My dh is very successful and I feel this is why he is so generous and expects nothing back. I have never seen my bil pay for a thing. If we go on a day out for example my husband pays for everything. I would be happy with a £5 gift for the kids. It's simply the gesture. They don't even give a card.
Btw my husband is Muslim so we don't have this issue at Xmas. My kids receive presents from my side of the family.
I know it's not the children's fault and I don't want to 'punish' them but hints haven't worked with my sil. So AIBU?

OP posts:

wishmynamewasdave · 21/09/2014 20:43

I'd get something, but not something any good. Pencils and a notepad or something equally inexpensive.

ViviPru · 21/09/2014 20:54

Different people have different approaches to gift giving. The trick is to try and find a middle ground that everyone is comfortable with.

IMO it has nothing to do with your PIL. You shouldn't expect them to express an opinion/intervene.

Your BIL and SIL have chosen not to buy your DCs gifts. That's their choice (albeit rather mean spirited of them). Sounds like your DH is happy to continue to buy his DNs gifts and can afford them. That's his choice, but I don't think it's fair that you should have to go to the effort of selecting (and doubtless wrapping/organising) these gifts.

Pico2 · 21/09/2014 21:03

My DB didn't get my DD a Christmas present one year. I did get his DC presents (as I do every year). The next year I sent him an email to check that were doing Christmas presents for the children as I certainly wasn't going to have that happen again.

I'd do something to "clarify" the situation with them.

But generally YANBU.

GloriousGloria · 21/09/2014 21:07

I had this problem at one point.

I gave my brother lots of baby stuff, pram Moses basket bedding etc, when he and his partner were expecting their first (her third). They then asked if they could have my cog when they found out DS was no longer in it.
I refused saying that I was going to sell it because it was still worth quite a bit of money, they sulked.

Every Christmas and birthday I would buy all three children presents. I'm a lone parent so it wasn't easy. When they split up I continued to buy for all three of them, my brother and her both stopped. Then I decided to just buy for my niece so that I wasn't pushing myself financially. DS still received nothing from either of them.

I decided to stop all together I made it clear to both that they can't ignore DS but still expect something for DN. They both think the other is responsible so neither does .

I don't care who is responsible (in my mind they both are, brother for his nephew and my nieces mother because DS is her daughters cousin) but to just treat him like he doesn't exist is pretty disgusting.

Original poster

lem73 · 21/09/2014 22:01

I have tried buying a cheap present this year, dh just went out and bought something on top of it! I can't change his mind. I think because he is better off he thinks he shouldn't expect his brother to fork out for a gift.
I know bil and sil are rude and self centred I just wanted some reassurance that I wasn't being a mean cow! I'm going to say if his sil can't be bothered to get out the house to buy a gift neither can I.

OP posts:

Pico2 · 21/09/2014 22:08

It is nothing to do with the money, it's about your DC seeing that their uncle and aunt value them in the same way that you value their cousins. And if your DC are like most, whatever chocolates are on offer would be well received and pretty cheap.

manicinsomniac · 21/09/2014 22:14

I think you have to make your own rules as to who gets presents from you; rules that you are happy with and that work for you.

That might mean that you get presents for some people who don't get them for you. It might mean that you receive presents from people you don't buy for. Or it might mean that you give to exactly the people you receive from.

But trying to second guess and change other people's rules only causes problems and resentment.

fuzzpig · 21/09/2014 22:16

YANBU. Something cheap or nothing.

tippytappywriter · 21/09/2014 22:23

Manic - I agree.
Op. You must only give if you want to and don't expect in return.
I have family members I don't buy for but dh does.

iwaly · 21/09/2014 22:25

We have this issue with one of my family as well. In fact I now feel that maybe I caused a problem in the sense that the presents I gave for a while were possibly a bit too generous. I didn't mean it to seem that way - I just enjoyed buying nice things for my nieces etc - but having stepped back a bit (and being less well off than we previously were) I wonder if maybe they felt they couldn't afford to reciprocate and the whole situation was making them feel awkward? Maybe they felt we would not want the cheap chocolate etc. Whereas I was hurt because we have very small family and my DC would have loved to have been thought of and have a gift to open from another family member no matter what it was.

We never even got much by way of a thank you for the gifts and I think I should have realised not to go overboard with presents or maybe to ask them what the nieces would want rather than just buy things as a surprise. They might have desperately wanted something else and not wanted the thing I got them. I know we should always appreciate whatever we get but if money is tight it can be a bit tricky and they might not realise how a reciprocal small gift would be appreciated.

I would suggest that you either get something small or let DH sort it again or go down the route of asking the SIL what the children would like ("hi I was trying to think what to get X for birthday - I think I need some ideas this year...") rather than just go out and buy something. See what reaction you get.

WooWooOwl · 21/09/2014 22:30

It's up to your DH whether he wants to buy gifts for his own nieces and nephews or not, but in your position, I wouldn't be making any effort either.

It's nothing to do with your parents in law.

Ticktockblock · 21/09/2014 22:33

You don't give to receive!!! You sound bloody horrible. Your DH has every right to buy what he wants for his family and it's nice that he doesn't expect anything in return.

feelingmellow · 21/09/2014 22:36

We never get birthday cards, Xmas cards or thank you cards from my sil and her dc even though I've always sent v generous presents to them every year for the last 15 years. I've finally realised that I might as well save my money, and spend it on my self and my own dc although I really love giving presents (started giving money a few years ago but still no thanks and anyway it doesn't give me the same present buying kick)

fuzzpig · 21/09/2014 22:37

I don't think it's about not getting stuff though, but that they don't really seem to bother at all, not even a card or even a thank you for the gifts they get.

HexBramble · 21/09/2014 22:38

Ticktock RTFT - OP doesn't expect anything for herself - just so that her own DC are acknowledged in the same way. It's the gesture that's important. FFS, a friend of mine is skint but makes fudge, cookies etc for my DC and its what they talk about for ages afterwards. Doesn't take much.

OnlyLovers · 21/09/2014 22:40

Today my dh asked me to buy a birthday present for his nephew.

I can't get past this, TBH. Is he incapable of buying presents for his family himself?

Laquitar · 21/09/2014 22:46

YANBU it is very annoying when things are one way only and not even a thank you or a card or a home made cake in return of all the favours.

But it seems that it is important for your dh and as money is not tight maybe it is not worth to argue. Just let him go and get a present himself, choose your battles and all that...

iK8 · 21/09/2014 22:51

Why is it your sil's fault? Does one need a uterus to buy gifts? Your bil's family = your bil's problem.

But really, I'd just stop buying presents for them.

Charlesroi · 21/09/2014 23:15

Has anyone suggested buying them a drum kit yet?

maddening · 21/09/2014 23:28

I would say that since there are so many dc now that you will buy for your dc on their behalf and they can do the same with their dc - don't even acknowledge that they don't do gifts - they would have to have a brass neck to say anything - then after that the arrangement is set and you just send cards.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/09/2014 23:34

Exactly hex, what is wrong with wanting your chikdren to be acknowledged, or treated similar.

Original poster

lem73 · 21/09/2014 23:47

Ticktock I sound bloody horrible do I? Because I want to see my dc treated the same as their cousins.How unreasonable.
And ultimately it will effect the relationship between the cousins and that's a shame. My ds has noticed and isn't happy and dd is growing up and will notice too. It has nothing to do with money or material things. It is simply showing that they are thinking of the children. They don't even buy a bloody card for God's sake.

OP posts:

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 22/09/2014 04:11

FFS. Threads like this always bring out the weirdos of MN who tend to believe the following-

You are a horrible person if you want your child to get a birthday present from a close relative
However if YOU want to refrain from buying a gift you are a mean mean person (despite having spent a fortune over the years), it's a CHILD you know
Because the OP mentioned SIL at one point she must be a sexist pig who expects women to do all the present buying (this conclusion is jumped to rather than the fact that SIL is 50% responsible for present buying)
Your husbands blood relatives are fuck all to do with you, and all of a sudden his money is HIS not yours, so keep your beak out (if it was a thread about joint finances for food shopping that's a different story and you should LTB if he keeps money to hisself.)

I would ignore any responses that suggest the above OP.
Anyway YANBU it's simply unfair. Do their kids get a lot of gifts? Would they miss out a lot if you stopped buying for them?
If so I would maybe send an email saying that "to save on finances I think from now on we should do cards not gifts, let's face it the kids don't need anymore stuff do they!". Me and my brothers have this deal because our ILs buy so much bloody shite for the LOs and it works well for everyone. Our kids get plenty and they don't even notice, their aunt and uncles presence is enough to keep them happy!

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 22/09/2014 04:14

Ps the above deal with my brothers only applies at birthdays, we do buy at Xmas because everyone is together and it's always been a much bigger deal in our family

Thumbwitch · 22/09/2014 04:29

Ignore the weirdo.

YANBU at all, it's not on for gift giving to be so completely one-sided and frankly if your DH can't see how unkind they're being to his own DC then he's got bigger problems!

But definitely leave him to buy the present - if you get a cheap one and he doesn't think it's good enough, then it becomes his job to get a present that he does think is good enough, not yours.

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