To not see why I should buy a gift?

[lem73]

My bil and sil have never bought a gift for any of my three kids. I have two boys (15 and 11) and a 6 year old girl. My bil has three (1,3 and 5). Over the years I have given my bil a huge amount of stuff from travel cots to train sets and I literally have never received a thank you.
On top of this my husband is incredibly generous to his nieces and nephew. Last month he travelled to Orlando for work and brought his nieces exactly the same gifts as my dd.
Despite all this my children have never received a birthday gift from them. I didn't mind when bil was single but I think he should start to reciprocate now he has kids of his own.
When my husband wanted to have his side of the family around for my ds's birthday I said no because I was sick of them showing up for birthday celebrations empty handed. He said he would sort it. The solution was my mil bought a gift on sil's behalf but also bought gifts for my ds's cousins so they wouldn't get jealous. So basically yet again sil didn't think it was necessary to buy a gift. And I don't understand why the other children need to have a gift on someone else's birthday.
Today my dh asked me to buy a birthday present for his nephew. I want to say no enough but obviously I don't want a quarrel but I'm sick of it. I don't understand why it's ok with my parents in law as well. My dad would kill me if I ignored my own nieces' birthdays. My ds1 is starting to complain about this issue as well. He doesn't care about receiving a gift but he is sick of seeing his sister get nothing especially when he knows how much my husband does for his cousins. ( I honestly didn't say anything to point it out, he brought it up.)
My bil doesn't have a very good job and my fil often gives him money. My dh is very successful and I feel this is why he is so generous and expects nothing back. I have never seen my bil pay for a thing. If we go on a day out for example my husband pays for everything. I would be happy with a £5 gift for the kids. It's simply the gesture. They don't even give a card.
Btw my husband is Muslim so we don't have this issue at Xmas. My kids receive presents from my side of the family.
I know it's not the children's fault and I don't want to 'punish' them but hints haven't worked with my sil. So AIBU?

Is it an affordability issue?

Just let him shop for the present, it's his choice what he spends his salary on surely. Perhaps he knows his brother can't afford gifts and doesn't care.

BIL should at least send a card as they don't cost much but if your children expect gifts then you need to be showing them that gifts don't matter and are not to be expected.

It does sound tough but your DH sounds a lovely, kind, generous man. That would be worth a lot to me.

I think children have to learn that families do things differently, we have one SIL who doesn't every buy gifts for our DS (although does for other sides of the family - I don't think he's really noticed (he is a teenager now) but if he did say anything I would just say something along the lines that 'people do things differently, life isn't equal'. It could be a good life lesson to learn.

I really wouldn't expect anything if they really are that skint.
And I'd keep giving them gifts.

The nephews are not the parents. They are just children.

As for the ILs, are they any generous with their time?

YANBU. It's the thought that counts. You are not expecting anything expensive. I'm sure you'd even think a Poundland present is ok.

I think you need to say that your kids feel hurt and can they at least get their kids to draw a card if they can't afford a present. I think you need to say that to DH too. A homemade card and a £1box of maltesers is not asking too much.
Make DH understand that you are not resentful of the money that he spends, even that you are glad that you can afford to treat dn's to things their parents can't afford, but that you need some emotional consideration in return rather than a financial outlay.

Thanks for everyone's comments. Just to clarify my kids aren't looking for anything. They're not greedy or spoilt. We've actually been at family occasions where my mil or her mother have brought presents for my dd's cousins but not her and she's had to sit and watch them open them in front of her and she has never complained.
I didn't want to go on in the OP but it's not just about presents at birthdays. My ils never bought toys or clothes for my kids. My parents were the ones who would bring things. I just thought that was their way (btw they are very well off). However when bil started a family they bought loads of things. They are even paying for husband's nephew to go to private school. I wouldn't want anyone to do that for me but it's blatantly unfair. I do wonder if they treat my kids differently because my husband married outside of his religion instead of an arranged marriage like his brother. But surely it's still their flesh and blood.
Anyway my kids are all kind and generous to their cousins and that is very important to me.

I do think that your ILs and BIL/SIL attitudes should be separate from how you deal with your OH's nephews.
On one hand, yanbu to tell your OH to buy the present himself, on the other hand I think he is doing the right think to give presents to his nephews if he wants to. And I'd keep encouraging your children to be as generous as they have been so far.
I'm not surprised they notice the different treatment, but that should influence only how they perceive their grandparents and uncle, not their cousins.

YANBU - it's the principle!

lem - it's quite possible that you're absolutely right - that your DH and your DC are seen in a lesser light because they're not all within your IL's religion/culture. Very sad and pathetic to behave like that though - and look on how much they're going to miss out, plus it's hardly likely to encourage your DC to be interested in their culture/religion, if being part of it appears to turn you into such a bigot1