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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset with MIL

53 replies

woodlands01 · 21/09/2014 16:50

Historically difficult MIL - lots of falling out within family. We have avoided it as we have 2 DC she wants to see and I have been very direct and honest with her when she is out of order.
She has spent every Xmas with us with the exception of two. This has meant for the whole season - 2 weeks covering Xmas and New Year as she lived abroad. Sometimes with her husband, sometimes without, when they had difficulties. The run up to them not spending Xmas with us for 2 years was when her husband (in the October half term visit) was drinking gin at 11 o'clock in the morning, drinking and driving and acting very worryingly and strangely -all while my DH was at work! I spoke to MIL about this before the next Xmas saying I could not have that type of behavior in front of the children, although we would like her to spend Xmas with us, and she (thankfully) said it was better not to come.
Since this her husband has died and she is now living in this country and has spent Xmas with us, for the whole 2 weeks as she is on her own and sees no other family.
This year she announces she is going on a 5 day holiday to France with a new lady friend 'as they would both be on their own'. I was amazed and said so you won't be staying with us then? She sort of waffled on about not knowing what to do if I asked her (I always do and if not talk to her about why, for 13 years!). AIBU to be upset? I know its petty but I would never have organised Xmas without considering her. I then get a text a week later saying she is not going to France and hopes 'I haven't left it too late to spend the time with you all'. AIBU to be really pissed off? I am!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/09/2014 16:57

I think you were a bit unreasonable to be pissed off in the first place as she's entitled to make her own arrangements but perhaps feel a bit messed about now. It's not exactly a last minute thing though is it?

MimiSunshine · 21/09/2014 16:57

Are you upset that she made plans to spend Christmas in France without talking to you first or that she then cancelled those plans and asked to come to yours instead?

ilovesooty · 21/09/2014 16:59

And has she cancelled France because she felt guilty after her conversation with you? If so I think you're being very unreasonable to be pissed off.

WooWooOwl · 21/09/2014 17:02

It's still September, why would you be bothered about your mil telling you she was spending Christmas with a friend this far away from the event?

This is wierd.

ajandjjmum · 21/09/2014 17:04

Personally I think it's lovely for her to be going to France, although it might have been nice if she'd mentioned it beforehand - but then you know she's difficult. Hope she hasn't cancelled because of your reaction, as that's your Christmases planned for the next ** years!!! Grin

Good for you for keeping the relationship going though!

Littlefish · 21/09/2014 17:08

Yes, I think you are unreasonable for being upset. It's only September. She finally feels confident enough to spend Christmas with a friend, and you have made her feel guilty about it.

She is a grown up and can make her own decisions about how she wants to spend her time.

Squitten · 21/09/2014 17:12

So first you're annoyed because she dares to want to do something else with her Xmas? And now that you successfully made her feel bad, you're annoyed that she has changed her plans to do what you wanted her to do in the first place?!

Wow.

Humansatnav · 21/09/2014 17:13

YABU

Sandthorn · 21/09/2014 17:16

Mentioned it beforehand? Before what? If she was changing her mind the week before Christmas you might be entitled to be pissed off, but whether she's coming or not, you've got three months notice. Are you just looking for an excuse to be pissed off with her?

ChuckNovice · 21/09/2014 17:17

What's wrong with drinking gin at 11am??

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 21/09/2014 17:18

Maybe she is "historically difficult" but can't see that she's done anything wrong here

BerylStreep · 21/09/2014 17:18

I think YABU to be upset. She is entitled to make plans on her own.

You could clear the air by telling her she is always welcome at Christmas, but you will be delighted for her if she makes other plans.

ChuckNovice · 21/09/2014 17:21

Especially at Christmas

Pagwatch · 21/09/2014 17:26

What are you upset about? I don't really get it. What did she do wrong?

iK8 · 21/09/2014 17:32

I don't get it either Confused

magpiegin · 21/09/2014 17:33

Which bit are you upset about? Her arranging to go to France or her cancelling it? I can't see what she has done wrong.

SugarPlumTree · 21/09/2014 17:34

Is it because you feel that by making other plans that she is rejecting the good will you have shown her in the past and feels a bit like a rejection of your hospitality?

I can kind of understand you were surprised when she first said it but it's great she's branching out and being independent, to be encouraged in my opinion.

usualsuspect333 · 21/09/2014 17:37

I'm another one who is a bit baffled as to what you are upset about.

jammytoast · 21/09/2014 17:47

Yes I would also be pissed off that she is saying she would be alone at christmas when that has never been the case because you have always considered her.

YANBU

gentlehoney · 21/09/2014 17:54

Why would she need to tell you she was going to France in flipping September?

She has done nothing wrong and it looks like "historic -difficult-ness" runs in the family!
Welcome her with open arms (and perhaps her friend?) and have a lovely time.

Optimist1 · 21/09/2014 17:58

I think she was painfully aware that she spends almost every Christmas with you, and didn't want to assume that she was invited this year. She and her new friend were discussing Christmas plans and since they're both widows, speculated about going to France together. She thought this would be a plan, and mentioned it to you in conversation to test the water (in case you'd be offended that she's going elsewhere). You reacted a bit negatively and as a result, she's cancelled the plans with her friend.

It sounds like there's a lack of communication between the two of you that should be rectified. Personally, I'd have leapt at the opportunity to break what has become an annual tradition and said that although it wouldn't be the same without her, you're glad that she has a new friend and the Christmas trip to France could be a lovely change for her.

usualsuspect333 · 21/09/2014 17:59

Is it because she said 'they will both be on their own' when you had invited her? So she wouldn't be on her own iyswim.

Maybe she just meant on their own as in both living alone.

usualsuspect333 · 21/09/2014 18:02

But reading your OP it doesn't sound like you had invited her and she didn't want to assume.

pictish · 21/09/2014 18:03

She may well be historically difficult, but I can't see what she has done wrong here. She's an adult and may spend Christmas wherever she pleases. I think a holiday in France with her friend is a great idea!

And now you're pissed off because she changed her mind back to the usual?
I don't understand.

Plus - it is September! Why are you even stressing about this?!

ilovesooty · 21/09/2014 18:03

I'm sure she meant that they were both now single people. Poor woman.