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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset with MIL

53 replies

woodlands01 · 21/09/2014 16:50

Historically difficult MIL - lots of falling out within family. We have avoided it as we have 2 DC she wants to see and I have been very direct and honest with her when she is out of order.
She has spent every Xmas with us with the exception of two. This has meant for the whole season - 2 weeks covering Xmas and New Year as she lived abroad. Sometimes with her husband, sometimes without, when they had difficulties. The run up to them not spending Xmas with us for 2 years was when her husband (in the October half term visit) was drinking gin at 11 o'clock in the morning, drinking and driving and acting very worryingly and strangely -all while my DH was at work! I spoke to MIL about this before the next Xmas saying I could not have that type of behavior in front of the children, although we would like her to spend Xmas with us, and she (thankfully) said it was better not to come.
Since this her husband has died and she is now living in this country and has spent Xmas with us, for the whole 2 weeks as she is on her own and sees no other family.
This year she announces she is going on a 5 day holiday to France with a new lady friend 'as they would both be on their own'. I was amazed and said so you won't be staying with us then? She sort of waffled on about not knowing what to do if I asked her (I always do and if not talk to her about why, for 13 years!). AIBU to be upset? I know its petty but I would never have organised Xmas without considering her. I then get a text a week later saying she is not going to France and hopes 'I haven't left it too late to spend the time with you all'. AIBU to be really pissed off? I am!

OP posts:
Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 21/09/2014 18:05

It seems like you are expected to host if she deigns to attend. After ten years she probably assumes the offer is always there and so its a little annoying that doesn't work both ways.

I'm in a similar arrangement and it is more time and effort for me to have someone outside of my family there, not least because it changes the dynamic. I don't feel beholden to the arrangement though. As much as I wouldn't want anyone on their own, we've never been invited for a meal of any description.

It is a big deal to gave someone for Xmas dinner. ILs family are massive. They can make whatever excuses they want but none of them host this family member.

I think you're having a bit of a hard time. I get on with my ils but I couldn't spend two weeks over Xmas together and I'm sure they feel the same.

pictish · 21/09/2014 18:05

And yes...when she said they were both on their own, she meant they are both single. Which they are!

ilovesooty · 21/09/2014 18:06

I mean poor woman as she's seemingly changed her mind because you were offended. I feel sorry for her friend too.

Vycount · 21/09/2014 18:07

Poor MIL, she's cancelled her trip to France with her friend. I can't for the life of me see what you got so worked up about, I'd have thought you would have been pleased - for yourself and her.

usualsuspect333 · 21/09/2014 18:09

Your MIL is family though Confused

Itsfab · 21/09/2014 18:12

I don't get what you think she did wrong. It is September, not December 23rd. Have you already put the turkey in?

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/09/2014 18:12

What a bitch - that just leaves you nearly three months to do the planning. How dare she!

Bowlersarm · 21/09/2014 18:15

I think the fact she has said she hopes she hasn't left it too late to spend time with you over christmas is slightly alarming. It's September! That gives you a lot of time to prepare Confused. She must feel like she has to tread on eggshells with you...?

MrsPiggie · 21/09/2014 18:17

I really don't understand what reason you've got to be upset. It's not like she declined an invitation at the last moment.

usualsuspect333 · 21/09/2014 18:32

Hahaha at Itsfab.

You best get your brussels on, OP.

Sassyb0703 · 21/09/2014 18:37

YABU

Trickydecision · 21/09/2014 18:41

It sounds as if you might have been a 'historically difficult' DIL.

CrimeaRiver · 21/09/2014 18:43

I'm baffled too.

The only way your upset can make any sense is if you feel that you have been doing her a favour by inviting her for Christmas, and now feel that she is showing ingratitude by not insisting that you continue to do this favour for her (confusing, but I can't make head or tail of it otherwise!).

MommyBird · 21/09/2014 18:47

No idea what she's done wrong Confused

LindyHemming · 21/09/2014 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YellowTulips · 21/09/2014 19:33

Don't see your point OP.

It's hardly like you've been out and bought the turkey yet is it?

But bemuse by this one tbh

Delphiniumsblue · 21/09/2014 19:38

Since it is only September there is plenty of time to make changes.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 21/09/2014 20:00

WAs your MIL aware it was just her DH behaviour that was being referred to or did she perhaps think she had outstayed her welcome?

YABU to be annoyed that she's made plans without telling you, it's not like it's the week before or even November! YANBU to feel surprised about it though since FIL has died. Is she now coming because she thought the offer had been rescinded and wanted to all along, or because she feels guilty? She's not going to spring her friend on you last minute is she?

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 21/09/2014 20:09

This is a great example of why it's never good to get into a routine or tradition wrt Christmas, whether you're a host or a guest.

The minute anyone wants a break from the same old same old someone gets all shirty about it.

Christmas is over 3 months away. Add a grip to your gift list.

ithoughtofitfirst · 21/09/2014 20:44

I would be fucking chuffed if i were you i'm not gonna lie.

HaroldLloyd · 21/09/2014 20:46

I dont think it would be reasonable to be annoyed with her to go to France and have given you loads of notice.

I also don't think it's unreasonable that she has asked can she come after all.

I'm not sure what is annoying you to be honest!

MyFairyKing · 21/09/2014 21:02

YAB bonkers.

SanityClause · 21/09/2014 21:06

Sorry, I'm another one not getting it.

She decided to go to France with a friend.

Then when you indicated you would like her to stay with you, she decided to do that.

Christmas is three months away, so plenty of notice.

Can she ever do anything right?

InnocenceAndExperience · 22/09/2014 08:49

Blimey - talk about giving someone a pasting!

I read it that the OP was upset because MiL had said that she was going to France because she had nowhere to go at Christmas, which clearly was not true.

OP is hurt that MiL would let a friend believe that her family would not be inviting her for Christmas.

It may well be a misunderstanding but I can at least understand why she is upset!

diddl · 22/09/2014 09:09

I think I get it.

Shame you couldn't just say "oh that sounds lovely, but you're welcome here if it doesn't pan out"

Sounds as if she has cancelled due to your reaction which is a shame.