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AIBU?

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Original poster

If I say something to DDs friend?

33 replies

Teddybeau1988 · 21/09/2014 10:01

DD,9, had two school friends sleep over last night.

My 5 y o dd wanted to join in. She wasnt being annoying, just quite happy to sit and watch their film quietly.

One of the friends made quite a few 'you need to go now. Your not sleeping with us' comments to her and this morning keeps telling her to go away which in abit Hmm about.

Would you say something or just never invite that child back as dd is abit sad now

OP posts:
inloominotnorti · 21/09/2014 10:06

Cheerful "Let's include everyone shall we DD's friend?" And do it every time she is rude...

CromerSutra · 21/09/2014 10:08

Agree with this^^.

HSMMaCM · 21/09/2014 10:10

Agree with the breezy comments (but would also try and find something else for 5 yo to do).

MrsCampbellBlack · 21/09/2014 10:10

Actually I do keep my smaller ones away from the older ones when they have a friend over.

The girl shouldn't have expressed it so rudely but I would have found something else for my 5 year old to do.

Hakluyt · 21/09/2014 10:11

She was wrong to say anything and I would have told her off.

But I would also never let a 5 year old gatecrash a 9 year old's sleepover.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/09/2014 10:14

What MrsCambellBlack said. It's not fair on the 9yos to have a 5yo hanging around. Don't you remember how much you would have hated that as a child?

Sunna · 21/09/2014 10:16

5 year old shouldn't have been hanging around. 9 year olds find 5 year olds annoying.

MmeMorrible · 21/09/2014 10:16

I have a similar age gap and always keep the younger one otherwise occupied unless the older ones seek him out to join in with something like a nerf war.

XiCi · 21/09/2014 10:22

I find that girls that age in general are very disparaging to younger kids so I would expect this kind of thing, I've seen it so many times before.

Completely agree that I wouldn't have let a 5 year old gatecrash a 9 yr olds sleepover. You should have kept her entertained with something else.

ILovePud · 21/09/2014 10:23

I think it was a bit of a mean comment from the girl but that it's reasonable to let your nine year old have something for herself. That incident probably wouldn't reach my threshold for never inviting the girl back unless I had other gripes about her too. Hope your 5 year old is ok, perhaps arrange a treat just for her next time your older one has a sleep over.

Hakluyt · 21/09/2014 10:29

I didn't notice the "never invite her back" suggestion! No- you can't possibly never invite her back on the strength of this incident-that would be awful!

CromerSutra · 21/09/2014 11:34

I'm not sure about that. I think that's an incredibly rude thing to say to someone else's sibling! A nine year old is old enough to understand that.

Waltermittythesequel · 21/09/2014 11:36

Yeah, it was mean and I hate seeing older children be mean to younger ones.

And, if they'd all been out playing I would have done a "let's all play together" talk.

But I wouldn't let her crash my 9 year old's sleepover!

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/09/2014 11:44

It was very rude.

But 9 yr olds obviously wouldn't want annoying little brothers and sisters gate crashing their sleep overs. I'd have arranged for the younger one to have a friend or to go somewhere for a sleep over with their friend.

Shelby2010 · 21/09/2014 11:48

I think I'd have to say 'Actually, it's DD's home, she can go where she likes.' But I would keep her out of the way if possible.

HattieFranks · 21/09/2014 11:49

While the 9yr old child has not handled it well and come across rudely, I doubt a 5yr old who is insisting on being involved in everything is going to understand the subtlety of 'we'd really like to play by ourselves now' etc.

Personally I think you are unreasonable expecting a group of 9yr olds to want a 5 yr old gate crashing their sleepover. Not everyone will find your 5yr old as endearing as you do. Even someone 'sitting quietly' is annoying if you don't want them there.

Badly put by the 9yr old but badly handled by you too.

WooWooOwl · 21/09/2014 11:49

I wouldn't say anything and I wouldn't stop inviting my older child's friend over either. What I would do is find something to occupy my younger child so she wasn't getting in the way of the older ones in the first place.

I never understand why parents feel their younger ones should be included in everything the older ones do. Surely most adults have been social situations where if one person brings an extra it changes the group dynamic, and not usually in favour of the originals? It's no different for children.

Purpleroxy · 21/09/2014 11:59

She expressed herself rudely but actually the 9yo is in the right IMO. I do keep my youngest separate from my eldest's sleepovers. Ie make it clear to her in advance that she cannot be in the room the sleepover is happening in. 9yos want to chat with their friends, often about secrets. At this stage, a 5yo is not a welcome addition!

Your dd had an organised sleepover with 2 friends. It wasn't that you were looking after a friend's children (in which case, siblings should be included), your dd invited her friends to spend time with her.

ernesttheBavarian · 21/09/2014 12:10

Your younger dd will think she gets to be included in everything and possibly get precious about it. She also has to learn she can't get her own way and be involved in everything, and that her older dd is allowed to spend time alone with her friends. Your older dd needs to know you will support her right to time without little dd there and not feel forced to share (her playdates, friends etc)

I have 4 dc, youngest just turned 6. She would love to get involved and to a certain extent she can be, esp with ds2, whose friend likes dd, nut ds3 doesn't like her hanging around and I accept and repeat that and dd has to learn she can't be involved in everything.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 21/09/2014 12:23

Your ds was being annoying.

It changed the dynamic of the friendship group and at least one person was upset.

If you allow your dd to invite friends, I'd hope she gets to choose.

CheckpointCharlie · 21/09/2014 12:30

I think that's really mean.

My little dd often sits with my big dd and her friends when they come over. I would have said, similar to above 'everyone can watch the film together thank you' and then would have whisked the small one away after the film.

I expect my big dd to let the little one hang out with her friends for at least a little while.

MrsWinnibago · 21/09/2014 12:40

I have a ten year old DD and a 6 year old DD. I NEVER foist the little one on DD and her friends. Why the heck should they have their time curtailed by a small, annoying person? They're not babysitters. YABU.

MrsWinnibago · 21/09/2014 12:41

Charlie why do you? Don't they need to learn to make their own friends? Doesn't your DD deserve some choice? And some privacy? If she's happy of course and her friend is happy then maybe that's fine. but there comes a point when it's unfair.

PumpkinsMummy · 21/09/2014 12:53

Does the friend have a younger sibling herself? This just sounds like a normal way of speaking to an annoying younger sibling to me. I encouraged my friends to be as rude to my little brother as possible when we wanted to get rid of him, as he saw it as a badge of honour to irritate us as much as possible.

As your DD is only 5 and if she just wanted to be near not annoying I would have made sure she could do some joining in such as being involved in film watching but then occupied so the older girls could get on with their sleep over.

Jill2015 · 21/09/2014 13:04

A friend of mine with slightly older children than yours, gets a dvd for the younger one to watch with the mum and dad, when the older one has friends for a sleepover, and that way, everyone is happy.
I wouldn't write off the child you overheard, being invited again. I'd try to keep the five year old occupied elsewhere, to give the older one some space. If the friend is overstepping the mark, I would say something to her about treating small ones nicely.
I'd suggest having some other way to occupy the five year old, say, watching a dvd with you, and some snacks or something. I think it's good for kids to understand that siblings need time with their friends sometimes, without a small one being around.

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