Am I being unreasonable to post my friend's photo on Facebook?

[Adventuress1]

My friend was my boyfriend 25 years ago and we have remained friends ever since. I have never wanted to rekindle any sexual relationship. Since then he has been married and brought up 2 kids and is now living with a partner, though the relationship is over as far as he's concerned but they're buying the house together, so it's difficult to part. Meanwhile, he met someone in August who he thinks is the 'most wonderful woman ever' and they intend to get married. I see him once or twice a year - we live quite a distance away from each other. I was never allowed near either his marital home nor the current home. When I saw him I had to camp a mile from town while he would pretend to his partner that he was off on a job all day. I've met him twice in a town halfway between us. Last time was a couple of weeks ago. He'd had plenty of opportunity to tell his new girlfriend that he was meeting me, but chickened out. When I told him to tell her that evening where he'd been that day, he said he couldn't because he was scared he would lose her. (He had in fact altered the day we met in case she wanted to see him the following day, but she saw a male friend instead). I took a photo of him in a restaurant we ate in, and said I was going to post it on Facebook, which I did. He was worried about that, even though the new woman doesn't do Facebook. But I was absolutely fed up with the deception he'd been practising concerning me: the other women knew I was his ex, and had been his friend ever since, and they knew he wrote to me and texted me regularly. But phone calls and meeting were not allowed. (He usually sat in a car park at night to phone me). I decided this time I wasn't going to go along with this nonsense, so posted his picture on Facebook. Since then he has de-activated his Facebook account, though he denies that this is why he's done it.

I have been a good friend to him for years through thick and thin. But lately his behaviour and his dithering has been completely exasperating and I think when I posted the picture I'd just about had enough of listening to him going on and on about his 'problems' while doing nothing to solve them.

He started buying the house with his partner 7 years ago. It is not easy or quick to sort these things out if both partners want to hang on to the house. Unfortunately, although he thinks their relationship is over, she clearly does not and is very upset by it all. I advised him to be more honest with her, and tell him about his new woman, but he won't, which only winds her up more because she wants to know what's going on.

you find him so repulsive you don't even like him giving you a peck on the cheek in greeting, as old friends do? yet you go along with all this secrecy because you want to see him so much?

Nah, I don't get it.

Of course a man and a woman can be friends. However, a woman shouldn't be friends with a man who lies to his partner(s) about seeing them. And they definitely shouldn't be friends with someone they find 'repulsive', and who appears to be a complete twat.

What exactly are you getting out of this friendship? He's lying about your existence, you dislike him, he's obviously not a very nice person, and you're both playing stupid immature games.

Actually, I think you should marry him.

Sorry but if you don't like the deception then you should probably not meet him. Rather than make your point in fb.

Yes, I've been feeling for a long while that I am over-identifying with him and his life, and that he's taking advantage of that to have someone who will listen and sympathise. I've been ill for 8 months but he doesn't show much interest in that. I was in a terrible relationship last year, but I couldn't talk to him about that, and when I saw him, he just talked all day about how awful his partner was, and I never got the chance to offload about how much I'd been hurt in that relationship. I've always thought of him as my best friend, but he's not really much of a friend at all, is he? I suppose me having low self-esteem and possibly being what somebody called a fruitloop (?) myself doesn't help matters.

" although he thinks their relationship is over, she clearly does not "
I can't help thinking that he is not communicating very well then! And that perhaps he enjoys believing he has 3 separate women after him.

I'm not a touchy-feely person; I just don't really like physical contact. Why on earth should I marry him? I like him - he's a very nice, likeable person. I just don't like the idea of physical contact with him. I just don't get that because I'm female and he's male there should necessarily be any sexual spark between us. Still if total strangers refuse to believe me, how can I expect his partners to?

JellyMould, I'm not after him. I think I have had ample proof in this forum of why he is so scared of telling his partners he's met up with me.

I'm sorry - I was being flippant and bitchy, and I shouldn't have been. I do sympathise that you've invested a lot of time into this friendship, and he's obviously a charmer. I think you should back off a bit, and maybe look for some new friends. Don't play games with him. Good luck.

It takes 7 years to buy a house when because they both want to hang on to the house? How can anyone hang on to a house they havent finished purchasing? That doesnt even make the least bit of sense, and sounds like some sort of deception he has been feeding you, for 7 years.

You would be well out of it if you never spoke with him again.

You were 'never allowed' near his home? That's not a friend, is it? Even if you don't have feelings for him, clearly he sees you as some kind of sexual threat, because honestly, that's not normal. Most ordinary people are either on decent terms with ex-girlfriends, or they cut contact. Keeping in contact, but not letting you in his home, after twenty five years?!

That's bloody odd.

Adventuress - I do think it is perfectly possible for a man and a woman to be just good friends.

But is it possible to carry on being friends with someone you know is lying to the woman he is currently living with, and the woman he wants to marry?

I don't think you are happy to be part of that deception, but I don't think this makes it right for you to try to force him to be honest by posting the picture on Facebook. I think you need to say to him that, unless he is being honest with everyone, you won't meet with him or have any further contact with him, be it on FB, other social media or by phone or text.

I don't think any of the posters have suggested that men and women can't be friends . But this whole situation is bizarre. You camp a mile away from his house and meet secretly halfway between your towns, just so you can meet up. How can you be friends with somebody you find physically repulsive? I always hug my close friends when I see them. Do you ever hug or kiss any of your female friends?

And you're 61? Good grief, I think I gave up on this ridiculously immature behaviour when I was in my mid-30s.

Surely, if you have been unable to go to a friend's home for a quarter of a century, you are hardly the best person to judge what constitutes a healthy male-female friendship?!

MyDogeatsballoons, thanks for the apology. It seems that many people shoot from the hip on this site, and don't care how much their posts hurt others. MsVestibule, no I prefer not to kiss or hug female friends. I'm very old-fashioned in that way. Which bit exactly of my behaviour is ridiculously immature? Posting the photo on Facebook? I have taken it down now and told him so that he can reactivate his account. But I feel that many of you are right when you say I should back off and find new friends. It's a pretty crummy friendship when your friend pretends he hasn't seen you. By the way, I love camping, and really looked forward to staying at the campsite and spending the day with him. I was going to say he is a marvellous companion, but when I come to think about it all he ever talked about was how awful his partner was.

"But is it possible to carry on being friends with someone you know is lying to the woman he is currently living with, and the woman he wants to marry?

I don't think you are happy to be part of that deception, but I don't think this makes it right for you to try to force him to be honest by posting the picture on Facebook. I think you need to say to him that, unless he is being honest with everyone, you won't meet with him or have any further contact with him, be it on FB, other social media or by phone or text." Quite. You put it very well.

if You have to lie about it you are doing something wrong simple as that really.

men and women can be friends but this whole situation is bizarre. if I was dating a guy that had a female friend and said hey im going for coffee with Susan, that's no problem. if I'm dating a guy and there is no mention of a female friend and I later find out some woman was camping a mile away just to see him and he was sitting in car parks to secretly ring her I can guarantee i would have a problem with it and assume an affair was going on. can you not see that?

Momagain1, it looks as if I didn't make myself clear. He and his partner took out a mortgage on the house 7 years ago, which they are still paying off. Neither of them wants to give up the house, so neither of them is making much effort to leave, and meanwhile they are having blazing rows. I have been telling him for at least two years that there is this thing in the wall called a door, but he seems stricken with inertia.

JeannedeMontbaston, you are probably right, I am totally the wrong person to give advice on healthy relationships. It is very flattering when someone asks for your advice, and it is engrossing to give it (why else would any of you be on this forum now?). However, when it is never taken, you get pretty fed up with giving it. I suppose I'm just one of those sad people who need to feel needed in some way, not having much of a life of my own, (at least not now that I've been off sick for 8 months - I had a lovely job and very enjoyable life last year).

if I stop texting him, I will be very lonely. That must be why I've put up with it for all these years. Pathetic, eh? I think taking a stand by posting his picture on Facebook was my was of sticking up for myself at last; maybe I've felt this friendship has been rubbish for years, and seeing him lying to his girlfriend of one month just got me so mad I decided I'd had enough of it all.

How many years is it until his mortgage is paid off then?

mommy2ash, yes I can see that it looks like an affair. Doesn't mean it is one. If I was having an affair with someone, I think I'd want to meet them more than once or twice a year, and I'd want us to stay in a nice comfy hotel bedroom when we did!

But that's exactly the point I was trying to make to him: that if she ever did discover that he'd seen me and hadn't told her, it would look really bad, whereas if he'd been open and honest with her from the outset there would probably be no problem. I suppose threatening to, then putting his photo on Facebook was my misguided but exasperated way of trying to make him realise that you shouldn't deceive your future wife right from the very outset.

Fairenuff, I don't know. He's quite willing to buy her out, but she won't budge.

It's not pathetic, but it's not very healthy. But then, it does sound as if you're talking yourself round to stopping it, which sounds a good thing.

His private life sounds like a bit of a mess and he doesn't sound very honest but I don't think it's your place to get involved. If I didn't want to be involved in him deceiving any if his partners I'd just not meet up with him until he old grow up and be honest.

OK, calling you ridiculously immature was a bit harsh, I apologise. However, I do feel you are being a little disingenuous/obtuse when you say 'you see, judging by you MNers reaction to male/female relationships, he's right to keep our meetings a secret from his other women'.

I have no issue with somebody not hugging their friends (male or female), but would you describe yourself as 'repulsed' physically by your female friends? I'm just surprised that a mature woman would allow herself to be a man's 'dirty little secret' when there's clearly nothing sexual in it - from your perspective, at least.

Your 'friend's' behaviour is bizarre. How does it take 7 years to buy a house? If he was so charmed by his latest woman, he would be severing ties with his 'ex/current' girlfriend. He sounds like a complete drama queen who thrives on all the secrecy and lies. You deserve better from your friends, you really do.