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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH causing problems working from home

33 replies

TheMumsRush · 20/09/2014 10:31

My DH sometimes works from home. On these days I'm expected to keep ds 20m out his way. I go out with ds but came be out all the time and sometime can't go out at all. It's very disruptive, DH is in and out and it makes my job looking after him hard as he always goes into melt down when he sees DH (our flat isn't that big). He always says I just need to accept it as he needs to work and what can he do. Aubu to say to him that maybe he also needs to accept that he's going to get disrupted working from home? It causes so many rows and I need to know if I'm ok in saying this to him

OP posts:
Sunflowersareblue · 20/09/2014 10:33

Why can't he go out to the library or Starbucks? Does he just need a computer and phone? That is what my dh did when the kids were too loud.

AlleyCat11 · 20/09/2014 10:35

Does he work on a laptop? Can he go to a local cafe / library? It's a bit much asking a child to understand his need for peace & quiet...

Original poster
TheMumsRush · 20/09/2014 10:35

He does sometimes if he can but can't get all what he needs done.

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 20/09/2014 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vijac · 20/09/2014 10:39

He needs to stick in his working room except for at agreed times eg. A morning and afternoon break and a lunch break. It is disruptive if he keeps coming in and out.

JeanSeberg · 20/09/2014 10:39

Why can't he work in the office every day?

PolyesterBride · 20/09/2014 10:41

I have this situation too. It's very annoying! I tell DP that he has to keep his door closed. I also keep reminding the kids that daddy is working. (Mine are older than yours). But in general I just carry on as usual - if he wants to work from home then he can get a lock for the door or deal with interruptions. If I am cooking or whatever I can't also be upstairs checking that they're not disturbing him. I also don't go out all day - obviously I try to schedule outings for when DP is at home working but overall i take the view that he's in our living space rather than we're in his workspace.

Methe · 20/09/2014 10:41

My Dh works from home sometimes so he can do the school runs when I'm at work.

I hate it. The kids hate it. Dh hates it too but needs must.

Viviennemary · 20/09/2014 10:41

YANBU. It's an impossible situation. The only thing I can think of is could you set up a routine in that if he does work from home it's on a certain day of the week and you could possibly arrange to go to a toddler group for the morning and that would take care of around half the day. He is being totally unrealistic.

BOFster · 20/09/2014 10:41

Your DH may be at "work", but your son isn't. It's really not fair to expect a toddler to understand he is supposed to be seen but not heard.

I can't understand what your DH would be doing that he couldn't do at the library. Or his actual workplace, come to that. He is definitely being unreasonable. It sounds like your home isn't really practical for working in peace- most aren't, tbh, if you've got small children around, unless you are Uncle Quentin or someone with a study in a remote corner of the east wing.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 20/09/2014 10:42

Tbh id be saying "the office is your place of work and home is mine. i dont bring ds to your office so you could always work there?"

Original poster
TheMumsRush · 20/09/2014 10:45

He doesn't have an office, he's self employed and work is sporadic. I think I'll just say to him he needs to stay I'm our room. Ds isn't stupid though, he an hear him and he gets upset, it's not the noise ds makes that's the problem but the melt downs when he can't get to dad

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMumsRush · 20/09/2014 10:46

I did say to him how would he like it if I turned up on site and caused him agro, he did see my point kind of

OP posts:
pickles184 · 20/09/2014 10:46

What does he do when he is working from home?
Does he understand that you are also working and caring for his DS is just as important as whatever he is doing?
Perhaps he needs to have a designated 'work' place that is as much out of the way as your flat can manage and you can begin teaching DS that when Daddy is in his 'work' place then he isn't to be disturbed. Make sure that DH acknowledges him, but doesn't engage him, have a long list of more fun activities to entice him away with when Daddy is working. It is also really important that DH takes regular breaks during the day when he is available to DS when you are all at home. If he makes the most of those times, even if they are just several 5 min sessions then DS will be more likely to understand the difference between work and playtimes. At no point should he be being told off for being near DH or disrupting his work, at 20 months he just needs positive ways to divert his attention.

For what it is worth it sounds like DH has some pretty unreasonable expectations of what working from home is likely to entail when there is a toddler in the house. If he can't agree to help make it as easy as possible for you and DS when he is at home, then can he at least take himself off to a coffee shop etc.. instead and let you get on with your 'job' in peace?
It is possible for you both to make the most of the opportunity for some short and sweet family times in the breaks of the working day, but it all depends on attitude and compromise to make it work that way. From what you've said so far it sounds a little like DH wants you all to dance to his tune rather than looking at the families needs as a whole

BOFster · 20/09/2014 10:47

What is he actually doing though (sorry if I prying)? Surely he can do it somewhere else?

Iggly · 20/09/2014 10:49

I avoid working from home for this reason (our nanny looks after the kids) - because the DC understandably get upset. I stay out of their way.

Your DH is being an arse. He needs to get a routine perhaps where he joins you for lunch and gives ds some time then that's it. You also can get into a routine as well if possible?

Mintyy · 20/09/2014 10:52

That must be hard! I work from home and find it difficult enough to manage my time and everyone's expectations and my dc are 11 and 13!

JetsAndSugar · 20/09/2014 10:53

We had a nanny for a while when there were 2 toddlers in the house. During that time I worked from home a lot.

I had to sneak into the room I used as an office early in the morning, shut the door and not come out unless he children were elsewhere. They found it too confusing. It was pretty miserable, especially when bursting for a wee or wanting a cup of tea. Nanny took them out a lot but there's only so much time you can spend out. Besides, it would be expensive to be going to loads of toddler groups.

At home they were noisy a lot of the time. They were toddlers in their own home. Noisy games are right and proper in your own home.

Ultimately, the home is the home. If you choose to use it as an office, your needs are secondary and you have to suck it up.

Like everyone else said: library, coffee shop, locked in a room.

As soon as mine were old enough they went to the pre-school and we got a childminder to cover the times both DH and I were working. Mainly because it is near impossible to work from home when there are children of primary age or younger at home.

Itsfab · 20/09/2014 11:00

Breakfast together, you take DS out for a walk, DH goes to the working room and is quiet, you and DS come home, DS thinks daddy is out.

DH is a prick if he won't be quiet, keeps coming out of his room yet moans about not getting work done.

Original poster
TheMumsRush · 20/09/2014 11:06

Is when he's on the phone to customers or suppliers that ds hears him. Some good suggestions here, thanks ladies

OP posts:
gingercat2 · 20/09/2014 11:14

Sort of not the same, but I have to keep a six year old and a baby quiet for six hours a day while their dad sleeps after night shift, and it is really hard.

gingercat2 · 20/09/2014 11:16

Come to think of it, I work from home about 10 hours a week, and I just accept that it is hard, and interruptions are going to happen.

LadySybilLikesCake · 20/09/2014 11:19

There's places where you can rent an office space by the day/week/month, and it's a business expense so would be taken off his tax bill. It's very unreasonable that he expects a 20 month old to be quiet [facepalm]

LadySybilLikesCake · 20/09/2014 11:20

Oh, this place rents office space by the hour! liquidspace.com Look online for somewhere close to you and pack him off.

LadySybilLikesCake · 20/09/2014 11:23

Sorry, I think that one's in the USA. Try this one www.regus.co.uk/products/offices/day-offices.aspx