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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you buy the present?

50 replies

lbsjob87 · 20/09/2014 07:08

Friend (well, mate, really, part of larger group, not close friend) got married in April. In September she sent me a Save The Date text (!) but an actual invitation never materialised. I see her quite often as our kids go to the same school (but on different sites) so it wasn't a case of lost in the post or anything.
I wasn't bothered, assumed she'd got carried away with numbers etc.

Then, literally a week before the wedding, she sent me a public Facebook message saying "Sorry I forgot to invite you, feel free to come in the evening."
By this point, it was too late for OH to get the night off, I would have needed a babysitter plus cabs for the 20-mile round trip, I was 8 months pg and frankly couldn't be arsed.

So I said:"Will do my best, can't promise, but will get you a lovely present either way." Why I said that, I don't know, but anyway.....

Then I ended up with a chest infection I couldn't take anything for which laid me low for weeks, then my baby arrived 2 weeks early, and to be honest I forgot to get her poxy present.

Scroll forward to y'day when I saw my cousin, who is close friends with the bride. She said: "Oh, I've been meaning to ask, what was the present you bought J & L for their wedding? Only I saw her yesterday and she mentioned it never arrived, and she was going to chase it up."

WTAF?? Is that on? Was I U for not going to her poxy wedding, and should I get the present and give her it for Christmas or something, or just not bother?

It's not something expensive (about £20) but is personal to them, and not wedding related. And a bloody good idea for a present. So part of me wants to get her it, but another part thinks "Who in their right mind thinks it's OK to "chase up" a wedding present?"

OP posts:
Delphiniumsblue · 20/09/2014 07:13

I think that all she meant was that she must see what happened as it may be lost in transit since you said you were getting one. I doubt if she is bothered. Just leave it- you could give her some flowers or a plant next time you see her.

LadyLuck10 · 20/09/2014 07:14

Yanbu, it seems as though she kept you as a last option invite. Did she really expect you to pitch up with a weeks notice? I wouldn't bother getting her something after being so cheeky and grabby to want to 'chase' it up.

MothershipG · 20/09/2014 07:19

Don't bother and if she has the front to mention it just say "goodness, I can't remember, but wasnt you wedding around the time I had a chest infection I couldn't take anything for which laid me low for weeks, then my baby arrived 2 weeks early, it's all such a blur." Then change the subject. Grin

Paddingtonthebear · 20/09/2014 07:20

Nope I wouldn't buy the present. It doesn't seem like she was that fussed about having you at the wedding. If she actually has the gall to "chase up" her wedding present I would probably laugh at her grabbiness. Hmm

Coughle · 20/09/2014 07:20

You were U to say you would get her a gift - you should have been honest and said you couldn't make it due to the late notice and the other things you mentioned.

However, it's NEVER OK to chase up a gift.

Give it if you want to, but not if you will feel annoyed or regretful. If she mentions it just give her a blank look.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/09/2014 07:21

Congratulations on your baby.

maybe she didn't want it to have been lost in the post?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/09/2014 07:22

Yy mothership

Original poster
lbsjob87 · 20/09/2014 07:24

To be fair, Coughle I DID have every intention of getting it and I did look into the logistics of going but they were a lot of hassle for a last minute invite. I just never got around to it due to other things happening.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 20/09/2014 07:26

I wouldn't worry about it. She seems a bit cheeky to me - forgetting to invite you and then inviting you to the evening thing at the last minute and then chasing up a gift?!! That's a bit rude for me. I'd just shrug it off.

SanityClause · 20/09/2014 07:32

If you hadn't said you would give her a present, I would say that you shouldn't worry about it, but you said you would, so I think you should.

It is rude of her to invite you at the last minute, like that, and to chase the present.

But, I think taking the moral high ground is always a good thing to do.

LEMmingaround · 20/09/2014 07:34

Has her present for your new baby got lost in the post?? Will you chase it up.

Errr no, i absolutely wouldn't be sending her a present. No fucking way. You do realise she was probably slagging you off and saying you didn't send a present despite saying you would.

Well she didn't invite you. Despite saying she would.

Fuck that

KatieKaye · 20/09/2014 07:35

Wow!
She admitted she didn't invite you, casually mentioned coming to the evening reception but didn't bother sending an invite?
I can totally see why you said something about the present when given this news as it's an awkward situation and you're thinking of something to say.
You do not owe her anything. She is greedy and grabby and incredibly rude.
Even the guests attending a wedding not do have to give a present. There is no price of admission. You weren't invited to the main do and only asked to the evening do at the last minute. Sounds like she did not want your presence, only your presents.
Do not get her anything. I can't believe she actually got a friend to mention it.
She is most definitely not your friend. She doesn't think of you as anything other than a possible source of a present.

rainbowfeet · 20/09/2014 07:39

Gosh no I wouldn't buy her the present.. Some people are so rude & grabby!!!

If you were my friend I'd be far more concerned that you were poorly at the time & that your baby was early!!

SquirrelWearingATrilby · 20/09/2014 07:41

If she chases the present I would say sorry I forgot ha ha what with being ill and then giving birth early! Sounds like she was using you to make up numbers last minute when you had obviously more pressing matters on your mind anyway!

Chasing a present is wrong.

FamiliesShareGerms · 20/09/2014 07:43

Maybe I'm too much of a people pleaser, but I would get the present and send it with a lovely card saying that you have been busy with the new baby and getting well yourself, hope they had a lovely day and here's a belated present. NB not a grovelling apology for it being late,

Then sit back in the knowledge that if you don't ever have anything more to do with her you have the moral high ground

Nanny0gg · 20/09/2014 08:40

I think the only reason she is 'chasing' the present is because you told her you were going to get one.
So it's not unreasonable to wonder what's happened to it really.

Whether you bother or not is entirely up to you - if you don't mind offending her and won't really see her again then don't bother.

But I really don't think she's being grabby or entitled.
You offered.

WooWooOwl · 20/09/2014 08:45

She's probably told a mutual friend about it so that she doesn't have to say anything herself, which could be even more awkward. There wouldn't be a need for her to think about it if you hadn't said you were going to get her something, and as it sounds like you told her you wanted to get her something specific, she probably wants to be able to thank you for it and make sure it hasn't gone missing.

She isn't to know that you didn't get time or whatever. But she has been very rude to send you a save the date and then not even properly invite you to the evening event, so there's a problem on both sides really.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/09/2014 08:48

Her present is in the same place as your invite - I'd not spend another second worrying about it. If she asks again, simply say you were going to get a present then were ill and had a baby so it slipped your mind, as you hadn't actually been invited it wasn't exactly a priority in your life.

rainbowinmyroom · 20/09/2014 08:49

Very silly to promise a present. But just tell the truth! 'I got really ill, the baby came early and I never got round to buying anything.' And then leave it.

wannabestressfree · 20/09/2014 08:52

Sorry I disagree nanny. If it was a close friend then I would make the effort but as she forgot to actually send her an invite then I wouldn't be investing too much time in this.

I suppose it depends on how much of a friend you value her as nanny said though :)

SaucyJack · 20/09/2014 08:52

I wouldn't get a present now (and wouldn't have bothered then). Just tell the mutual friend that you never got round to it in the end in case bride friend was genuinely worried it had gone missing.

If she's put out by that then it's her fault for being a grabby bitch.

musicalendorphins2 · 20/09/2014 08:54

I would, only to keep my word. I would put a nite in with the card that said how x said this and z said that ect, and they you realized you never did send that gift! Then tell her about your flu and birth and say you are mortified, you forgot.

Then forget about her or accepting any more invitations from her.

musicalendorphins2 · 20/09/2014 08:55

^note ^then

CromerSutra · 20/09/2014 09:04

I wouldn't worry about it. The afterthought style of invitation you received suggests she does not see you as a good friend and that would make me feel as if I didn't need to get a present. It's a shame you said you'd get one but Nevermind, life got in the way and you didn't I am a bit aghast at someone "chasing up a present"! How rude!

gentlehoney · 20/09/2014 09:09

Get her a nice present. You said you would, so you must.