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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you buy the present?

50 replies

lbsjob87 · 20/09/2014 07:08

Friend (well, mate, really, part of larger group, not close friend) got married in April. In September she sent me a Save The Date text (!) but an actual invitation never materialised. I see her quite often as our kids go to the same school (but on different sites) so it wasn't a case of lost in the post or anything.
I wasn't bothered, assumed she'd got carried away with numbers etc.

Then, literally a week before the wedding, she sent me a public Facebook message saying "Sorry I forgot to invite you, feel free to come in the evening."
By this point, it was too late for OH to get the night off, I would have needed a babysitter plus cabs for the 20-mile round trip, I was 8 months pg and frankly couldn't be arsed.

So I said:"Will do my best, can't promise, but will get you a lovely present either way." Why I said that, I don't know, but anyway.....

Then I ended up with a chest infection I couldn't take anything for which laid me low for weeks, then my baby arrived 2 weeks early, and to be honest I forgot to get her poxy present.

Scroll forward to y'day when I saw my cousin, who is close friends with the bride. She said: "Oh, I've been meaning to ask, what was the present you bought J & L for their wedding? Only I saw her yesterday and she mentioned it never arrived, and she was going to chase it up."

WTAF?? Is that on? Was I U for not going to her poxy wedding, and should I get the present and give her it for Christmas or something, or just not bother?

It's not something expensive (about £20) but is personal to them, and not wedding related. And a bloody good idea for a present. So part of me wants to get her it, but another part thinks "Who in their right mind thinks it's OK to "chase up" a wedding present?"

OP posts:

PenisesAreNotPink · 20/09/2014 09:09

What music said - you're either someone who keeps your word or your not.

And the moral of the story is - don't promise things to people who deserve them

diaimchlo · 20/09/2014 09:15

I would definitely not be sending a present whether I had already bought it or not tbh. How rude of her to even mention it to a 3rd party!!!! she could have inboxed you on FB if she was worried that it had got lost in transit.

IMO she is being very grabby.

pictish · 20/09/2014 09:22

Honestly I think she's thinking of it because you said it.
Doubt she'd be looking for one otherwise...why would she?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/09/2014 09:23

Actually, i would get the gift.
Because that is what you offered.
You say you regretted offering soon after saying it. So maybe that is clouding your view?

SuburbanRhonda · 20/09/2014 09:26

But amanda, the bride also promised something - an invite (at least that's what I assume a "save the date" notification is) - and that never materialised either.

So they're quits.

pictish · 20/09/2014 09:29

SuburbanRhona - how true.

I say quits too.

r2d2ismyidealman · 20/09/2014 09:30

Which will make you feel better or least angsty? Which decision will allow you to leave it?

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 20/09/2014 09:34

I would check if someone said they were giving me a present, but only because I would be writing a thank you note for it and would be worried it had been sent but not arrived with me.

It's not right that she extended such a half hearted invitation though, or didn't bother about your baby, or you being ill. How much of a friend is she really?

smokeandglitter · 20/09/2014 09:38

IMO if you said you'd get her a gift then buy her a gift and say why it's late. Yes, it's awkward she didn't invite you but tbh weddings are stressful as well and perhaps it was an honest mistake. If you were intending to buy it and said you were going to then I don't see what's changed, things got in the way, you've remembered now though so do what you said you would. Chasing up was probably just the wrong terminology - my dh gives the wrong impression all the time by saying things a bit wrong, they probably mean check you didn't send something and it never arrived as if you'd spent a bit on it then you might want to be aware.

Probably in the minority here.

PorkPieandPickle · 20/09/2014 09:42

Just bear in mind that you don't know what was said, you've heard that she was going to 'chase it up' through your cousin, the actual conversation might have been more along the lines of
Cousin - what did lbsjob get you?
Bride- oh nothing
Cousin - didn't she say she was getting you something nice?
Bride - but she has just had a baby
Cousin - that's really rude
Bride - hmmmmm

... Or maybe I'm just projecting how the conversation would go if it was MY rude cousin!!!

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/09/2014 09:45

If I was your friend and you said you'd get me a present I would possibly ask about it. Not because I expect one but because I would want to check it hadn't got lost in the post or whatever or taken from the wedding. That's the only reason I'd ask.

However tbh after everything you have been through I'd have told you off for wasting your time and energy getting me a stupid present when you have been so ill and should be at home recovering from. Illness and having your baby. I wouldn't give a crap about a present.

Don't bother getting one. Asking to ensure it wasn't lost In the post. Fine. Chasing it up is just rude

Rascalls3 · 20/09/2014 09:47

Unless she has made a gesture regarding your new baby ie card, flowers, gift etc I am sorry but I just wouldn't bother. If she says anything I would just say that the 'invite' was so last minute and your health and new baby took priority. Congratulations by the way!

Coughle · 20/09/2014 09:48

Sorry, I didn't mean you were being deliberately dishonest when you said you'd get a gift.

This is one of those situations that's very hard to judge without knowing the person. Tell us what you decide!

Original poster

lbsjob87 · 20/09/2014 10:08

PorkPie D'ya know, you might not be far off on that one.....!

I THINK I am going to get the present and then draw a line under it. Then I know I've done my bit.

I didn't get a card when the baby arrived - she did say congratulations to my OH when she saw him at school, but that's to be expected, isn't it?

OP posts:

poolomoomon · 20/09/2014 10:35

She forgot to invite you easily enough, you forgot to get her the present you said you would get. You're even, leave it there. Don't buy the present.

poolomoomon · 20/09/2014 10:35

She forgot to invite you easily enough, you forgot to get her the present you said you would get. You're even, leave it there. Don't buy the present.

espressotogo · 20/09/2014 10:47

I wouldn't buy it on principle - how rude to 'chase up' a gift - cheeky cow

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/09/2014 10:52

I am guessing she doesnt have children.
Not that this excuses her not sending you at least a card after you had your baby.
In your position i don't think you have to get her anything. I can understand you being miffed as she has not troubled herself regarding your own news. And her late invite was thoughtless given your need for a sitter. But in a way, as you had said you would get a gift it might just complete the whole thing if you do.

worstmistakeever · 20/09/2014 11:03

Imagine you had sent the gift & she never sent a thank you? How rude would some folk think her, then? She can't win whether she chases or ignores, can she?

Either explain the story to your cousin & why you think the moment has passed so no gift will be forthcoming but you still wish them all the best, OR

Hand deliver a £10 gift voucher & a nice card. Which saves face on both sides.

KatieKaye · 20/09/2014 13:38

She does have children, that is how the OP met her according to the first post. So she has no excuse of not knowing the joy of a new baby or difficulties re childcare.

formerbabe · 20/09/2014 14:09

You shouldn't have offered to get her a present even if you didn't go to the wedding. Don't get her one...she couldn't be bothered to invite you properly so shouldn't expect anything. How rude of her to tell a third party that it never arrived!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 20/09/2014 16:53

Rtft amanda

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/09/2014 18:23

I THINK I am going to get the present and then draw a line under it. Then I know I've done my bit.

What bit?

You weren't invited to the wedding, just an afterthought. Why are you even worrying about it? You haven't got a bit to do...

hackmum · 20/09/2014 18:35

I would get the present either because I am a people pleaser or I enjoy having the moral high ground - or a bit of both, I'm not sure.

Morally, though, I don't think you should feel obliged to. She doesn't sound very nice, so I think you could still have a clear conscience if you didn't do it.

Iconfuseus · 20/09/2014 20:09

I think she messed you around with the invite situation.

However I do think you've put her on the spot a bit with the gift.

You mentioned that you were going to get her a present of your own free will.

I imagine that she was probably writing thank you notes or at least preparing too when she realised she had not received a gift from you, which she was expecting after your comment. It is perfectly plausible that she believed that the gift might have got lost.

Her hands were tied really. She couldn't just let it go and not send you a thank you note - because that would have been very rude if the gift had indeed got lost. On the other hand she couldn't send you a generic thank you note because that would have been strange if in fact you hadn't sent a gift.

I would just come clean if I was you.

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