...to not turn up my collar?

[ladylily29]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Please be gentle, as I am a sensitive soul (which makes me think maybe IABU).

I got some suits delivered last night. Both my husband and I got home late, and I tried them on to show him. He made appropriate noises to them, and then told me to turn my collar up on one and do a pose for him.

I didn't want to do that, as I'm not a poser and quite shy. To which he said "fuck your collar and fuck your suit then" and refused to speak to me all night.

This morning I got up and when I came out of the shower he grabbed me, pulled me close and asked me what was wrong with me. I said, "You mean what's wrong with you? It's not acceptable to swear at people for something as stupid as not turning up a collar," - this was said very calmly.

He said, "What's wrong with you? You don't refuse to do something as stupid as that for someone else," and stormed off and wouldn't say goodbye.

He's now texted to say he's stopping at his male friend's house as the friend has just got out of hospital tonight. I don't expect him back before I go to bed.

AIBU? Really? It's not the first time he's taken the opportunity to blow up at me for something this small.

He pins you down and hits you when you do "something he doesn't like?" Good grief. Don't confront him, get away and stay away from this dangerous freak as soon as you can and as safely as you can.
Oh and btw don't think that you have "invested" 7 years and can't "throw it away", or that because you got married last year that you're deeper in and can't get out or whatever. Look on it as a lucky escape. Abusive people don't stop being abusive - there are lots of reports now of older women being abused; women in their 70s and 80s who have been abused all their married lives and it only ends when the brute dies of old age.The onus is not on you to find the right words to defuse him/stand up to him/fix him. He's a nasty piece of work and will not change no matter what you do or say.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG WITH HIM. You can't fix this - get out with your mental and physical health intact.
Just be very careful afterwards as I wouldn't be surprised if he goes nuclear once he has lost control of you. Make sure he doesn't know where you are (I'm sure there are lots of sources of info on how to get help) and don't reply to the inevitable pleading raging texts and voicemails - keep them as evidence.

He is abusive. Don't have kids with him. You need to get out of this relationship.

OP, there is not one person that will say there is something wrong with you here, or that you were unreasonable.

Why? Because you weren't. So take that as a given.

He's pushing the boundaries and will continue doing this until he either hits you or rapes you. He is aggressive and has no respect for you. Dump.

Pinning someone down and spanking them when it's not consensual is assault. Pure and simple.

A bit of role play can be fun - but that's the whole point, it's consensual between both people.

This is about sex and power.

Please think very hard about what you want to do.

This is about sex and power.

This, a million times.

He is a cruel bully, OP, and your reaction is completely normal. It is not you, it's him, I promise.

Please get some help. Your husband can't be allowed to go on treating you like this.

YANBU. At all.

I disagree that it was about sex - it's about control.
He kicked off because you did not do as you were told and now you are being 'punished' for not having done as you were told.

Sadly, his behaviour is likely to escalate over time.
Do not have children with him.

Seek counselling, on your own, to clarify where you want to go with this.

As previous posters have said- it looks bad because it IS bad. He's violent towards you and uses sexual bullying. It's not a sign of him being attracted to you, it's a sign of him showing you that he controls you, he is not willing to stop hurting you, and he is threatening you with what he's capable of doing if you don't do as you're told.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not being over-sensitive. This is not acceptable in any relationship.

Please look carefully at your options. And don't have children with this man, because abuse like this often escalates when the woman is pregnant or has recently given birth, and hence at her most vulnerable.

Does he kick off like this towards the end of the week? Blank you for the weekend then make it up to you at the begining of the week before starting all over again?

Think hard about this. If there's a pattern emerging, run.

Just read the rest of the thread - Run, run now. Don't stay, there's nothing to stay for.

He's sounds like a controlling bastard.

Has he always treated you like this? Tbh I'd be thinking long and hard about my future with him if I were you.

If you were at the beginning of a relationship - say, the third or fourth date - and this happened, what would you do?

He sounds very cold and uncaring. Yes it could be sexual too. But from what you have said he sounds emotionally abusive,and at times physical too. I would start getting my things straight and leaving him.