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AIBU?

...to not turn up my collar?

65 replies

ladylily29 · 19/09/2014 18:24

Long time lurker, first time poster. Please be gentle, as I am a sensitive soul (which makes me think maybe IABU).

I got some suits delivered last night. Both my husband and I got home late, and I tried them on to show him. He made appropriate noises to them, and then told me to turn my collar up on one and do a pose for him.

I didn't want to do that, as I'm not a poser and quite shy. To which he said "fuck your collar and fuck your suit then" and refused to speak to me all night.

This morning I got up and when I came out of the shower he grabbed me, pulled me close and asked me what was wrong with me. I said, "You mean what's wrong with you? It's not acceptable to swear at people for something as stupid as not turning up a collar," - this was said very calmly.

He said, "What's wrong with you? You don't refuse to do something as stupid as that for someone else," and stormed off and wouldn't say goodbye.

He's now texted to say he's stopping at his male friend's house as the friend has just got out of hospital tonight. I don't expect him back before I go to bed.

AIBU? Really? It's not the first time he's taken the opportunity to blow up at me for something this small.

OP posts:

Report

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/09/2014 19:56

Definetly nothing wrong with how you acted/reacted.

I worry that this man is actually dangerous though. Has he ever been physically agressive towards you?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/09/2014 20:04

Nothing wrong with you OP, a lot wrong with his behaviour. It sounds worrying.

grannymcphee · 19/09/2014 20:25

He is a spoilt little brat!! Tell the child to grow up.

quietbatperson · 19/09/2014 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladylily29 · 19/09/2014 20:43

Mmm, he will probably turn nice if I go initiate sex. that usually works. Or if I go apologise he'll tell me off and be okay in a couple of days.

Yes, he occasionally pins me down or smacks my bum if I've done something he doesn't like. Not extremely hard, but enough to be uncomfortable. I told him I don't like t but he says that it's a sign of him being attracted to me.

OP posts:

combust22 · 19/09/2014 20:47

"he will probably turn nice if I go initiate sex. that usually works. Or if I go apologise he'll tell me off and be okay in a couple of days."

Tell me you are not serious- please

You are living with a man who treats you like this?

Head for the hills while you can.

quietbatperson · 19/09/2014 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/09/2014 20:53

Wtaf!?

ladylily29 · 19/09/2014 20:59

It sounds really bad written down, doesn't it...

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/09/2014 21:02

Sometimes seeing these things in black and white make them stand out more. I hope this thread has been illuminating for you OP and you can begin to see how wrong his attitude toward you is.

Jennco · 19/09/2014 21:03

You have been with him for 7 years and are still shy? I don't think you should be shy around him, you should trust him not to judge you, and I can honestly see why you don't. He sounds like a manipulative arsehole :(

I dont think you have a great relationship, unless this is a one off?

combust22 · 19/09/2014 21:06

"You have been with him for 7 years and are still shy?" Jennco- that is a side issue. Not everyone is body confident and that's fine.

I do agree this guy sounds like a manipulative arsehole however.

ocelot41 · 19/09/2014 21:06

Weird and scary. Sorry OP

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 19/09/2014 21:09

That last post gave me the shudders

I'm sorry he's being a prick OP.

StripyBanana · 19/09/2014 21:13

I think non-consensual hard bum spanking is really not on :(

Bulbasaur · 19/09/2014 21:19

Mmm, he will probably turn nice if I go initiate sex. that usually works. Or if I go apologise he'll tell me off and be okay in a couple of days.

Intimidating someone into sex is called rape.

You might want to really think about why you're with this man. He obviously doesn't value you.

Penguinator · 19/09/2014 21:33

I feel extremely worried reading this, OP - he sounds abusive, controlling and dangerous. A good partner should make you feel safe at all times, and he is clearly doing the opposite. I don't say this lightly but I think you need to think seriously about leaving him. Is there a supportive friend/family member you could turn to? Please take care

YouTheCat · 19/09/2014 21:38

Don't apologise - you did nothing wrong.

Don't have sex with him - because he's a dickhead.

And if he pins you down and smacks you, kick him in the cock and see how he likes being humiliated.

He's an utter knobend.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/09/2014 21:41

He's using sex and violence (the smacks and pinches are violence) to control you.

He's abusive. You don't have kids together. You need to get out of this relationship.

The sooner the better.

ocelot41 · 19/09/2014 21:43

Sorry, mumsnetting on the run earlier so missed the nonconsensual smacking bit. That's just hitting someone. It doesn't matter if its done to really hurt someone physically or to humiliate them into behaving. Its definitely abusive. No its ands or buts. So, what Penguinator said OP. What a miserable situation

AlpacaPicnic · 19/09/2014 21:57

Sweetheart, this does not sound like a healthy relationship. He hits you and makes light of it. He flies into a rage because you won't turn up your collar?

It all sounds very worrying to me.

Do you have somewhere you can stay if you want to go? Can you keep your passport and bank cards somewhere out of the house, at work maybe?

Castlemilk · 19/09/2014 22:04

Um, that sounds bad written down because it IS bad.

You're with a nasty abuser, who sounds like he's just getting going on you, now that you've got the ring on your finger.

Everything you've said about him is utterly unacceptable.

And the worst bit?

'Just starting to think there must be something wrong with me...'

There isn't.

You have no children. Married only a year. Rethink this. Really. This is NOT a good man, not a keeper.

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PersonOfInterest · 19/09/2014 22:08

What could you apologise to him for?

He hits you how long has that been going on for?

Bigoldsupermoon · 19/09/2014 22:11

OP, I'd suggest getting this thread moved to Relationships - what you're describing sounds like abuse: physical, emotional and possibly sexual from what you're saying. YADDDDDNBU, and your husband's behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable.

noddingoff · 19/09/2014 22:28

Stropping over little things sometimes> a bit of a pain in the arse but liveable with;
blowing up and swearing at you, physically pulling you while he demands that you do not refuse his little whims, gaslighting "What's wrong with you?" when what's wrong - in the head- is him -> definitely not normal, not OK.
If he doesn't turn out to have a good excuse for this behaviour (brain tumour is the only good excuse I can think of) then I would get the hell out of this relationship before it gets worse eg children and therefore you being more vulnerable to entitled, controlling behaviour on his part.
Even if he's all lovely and great when he's getting his own way.

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