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Original poster

To consider separating for these reasons, or do I need to get a grip?

29 replies

LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 19/09/2014 13:28

I know I should probably post in relationships, but I want some honest, brutal answers Grin

I will try and keep this as short as I can!

Main thing is the moods and sulking. He is very confident and happy around other people, at work etc, everyone thinks he is the life and soul of the party. But he uses all his energy and enthusiasm and we get the tired, impatient, snappy person.

He sulks very easily, and if he has a problem with something he sulks, and is moody and denies anything is wrong (I say to him if you don't discuss and communicate we can't move forward). I am willing to compromise on things, but I can't if I don't know what the issue is!

He also has a great social life, and is a member of a particular men's club, which I really don't like the principle of, but wouldn't stop him going. He never discusses going out, joining things etc, and I don't want him to ask permission (I have told him I would never stop him doing anything) I would just like a discussion.

He doesn't do things he isn't interested in, ie me and the kids have a hobby we enjoy, and it's something you can do everywhere, and is something you could do if say you were visiting a town, doing a forest walk, lots of different places, doesn't take long. He stands there huffing and puffing and looking bored, yet in museums etc he likes to read everything (fair enough) and I entertain the kids so he can.

It's so hard because everyone sees this happy, outgoing person, and it's hard to explain the other side of him.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but my main annoyances. I try to talk to him but it's very difficult as things are very black and white for him, and if my opinion is different he struggles to understand.

I know I am far from perfect, and I am having some counselling to work on my confidence and self esteem, but I feel so bogged down and unappreciated, and it's exhausting.

So if you haven't fallen asleep feel free to hand me a grip!

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 19/09/2014 13:31

You don't have to explain to anyone why you want to separate. It is enough that the relationship isn't good for you.

He sounds very selfish.

Good luck Flowers

WiseGuysHighRise · 19/09/2014 13:31

I can understand why you feel that way.

Does he realise, I mean really realise, how upsetting it is?

I don't think you would be unreasonable to have a serious conversation with him about it and how it makes you doubt the future of your marriage. Depending on how open he is to have the chat in the first place and what comes of it, you may have your answer.

Anomaly · 19/09/2014 13:37

He sounds very selfish. I expect if you split you might find your confidence and self esteem vastly increase. You don't have to justify splitting up your unhappiness is a good enough reason.

MrsHathaway · 19/09/2014 13:39

IME, when the little things annoy you that much, it's already over.

By the time I realised I needed to split up with my ex, the way he said my name was annoying. Just remembering it gives me the rage.

You don't have to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy! That said, I can't tell from your post if your children are mutual and that complicates matters.

VikingLady · 19/09/2014 14:01

He doesn't sound like your happiness is anywhere near the top of his priorities. So totally reasonable to leave.

jay55 · 19/09/2014 14:06

He sounds like he acts like he's single with no thought to his family. You might as well let him loose as he's taking up too much of your energy.

Original poster
LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 19/09/2014 14:25

Oops sorry forgot to say we have 2 children, and that's the main thing making me stay!

Thank you for your replies, I know if I am unhappy then that should be enough of a reason, but I suppose I am trying to justify it to myself as I feel guilty for the kids!

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 19/09/2014 14:30

I think you have to do what you have to do OP

But being in a relationship if you love the person is about sorting out stuff like this. So then if you are truly incompatible you can identify this and move on.
You need to be honest with him, talk to him and tell him what you don't like and ask him if he can suggest a way forward.
If your dc are the only reason you are there, it's time to call it a day.
They need a happy mum and you deserve happiness for yourself, life is too short.

Bothofyou · 19/09/2014 14:31

My dp and I separated two years ago, the kids and I moved out in Jan 13. After being very much apart for over a year we began very slowly rebuilding our relationship, and while we still don't live together we are committed and happy. I genuinely don't think we would have got here without what went first. It was bloody awful and I saw no way out, but he has changed so much, and I probably have too. For the eighteen or so months of total separation I had the kids 5days and him 2 nights.

Just my experience, and not for everyone I am sure. But you deserve to be happy, and he isn't making you feel that way, whether he can or not in the future is another story. Fwiw, my kids are 5 and 7 and happy as larry.

HeySoulSister · 19/09/2014 14:31

What? You mean guilty for the kids cos you are staying there with him?

Nancy66 · 19/09/2014 14:31

He sounds very selfish and immature.

I couldn't live with that.

Original poster
LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 19/09/2014 14:40

I feel guilty for considering leaving if you see what I mean, as I know it will affect the kids.

I would be prepared to separate and try and work at it, but I think he has always been the same and won't change, when I have tried to talk in the past, he just can't see where I am coming from. I am happy to compromise, but only when the other person will.

I don't think I do love him any more, and don't know if I ever will?

I also think his selfishness isn't fair on the kids, and they deserve better too.

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 19/09/2014 14:43

So if they deserve better your guilt is misplaced!

VodkaJelly · 19/09/2014 14:49

How do the kids feel about it? Do they notice?

It must be exhausting to live like that. It's like everyone else get the lovely fun guy and you get the miserable, knackered, short tempered asshole at home.

If he can be lovely to everyone else why cant he be like that at home? It seems like he cant be arsed to try to be the "fabulous" man that everyone else sees.

If it is making you miserable then its not a daft reason to leave. Your mental health and happiness have to start coming first.

Mitzimaybe · 19/09/2014 14:50

Does he do anything at all with / for the kids? Do you do anything at all just for you? What exactly does this "mens club" involve?

YANBU but be sure you have made absolutely clear to him how important this is to you, first. A lot of men are absolutely useless at taking hints and need everything spelling out in completely blunt, unmistakeable language. Can you plan it for the kids to go to their grandparents, say, while you have "the talk"?

Try "When you do ..., it makes me feel ... I don't want to continue indefinitely feeling like this, so what do you think we should do about it?"

See if he would rather change or separate. If you're already thinking about separating anyway, you've nothing to lose. Most likely he won't change, but in the (unlikely, but not impossible) event that he really doesn't see how you feel, this gives him the chance to do something about it.

Is your hobby geocaching/letterboxing by any chance? (Nosey)

SunshineAndShadows · 19/09/2014 14:55

I had a DP like this and it's awful. I just continually felt as if I wasn't 'good' enough or 'fun' enough. I remember we went to a friend's (mine) wedding overseas and he ended up in a 'bromance' with a bloke he'd never met before (one of the partners of another girl). They used to go out for day trips and sit in groups at the bar each night. I spent two weeks with all my friends telling me how amusing and charming he was when the reality was he barely spoke to me the whole holiday and I was gutted. When we came home he acted as if I was irrational for being upset he'd ditched me to hang out with a stranger (who incidentally he never bothered to keep in touch with despite them being suddenly such 'great mates') Hmm
It is exhausting, it makes you feel as if you aren't good enough to be nice to, and your happiness is not a priority. All good reasons to make him an Ex! Thanks

DaughterDilemma · 19/09/2014 14:58

I would love to try geocaching. Sounds like great fun. But do it with a nice person.

Bue · 19/09/2014 15:02

Is he a Freemason by any chance?

Original poster
LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 19/09/2014 15:04

To be honest I have no idea how the kids feel?

Yes it is geocaching Mitzi :) what is letter boxing?

The men's club is mainly regular meetings but it's the secrecy of it I don't like, he is also a member of another organisation for men, but that's not secretive and doesn't have funny handshakes Wink

And those of you who say about feeling not good enough are absolutely spot on!

I am hoping the counselling will help me believe in myself, and believe I can do this, and me and the kids deserve better, if they told me they were in a relationship like this, I would tell them it's not worth being so unhappy, so why can't I believe it for myself?

OP posts:
SunshineAndShadows · 19/09/2014 15:06

And if it helps I also like Geocaching - great fun! And now have a DP who thinks so too

cailindana · 19/09/2014 15:08

You seem to be focusing on how you will explain the separation to others. Others really don't care. They might be shocked and ask why but when it comes down to it they have their own lives to bother with and your reasons for separating are irrelevant to them. Worrying about people's opinions stops you from doing something difficult that you know is necessary. Putting the responsibility on your children - 'I'm staying because I feel guilty about the children' - is another way of avoiding doing what's necessary. Either you want to stay in the relationship or not, but no one else is responsible for that, so stop blaming them. It is entirely up to you.

Only1scoop · 19/09/2014 15:10

Yanbu....

He sounds v selfish and all that 'great guy' in company of others would piss me off a touch also.

WellnowImFucked · 19/09/2014 15:19

You say you're staying for the kids, but really what are they getting?

A Dad who can be bothered with them, who can be nice to 'outsiders' but they're not important enough? ? ?

And you? Are you not tired on being, well not even 2nd best by the sounds of it, don't you think you deserve more? Because you do. Even though I don't know you at all, I do know that the average person deserves to be treated with some respect.

You need to do what you feel is right for you and your children.

Best of luck. . .

Lottapianos · 19/09/2014 15:21

My dad was like this - happy clappy life and soul of the party outside of home, miserable emotionally abusive bugger at home. Everyone else got the best of him, we got the dregs of what was left over. It was pretty miserable and I still resent him for it and lots of other stuff

Do not put this on your children. What are you teaching them by staying in a relationship where you are unhappy and feeling ignored and unloved? There are no medals for martyrdom.

And of course you don't need to justify the separation to anyone else. If you are unhappy and you don't think there is a realistic chance of things getting better, then that is reason enough

Mitzimaybe · 19/09/2014 16:08

Letterboxing was the forerunner to geocaching, same thing really but without the GPS. Originated on Dartmoor iirc.

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