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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was dh?

38 replies

insanityscratching · 19/09/2014 12:37

Worried about putting this here but will accept the MN verdict.
Yesterday I had a letter come from my NC sibling with all the contact details asking me to get in touch. I am NC for a reason and wish to remain NC. FWIW I knew them anyway as they haven't changed since we were in contact 10 years ago Dh got the post and pressured me into opening, had I got the post I wouldn't have opened it. After opening I put it in the bin outside. Soon after on some pretence, dh goes to the bin and removes it and hides it as I discover when I went to the bin later.
I text dh telling him to tell me where the letter is and he refused on the basis he wanted it. His name wasn't on the letter and nor was he mentioned. I saw red and demanded he tell me or I'd empty his study and shed and find it myself. That did the trickWink and I retrieved the letter and burnt it.
Dh is in a strop on the grounds he wants my sibling's details for himself. I say if sibling had wanted him to have them they would have sent them to him and it is my choice as to what to do with my letter. I am refusing to tell him any details as I believe is my right particularly after how he has been carrying on since.
So AIBU or paranoid and deranged as dh has stated or is he being the arse as usual?

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 19/09/2014 12:39

It's your letter and your choir what to do with it, and he is unreasonable for editing what you decide to put in the bin. Why does he want your sibling's contact details?

picnicbasketcase · 19/09/2014 12:39

Choice, not choir. Bloody phone.

airforsharon · 19/09/2014 12:40

Did he say why he wanted to hold onto their details? Is he hoping to persuade you to meet up and sort things out?

ilovesooty · 19/09/2014 12:40

You're absolutely right. He's bang out of order for invading your boundaries and bring so insulting and disrespectful to you.

Original poster
insanityscratching · 19/09/2014 12:41

I have no idea really. Our marriage is very rocky, I'd guess if we split he'd side with my sibling against me.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 19/09/2014 12:42

No. He is out of order. He hasn't lived your life and had to make that decision. I'd be furious too and I am also NC with family members for damn good reason.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/09/2014 12:43

He is being "the arse as usual".

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 19/09/2014 12:46

I'd rock that boat and tip him in the ocean! What's stopping you? :(

Fairylea · 19/09/2014 12:49

How bizarre. Was he close to your sibling? It's none of his business what you do with your family.

LadyLuck10 · 19/09/2014 12:51

Yanbu, it's none of his business. How invasive of him to read your letter and then hide it. I think your suspicions may be right.

WiseGuysHighRise · 19/09/2014 12:52

If sibling wanted DH to have contact details she'd send them to DH.

Original poster
insanityscratching · 19/09/2014 12:54

She was pleasant to his face, behind his back she told me to dump him . Of course he doesn't know that.

OP posts:
AliMonkey · 19/09/2014 12:58

Was he getting them for you to put somewhere in case you ever changed your mind? Or to give your DC (if any) the chance to decide for themselves when older? I think I might have done that if roles reversed.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2014 13:00

You're not being unreasonable at all. Is there a possibility, do you think, that he believes he knows you better than you do and that you might regret it in future so he kept the letter safe?

He's wrong on all counts; his place is by your side and he should stand by the decisions that you make. It's your sibling, not his and the letter was addressed to you, not him.

I'm usually wrong with nearly every AIBU I post on but I think I'm with the majority on this one. Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2014 13:00

x-posted with AliMonkey

HappyJustToBe · 19/09/2014 13:03

YWNBU. He was.

cherrybombxo · 19/09/2014 13:04

I think it's bizarre that he fished it out of the bin and hid it - why on earth would he do that? As mentioned above, perhaps he thought you might want the details in the future? How strange.

He was definitely out of order though, he had no right to open your letter, never mind hide it from you when you explicitly told him your feelings.

Original poster
insanityscratching · 19/09/2014 13:04

My adult dc are all in contact (sporadically anyway) I have never stopped them having a relationship if they chose. They tell me if they see her (about once a year if that) it's not a problem. They are in contact with cousins too. I don't ask for details or give them a hard time. I'm not that bothered tbh I never think about her I'm completely indifferent there is no hate there.

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 19/09/2014 13:08

Hmm. I am going to go against the majority here and say I think YAB a bit U. Of course, I have no idea why you are NC and your reasons for not wanting to respond to this attempt by your sibling to get in touch. But I wonder whether, as Alimonkey suggests, he felt that there might come a time when you did want or need those details and so was taking the precaution of keeping them somewhere safe.

I think your reaction to throw them away or burn them was extreme. After all, just having the details available does not mean you have to use them. You could stay just as NC as before but at least know how to get in touch if necessary.

I wouldn't say you were being "paranoid and deranged" but I do think you are being a bit OTT and rather more of an arse than your DH in this matter.

Original poster
insanityscratching · 19/09/2014 13:13

I know all the details anyway, I've got a really strange memory that remembers everything, there was nothing new in that letter that I didn't already know. I burnt the letter to stop dh having it no other reason than that. Had he asked if he could have the contact details before I put them in the bin I might have been a bit Hmm but I'd have given him the address I suppose. It was more that he didn't ask and then took them and hid them that made me burn them.

OP posts:
blanklook · 19/09/2014 13:17

It was your personal mail, nothing to do with him.

I do understand his viewpoint from an emotional point of view and I don't doubt that he's convinced himself he is acting with the best of intentions,, but it's still wrong inasmuch that your mail is your mail and nothing to do with anyone else.

If your NC sibling wanted HIM to have their details, they would have written to HIM. But they didn't. So he needs to butt out.

magoria · 19/09/2014 13:17

YANBU you don't want contact.

There are plenty of ways of getting details if you wanted and didn't remember via your DC. Even your H could ask them if he really wanted.

He was being an arse and making a point. Next time he insists you open and read one you don't want to go straight to the burning stage.

Bigoldsupermoon · 19/09/2014 13:20

This is the stuff of my nightmares - I'm NC with a few family members because anything else would mean incredible, unending stress and upset. YADNBU, OP - your husband was bang out of order, particularly in terms of trying to refuse to give you the letter back. I'd have serious words, if I were you. He's supposed to be the one person you can rely on to support you - you don't need him undermining your decisions here.

Original poster
insanityscratching · 19/09/2014 13:23

Funnily enough our dc won't give him the details and I have no idea why. Maybe she has told hem not to, I haven't asked, I just know that he has asked (as he told me last night) and they "forget" or "can't remember".

OP posts:
cardamomginger · 19/09/2014 13:27

YANBU.

I was NC with my PA narc mother. If any DH of mine had done that with any letter I received from her I would have hit the roof so hard I would have been orbiting Earth. YANBU at all.