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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

husband throws my dads death in my face

38 replies

2boysandcounting1 · 17/09/2014 17:56

I have just had a fall out with my husband as i was meant to be staying out tonight with the children so he can paint our bedroom ceiling but ,it has fallen through so he is now saying he is not doing it. I said it doesn't affect him doing the ceiling just because we are here and i would sort the children out. I told him then i will so it. I'm 7 months pregnant with spd but worried the bedroom will not be ready for when the baby is born.

Anyway it turned into an argument and he said im only angry and bitter because of my dads death(2 years ago) this isn't the first time he has said this in an argument. Its like he is trying to hurt me in the worst possible way. I'm now sat here in tears really upset about what he has said. Is this a reasonable remark and has anyone else husband said anything so hurtful before? When he calms down he always says he didn't mean it in the way it sounds but why say it at all?

OP posts:

seasavage · 17/09/2014 18:04

No. It's a f awful thing to think. He has to control his temper or he'll be 'angry and bitter' because you left such an uncaring sod.

Bulbasaur · 17/09/2014 18:09

First of all, it was your father. If anyone should be upset it should be you.

I'd tell your husband that your father is not an excuse to be a dick and how dare he act like that in his name. Assuming your father was a good man, he'd be appalled by how his daughter was being treated with his name being used as an excuse. I'd tell him your father is permanently off the discussion table in arguments and your husband needs to own his shit and get his act together.

When he calms down, I'd tell him his behavior is unacceptable and it doesn't matter how he "meant it", that's how you took it. He can and should be held accountable for his words.

MrsMinton · 17/09/2014 18:09

No it's a horrid response that he knows will upset you so much that you'll stop the argument. I imagine when he apologised the first time you told him how much that hurt? The fact he's then repeated it in other arguments shows a serious lack of care for you on his part and spite.

magoria · 17/09/2014 18:10

Of course he means it in the way it sounds.

There is no other fucking reason for him to say this apart from the way it sounds, to deliberately and nastily hurt you as much as possible. Just like you think he means it.

When he and you have calmed down you need to lay on the line just how despicable it is and that it stops NOW.

No excuses. If he ever mentions it again. Walk away the instant it is out of his mouth.

Topseyt · 17/09/2014 18:13

Your last sentence says it all. Why say it at all? It is a spiteful remark and personally I would have fired back with both barrels.

It should be no issue whether or not you are there with the children when the ceiling is being painted so long as they are kept out of the way.

I assume it is a bedroom for the baby that is being painted?? If so then there should be no problem having the older children elsewhere in the house while he works on it. At 7 months pregnant and with spd you should definitely not try to do it yourself.

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 17/09/2014 18:14

He was a very good man who saw the food in everyone. The funny thing is he thought alot of my husband and my husband always gave me the impression he felt the same.

He didn't have much of a relationship with his own dad but he knew how close i was to my dad.

OP posts:

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 17/09/2014 18:18

Sorry yes it is the room the baby will be in. We are having it wallpapered on Monday so tonight he was doing the ceiling and tomorrow night he was doing the skirting board as he is working the weekend.

I know i shouldn't do it, its just so frustrating as he is using us being here as an excuse not to do it when we have a deadline as he is working over the weekend.

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/09/2014 18:24

That is probably the most awful thing you can throw at someone, if someone threw my nephew's death at me every argument, I dont think I could forgive them.

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 17/09/2014 18:31

I agree Tali and i have told him. He then says he only says it to get me to see that im grieving. The way he put it was your moms right about you you are only like this because of your dad. He took what my mom said completely out of context as my mom spoke to him a while back about my feelings surrounding my dads death but she came from a caring point of view.

OP posts:

MrsMinton · 17/09/2014 18:35

If you are still grieving (perfectly understandably) then this is not the way you deal with someone: by yelling at them that they are bitter. It's spiteful. He's making excuses for his crappy behaviour.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/09/2014 18:49

Yeah you might still be grieving, he was your dad, it doesnt give him a right to use it to minimize your feelings.

Friend: 2boys seems upset about something (Your annoyed with your DH)
DH: Her dad died.

That is basically what he is doing, using your dad's death as a way to discount your emotions and opinions.

Ummmmgogo · 17/09/2014 18:52

My ex used my mothers death in arguments a lot. He never even met her but aparantley he's an expert In How she would have thought, and I'm bitter and jealous that his mum is still alive. I'm now single, pregnant with his child and dealing with our toddler too. Occasionally being a single parent gets me down but mostly I feel so relieved at not dealing with his bullshit anymore. If there are no other problems in your relationship then you should forgive him, but if, like in my case it is just a symptom of what a horrible person he is, then run and don't look back. I hope you are not too upset and you come to a solution you are happy with. Xx

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 17/09/2014 18:59

Its as if when i am upset about something my dads death can be the only reason im upset so he is not really listening to what i have to say.

I have just gone up to speak to him and he went on again, i said it didn't take alot for him to not do the ceiling so he cant have wanted to do it in the first place. He then brought my dad up again and even went on about the way i treated him. I'm not proud of how i was and it wasn't all the time but i found it hard dealing with and accept my dads illness so we used to have a few fall outs, we always made up and i always looked after him if my mom went so he wasn't on his own. I used to do him medication and oxygen and ventilator but i found the whole thing very distressing as i knew he was going to die.

When he died i told my husband how guilty i felt about how i was and that is what he was bringing up. I actually apologised to my dad before he died and he said, does it matter. I do carry that guilt around with me and my husband knows this and uses it to his advantage.

I actually spoke to his nurse when he died and told her how i felt and she said, he was your dad. You didn't see his illness you just fell out like father and daughter. Its not even that we fell out badly i just got upset with him about his illness.

OP posts:

ninetynineonehundred · 17/09/2014 19:09

IF IF IF he mentioned during a calm moment that he was concerned that you could still be struggling with your feelings of guilt around your dads death that would be one thing.
That would be supportive and loving.

To use the death in an argument to denigrate your personality is disgusting behaviour. Especially in a situation where he was trying to get out of doing something.

It was a low blow and designed to hurt you. He knew exactly how it would make you feel and chose to say it anyway. It wasn't an accident.

I'm so sorry. You don't need this at the moment.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 17/09/2014 19:34

2boys seriously this behaviour is the bloody pits! In your shoes would be totally re-assessing my relationship with this man. I can't see any excuse to say this other than he is picking the one really hurtful thing and using it in the most atrocious fashion. I loved my DDad to bits (and had similar issues to you towards the end) and this would be a deal breaker for me TBH.

Inertia · 17/09/2014 20:12

He is using your grief at your father's death to try tp turn everything into your fault. In his eyes , your H is never in the wrong - he thinks you are just in a bad mood. He refuses to consider you might be annoyed at something he did.

HappyAgainOneDay · 17/09/2014 20:27

If I were you, I would start to keep a diary of hurtful things like this that your husband says to you or at you. Add hurtful or nasty things he does to you indirectly like never washing up. One day, this list might come in useful.

I've done that. I didn't use this incident because it was too long ago but I was 8 months pregnant and asked my husband to wash the kitchen floor. He refused so I had to do it.

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 17/09/2014 20:39

I think i will keep a log. He also said i had issues when i met him as he used to take me to an anxiety group therapy and i was a nutter then. I do suffer with anxiety but try and keep it under control as i know the situations that trigger it.

I actually said he was being emotionally abusive with what he said(not sure if what he said is classed as that but seems like it to me) and he said oh so im emotionally abusive now am i. That's when he said what about how you are when you used to go to that group, you was a nutter when i met you.

OP posts:

pointythings · 17/09/2014 20:46

So he uses something that hurts you deeply to get back at you, says that you used to be a 'nutter' and implies that you are one still.

Yep, I'd say that's emotionally abusive. He may not be like it all the time, but this meets the criteria. And all that because he can't be arsed to keep a commitment he made. I'd be seriously reassessing the relationship at this point.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/09/2014 20:47

2boys, I'd rethink things with this man, having Anxiety doesnt make you a nutter and I'd like to give him tongue lashing for even suggesting that.

Your Dads death makes you upset all the time, when he annoys you, according to him.

Your Anxiety makes you a nutter, according to him.

Borrowed from a mumsnetter, I would call him a cunt, but he lacks the depth and warmth of one.

gentlehoney · 17/09/2014 20:47

He doesn't sound very nice. Is this unusual behaviour for him?

MrsMinton · 17/09/2014 20:48

He's being vile and abusive. This is not the behaviour of a caring partner.

justmyview · 17/09/2014 20:54

Describing anyone as a "nutter" is offensive, whatever the circumstances.

If the bedroom ceiling requires to be painted, this can be done after the wallpaper & skirting boards have been done. Less convenient, but possible. Could you afford to ask the decorators to paint the ceiling, to minimise conflict?

I think your relationship contains bigger issues than a ceiling. Good luck

HexBramble · 17/09/2014 20:57

Nasty, spiteful and calculated thing to say.

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 17/09/2014 21:44

When we get on we do get on but when we have an argument it can get personal like tonight.

Think i will have to sort the ceiling out after the papering as its a relative doing it and has only a limited amount of time and does not live local.

Thank you for all your comments as i can't talk to anyone in real life about it.

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