husband throws my dads death in my face

[2boysandcounting1]

I have just had a fall out with my husband as i was meant to be staying out tonight with the children so he can paint our bedroom ceiling but ,it has fallen through so he is now saying he is not doing it. I said it doesn't affect him doing the ceiling just because we are here and i would sort the children out. I told him then i will so it. I'm 7 months pregnant with spd but worried the bedroom will not be ready for when the baby is born.

Anyway it turned into an argument and he said im only angry and bitter because of my dads death(2 years ago) this isn't the first time he has said this in an argument. Its like he is trying to hurt me in the worst possible way. I'm now sat here in tears really upset about what he has said. Is this a reasonable remark and has anyone else husband said anything so hurtful before? When he calms down he always says he didn't mean it in the way it sounds but why say it at all?

right 2boys, if you can manage it, put the hurt to one side and teach yourself to see right through his attempts to manipulate.

You are right, it IS (mild?) emotional abuse. It doesn't matter if he thinks so or not.

Your arrangements to be out of the house fell through - so he is punishing you by refusing to paint the ceiling. This is what he is doing - punishing you. He didn't really want to paint the ceiling so he's finding a way to make it YOUR fault.

You are angry and stressed that the ceiling now won't be painted - so he is punishing you for being annoyed by bringing up something that will sideline you - your df's death. He knows very well you have a right to be angry & stressed so again he's trying to make it YOUR fault.

His attempts to manipulate you would be laughable if they weren't so cruel. But don't get sad, get mad!!!!!!!!!

You didn't have an argument. He agreed to paint the ceiling. He hasn't done it. This is nothing to do with you, the dc's, or your df's death!!!

I'm not saying LTB but: learn about emotional abuse and how to recognise it so you'll be able to pull him up on it every time he tries it. Then, either he'll start having a little more respect for you or YOU will eventually decide you're better off without him.

Either way, you won't spend the rest of your life having your feelings screwed around.

xx

IF IF IF he mentioned during a calm moment that he was concerned that you could still be struggling with your feelings of guilt around your dads death that would be one thing.
That would be supportive and loving.
^
This.

This is how a normal person in a healthy relationship would discuss any feelings you are carrying around with you. I lost my DF almost 3 years ago and if my DH EVER used that in an argument I would lose it big time. In reality, my DH still gets choked up and sad because he misses him too.
I am stunned that anyone could be so cruel as to use this to win an argument. You have to put a rocket up his arse and get through to him that this is NOT acceptable and you will not tolerate it. It sounds like he is using your emotional state to get "one up" on you. This nastiness is your one-up. You may be a "nutter" (in his eyes I mean and for the record you're so not, anxiety issues are not unusual) but at least you are not the person that uses someone's grief to point score.

Things are no better today. He asked me if im staying out tonight so he could get on with painting and i said no. So he is refusing to do it.

He phoned me then went on that he will be cancelling his brother coming down to wallpaper so i hung up on him( i know not great to hang up) but had enough of the blackmail. He has sent me 2 txts since saying he is cleaning the car later and to not expect him to so anything else and he will cancel the decorating. I ignored it and he sent another one saying he is going to get his car cleaned so he is letting me know.

Feel so fed up. I am so tempted to just get on with it myself.

I've been with two men like this, who use traumatic situations or things you've told them about your past against you in an argument. They do it for one of two reasons - immaturity or to fuck with your head. It tends to get worse rather than better in my experience and you are accused of being dramatic when you try address how it makes you feel. In my opinion this is a massive red flag about someone's real character and it's not acceptable to use someone elses pain to win an argument or close down a conversation. It's actually emotional abuse in my opinion and totally unacceptable.

Do men like this realise they are doing it or are they so messed up their selves that this is how it comes out?

When he was saying things about my dad i did get mad at him and i told him to leave my dad out of it and he said look how you are reacting i told you it was because of your dad, even your mom says so! What my mom has to do with it i don't know.

That's OK. You can text back that you won't be doing anything else.
None of his washing, ironing, shopping, cleaning, cooking. No meal tonight for him.
No breakfast - no lunch tomorrow.
He sounds feckin' awful TBF!

I just wonder why he is so intent on having you 'out of the way'??
What are his plans really?
What's going on behind all of this?

OP, please ask him:

What on earth does your father's death got to do with your understandable anxiety to get your baby's room sorted out? Is it really totally inconceivable to him that you can worry about something totally unrelated to your father?

How come he can't manage a ceiling if you and the children are elsewhere in the house? Other men manage it - my dh painted most of the house with me and three small children in it.

I know nothing else is going on but im sure he doesn't want the hassle of being interrupted by our eldest son as he will try and 'help'. But i said i would be putting them to bed anyway so it wouldn't make any difference. Now it is probably a power struggle.

I am stressed about getting the room done as i will be having baby earlier as will be a section and in 32 weeks now.

Do men like this realise they are doing it or are they so messed up their selves that this is how it comes out? Yes they do, especially when you have told them previously that it hurts you.

Even if they don't realise it at the moment, if it's happened more then once and they have had time to reflect about how it made you feel time and time again, then it is abusive behaviour.

well that's convenient for him isn't it? he gets called on not doing something he said he'd do and he then realises at this point you must be grieving for your dad and lashing out at him thru your grief? 'Why haven't you painted the ceiling/done x?' 'you are having a go at me because you are still grieving for your dad' 'ummm no it's because you haven't painted the ceiling, don't try to change the subject and sidetrack me from the REAL issue, which is why don't you paint the ceiling?'

I had an ex who did this. Was adamant that when i was angry or upset with him, i wasn't and i was actually projecting from somewhere else, or if there was nothing else i was not really upset, just pretending i was upset to make him feel bad and he wasn't going to put up with it, no sirrreeee. Well i made sure he didn't have to put up with it any longer and i left.

I would tell Dr Freud in no uncertain terms that you know your feelings more than he does and if you say you are angry about the ceiling, then it's about the ceiling, and he doesn't get to play amateur psychologist. Using your fathers death is not a get out of jail free card. Tell him he is not to mention your father in this context ever again it just makes him look an arse and you aren't falling for the smoke and mirrors bullshit.

He's doing it because it works. So stop it working. Don't get sidetracked and don't question yourself.

I'd be tempted to laugh in his face every time he tried that (not because its funny but because it takes its power away). My response would be "nice try but you don't get to blame me for the fact you can't be arsed!"

If he tries the "nutter" comment again I would again be tempted to say "we I must have been because I started going out with you"

However, if he is as nasty as he seems with these comments he could get very spiteful /angry when laughed at. Only you know how he would react to being laughed at.

Otherwise, the broken record techique can be useful e.g. " we aren't discussing my father we are discussing why you won't paint the ceiling" and repeat.

Really nasty to bring up a death in an argument like that.

Arsehole.