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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unable to stop obsessing about the fact that I am not on the deeds to the marital home

41 replies

textingdisaster · 17/09/2014 16:11

and that we have no will or life insurance. All of the above because this is the way that has wants it. I have tried to explain why I need some security but he sees it as an overt threat, and the last time I suggested we co-own the house as joint tenants, he said he did not want to be dictated to (which would apparently happen if I was on the deeds Hmm).

We have 3 dc that I am a sahm mum to. We have been together for almost 19 years and married for 13 of those. He is extremely mistrustful due in part to his divorce from his first wife.

This leaves me feeling as if I have no status and no security. I obsess about it quite a lot which is probably due to my character as well as the situation.

Any ideas as to how I can stop worrying about this? Am I being spoilt and is this a first world problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 17/09/2014 16:12

h not has

OP posts:
ThePerfectNegroni · 17/09/2014 16:14

Have you posted about this before? I'm sure I remember a similar thread a few months ago.

GratefulHead · 17/09/2014 16:15

YANBU because he wouldn't have this marital home if you hadn't been there to care for his children while he earned money to buy it.

Someone more knowledgable will be along I am sure but after 19 years and three children I would be seriously pissed off.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2014 16:15

I can see why you are not happy. Is your name on the mortgage if you have one. Did he own this house before he met you. If you are married you will be entitled to a share regardless of whether your name is on the deeds or not. This is AFAIK. I don't think you should worry about it too much but it is annoying nevertheless.

LadyStark · 17/09/2014 16:15

I think it's a legitimate issue if you're not married but as you are, what's his is yours anyway. What's the concern here?

TheRealMaryMillington · 17/09/2014 16:16

How are the rest of your finances dealt with?

He's being completely unreasonable, of course.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 17/09/2014 16:17

I have Blush. I am still obsessing about it but can see no means of resolving a situation which I feel uncomfortable about as cannot force h to do something he doesn't want to do.

OP posts:
Ididntseeitsoitdidnthappen · 17/09/2014 16:19

You know the answer to 'I will not be dictated to' don't you?

'So why is it ok for you to dictate to me? I'm your wife and mother of your children and not your employee. I'm an equal in this marriage and don't bloody feel like it right now'

If he still insists on not putting your name down then ask him to put his reasons in writing and state he won't put you on the deeds and then seek legal advice and LTB

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/09/2014 16:20

Well, if you are married you certainly have rights over the property, especially as you have DCs and because you have been married a considerable length of time. So, from that point of view, it's not so bad. Also you have no obligation towards the mortgage, it is entirely your DH's. (incidentally we are the other way round, married 14 years, my name only on mortgage and deeds, but DH has no issue with it). Wills are important though as you have DCs.

However it is very worrying that your DH doesn't seem to want to acknowledge your feelings on the matter. I could possibly see why he feels unhappy about the house due to past bad experiences, but to not want to write a will? By not doing so he is indeed handing control to others in the event of his death. This is definitely not a first world problem, he is being immature and irresponsible.

madamweasel · 17/09/2014 16:20

I think you can register a legal charge on the property without his knowledge. Ask a solicitor, they should be able to tell you more.

mistlethrush · 17/09/2014 16:20

You could suggest that the alternative is to sell the marital house and you can each have part of of the proceeds so that you can each set up your own (smaller) households and see how that goes down? Grin

WellnowImFucked · 17/09/2014 16:24

Will, you can't really do much about. But if he doesn't have one the estate would be yours. See here: www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

You used to be able to actually insure someone else, (had to sort it out for OH many years ago when he was travelling) so unless he's restricting you to money, and that's a whole other ball game, there no reason you can't take life insurance out on him.

The house, well hes not very bright there, its a marital asset so in the event of a divorce 50/50, with the possibility of going a bit more in your favor as the SAHM. The courts will look at what best for the children not what he wants.

As for it being a first world problem, yes and yes. Yes as in some countries in the world women are property never mind own it.

And No if you mean is it a trivial problem, it really really isn't. If you weren't doing the childcare/ housework and I would guess from the tone of your OP is you do all of it, he couldn't afford to have 3 children and work full time and have a full time house keeper, so your contributing just as much as he is.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2014 16:25

You could say that you want to make a will and are seeing a solicitor. Then see what the solicitor has to say about this. I think that's what I'd do in your position.

WellnowImFucked · 17/09/2014 16:27

Plus anyone who has children and does have a will is a bloody fool.

Even if its a form printed off the net, you're mad not to have one.

BackInTheGame · 17/09/2014 16:28

From a practical view: as you are married the house belongs equally to the both of you. If one of you dies without a will, the other of you inherits everything they have. If you both die, everything you both had goes to your children. Therefore, practically speaking, these two issues aren't too bad. The lack of life insurance is terrifying though - what if your husband died and left you as a sahm unable to pay the mortgage? Why don't you just take out a policy yourself, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't need his agreement?

From an emotional point of view: You are married. A husband is supposed to love and care for his wife and would want her protected in the event that anything should happen to him. He clearly does not feel this way about you and is not prepared to even discuss ensuring protection for you and the DCs. I honestly think you're better off without him, this is a bizarre attitude for him to have and a massive red flag imo.

ilovechristmas1 · 17/09/2014 16:29

meant in the nicest possible way

you have already posted about this months ago and im sure you had some very good advice (i remember the thread)and are no more in a secure position now

you are only going to get the same (good) advice

but you have to be prepared to act on it otherwise what is the point of posting again

the advice you have had is from some posters that know what they are talking about

and as a side note if your DH still has trust issues after being with you 19yrs and fathering your children i would say there is something the matter with him

LadyLuck10 · 17/09/2014 16:31

Goodness op yanbu! I would be hugely worried if I was you. You've been together 19 years, what more do you have to prove to him. If something happens to him what does he think will happen to you and the kids. I would not accept this. It's 19 years, he should well be over his ex wife and their issues now.

MamaPain · 17/09/2014 16:34

I think you're actually better off with him not having a will, as then you should automatically inherit the house (I think?).

I would be very open and say that you are going to a solicitor because you want a will, mainly from the perspective of you want a legal document about what should happen to the children and your assets should you die. You need to agree who will be the main carer etc. You can invite him along otherwise go alone and make a will anyway.

Secondly afaik you can insure him and yourself so you should just go ahead and do that regardless of what he says.

It doesn't make any sense to me, fine if he is distrustful about the deeds (although it won't make any difference in reality) I can sort of grasp that, but life insurance and a will? Does he think you'll try and murder him for the money?!

He sounds like he thinks he's getting one over on everyone but actually he's being selfish and ignorant. He is doing himself no favours.

MistressDeeCee · 17/09/2014 16:41

"He is extremely mistrustful due in part to his divorce from his first wife".

Men who use women as a scapegoat for the supposed "sins" of an ex make me sick

Ignorance bordering on misogyny. But as his wife you will inherit anyway, I thought?

Although Im wondering - if he doesn't want your name on house deeds as he assumes you will then have no rights to the property - apart from himself, who is it that he DOES want to assume rights? Because lets face it, he isn't going to live forever..so what is behind his thinking? I don't believe mistrust of ex is the full story at all

Ididntseeitsoitdidnthappen · 17/09/2014 16:42

Tbh id be concerned he had set a will up behind your back, he seems the sneaky devious sort!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/09/2014 16:45

The house is an asset of the marriage, so if you were to divorce it would be at least half yours anyway. If he should die before the mortgage is paid off the property would become yours, and you could either sell it and settle the outstanding mortgage and buy something else with the remainder, or apply for a mortgage in your own name to make up the difference. Most mortgages come with an insurance policy to settle the outstanding mortgage upon death, so this would be worth checking. Look into taking out a life-insurance policy for both of you, so should you die before the kids are independent he'd have enough money to pay for child-care while he still worked full-time to support them and pay the mortgage.

Please stop obsessing about not being a joint-tenant or a tenant-in-common because you have nothing to fear from not being on the deeds. The deeds have to reflect the person/people on the mortgage. Your being a SAHM could have compromised how much he was able to borrow. Nothing else.

No will means you'd inherit up to a maximum and your children would inherit the rest. Unless you have a lot of equity and assets this may not make any difference either way.

NanooCov · 17/09/2014 16:45

How old are your children? Is it possible he's biding his time until they are over 16 and then he's going to screw you and them over?

ilovechristmas1 · 17/09/2014 16:46

just a thought and no very little about the Law concerning this

but if he is the only one on the deeds,im assuming he can raise finances,put others eg adult children on them without the ops knowledge and would only find out on death,is that possible

it must be as im the only one on my deeds (morgage paid of) and nobody would know what i could possibly do with them as im the only one on them

if so even more reason to get this soughted op

Original poster
textingdisaster · 17/09/2014 16:53

Thank you so much for all your responses. Will reply in detail after the kids have gone to bed as have loads to write and need to organise my thoughts. An odd thing has happened with this thread as it has disappeared from my aibu page and I can only find it by doing a search on the title Confused.

OP posts:
bobbywash · 17/09/2014 16:58

As a spouse you have an interest in the property, probably via what is called a constructive trust.

His reluctance is pointless, if you divorced you would be entitled to a share of the property if not a right to stay there until the children leave full time education or reach a certain age (18 or 21), you would also be entitled to maintenance as you haven't worked and a share of his pension etc.

As far as other charges etc going onto the property you may have an overreaching interest that would take priority over those.

Unless you have signed a document waiving your interest in the property to allow someone to take priority over you, you really are fretting over nothing. As has been said if he dies intestate it passes to you anyway.