to be unable to stop obsessing about the fact that I am not on the deeds to the marital home

[textingdisaster]

and that we have no will or life insurance. All of the above because this is the way that has wants it. I have tried to explain why I need some security but he sees it as an overt threat, and the last time I suggested we co-own the house as joint tenants, he said he did not want to be dictated to (which would apparently happen if I was on the deeds ).

We have 3 dc that I am a sahm mum to. We have been together for almost 19 years and married for 13 of those. He is extremely mistrustful due in part to his divorce from his first wife.

This leaves me feeling as if I have no status and no security. I obsess about it quite a lot which is probably due to my character as well as the situation.

Any ideas as to how I can stop worrying about this? Am I being spoilt and is this a first world problem?

At the top of the page it says 'Threads' and if you follow it along to 'I'm on' it will show all the threads that you're posting on OP. That's an easy way to find it.

I don't know the answer to this, but I would be concerned that he might be able to will the house to someone else if he is the only owner.

I agree with the others that you'd be ok in a divorce situation, but if he wills it to your children/the cats home an then dies, I am not sure what would happen.

I would also be very concerned that he could remortgage/add to the loan amount/add another party to the mortgage/deeds without your knowledge. Again, I don't know what the answer is, but what would happen if he added Miss Scarlet Lady to the mortgage/deeds and then died? Surely she'd own the house solely as the surviving joint owner? Where would that leave the OP?

I would seek proper legal advice on this. You need to know for sure what would happen if:

a) he sold the house without you knowing

b) he added someone else to the mortgage and/or deeds and then i) you and he divorced or ii) he died

c) he died having willed the house to someone else

d) he died having made no will

The scary thing about wills and married people is that you can agree to not have them or agree what goes in them, but ultimately either party can then make a new will without disclosing it to the other. With a DH who is so keen on protecting 'his' assets, you need to do all you can to protect yourself and your children - don't rely on what he says he has or hasn't done.

Seriously - find the money for an hour with a solicitor, or at least seek some legal advice here (or CAB?)

I'm not sure those saying the house passes to OP if her DH dies are right? The link further up the thread indicates that if the estate is worth £250k or more, the OP would only get the first £250k, and a life interest in half the remainder. That might not be enough to mean she can stay in her house if he died ....

The husband could sell the house to anyone he wants at the moment. If he went bankrupt then the OP would have to prove an interest. The husband could take out a loan against the property which could lead to it being repossessed. The husband could make a will that the OP didn't know about and leave the house to the cats' home. If the husband decided to throw the OP out of the house it would be a harder job to get access to the marital home as her name isn't on the papers.

But it isn't really about the house and who is on the deeds. I suspect it is about the husband knowing his wife is upset and concerned and not caring enough to do things to make his wife feel more secure.

How is the rest of the relationship?

Thanks again for all your responses. I still can't find my thread in "aibu" or in "I'm on", but have emailed mumsnet about it. So I don't know if anybody else can see the thread either!

I suppose it all boils down to trust, but I resent the fact that I am in the dependent position of having to blindly trust while h isn't.

It is very very difficult to talk to h about this as he takes it as an affront and quickly becomes annoyed. I suppose that we do not operate as a team, and I think he has little understanding of what being a team actually looks like. We got together when I was 27 and he was 39. We are now 45 and 57 , but that dynamic of adult vs. child has not changed all that much in some ways.

He bought the house we live in while we were already together, but before we got married. He works very hard and has always worked very hard. Without a doubt he "sweats" (he does physical work) more than I do (and often tells me how hard he works). I on the other hand have spent many years being the dcs' carer. They are now 8, 10 and 12 and I now really feel I should be working outside the home. I am trying to get myself into a position where I can earn money again.

BUT I feel as if my contribution all these years is valued by h to the extent that he provides a roof and somewhere for me to live, but not to the extent that he understands that I need to feel secure, and that I have contributed in many different ways. Our relationship is sometimes ok, sometimes very difficult. Generally h is not affectionate towards me though at our best we are fairly chatty. It is very difficult to talk about anything of any importance.

I think h himself lives "on the edge" in his head so he cannot relate to someone wanting to set things up in a way which he thinks is artificial, or a denial of reality (that we all die), or by lining the pockets of the insurance companies (he said he does not want to play this game).

If he were to die intestate, the 250K would not be enough for me to stay in this house / town, irrespective of the mortgage not being paid off issue.

Also, as people have pointed out:

a. h could leave everything to whomsoever he pleases
b. he could borrow against the property (and I think he has done that to fund other building projects)
c. he could put somebody else's name on the deeds.

I don't know what to do about how I feel about this without causing an almighty rift between us. I really think he has very little understanding of why I might be worried about this (and it has become something of an obsession).

H is very independent minded and I don't think he can conceive of a world where he can't make major work related decisions by himself (like borrowing against the house).

H is aware that I will inherit some money from my family and quoted this in the last argument (trying to downplay my feelings). I really think this is not the point however. I want to be an equal player in our life together. H's latest business venture is a property he bought with his brother and which they are doing up. I heard him talking to him saying how he wanted to set things up for the kids. So in the end it will be h leaving his much bigger pot of assets to the kids (rather than him and I leaving our marital joint assets to them together), while I leave my much smaller (eventually inherited) one to them. At no point will we have been a team.

It is possible that the mortgage includes an insurance but I have no idea if this is the case, and that in itself is ridiculous.

When I brought up some of these issues in counselling 2 years ago (we went for about 4 or 5 sessions together before h stopped coming), h accused me of trying to find all these things out, as if that meant that I was planning mutiny.

He has always been bitter about his first divorce. His ex wife got the marital home while he got a smaller property. I think he trusts no one and is always cynical about people's motivations.

I suppose in these situations both parties think the other one is being unfair - rightly or wrongly I feel sort of "cheated" (and maybe that is unreasonable!). I don't think h realises how much energy I could put into really helping him if I wasn't distracted by not feeling liked / a real part of things / worrying about my future. He just thinks he has worked very hard for many years (which he has).

Anyway, I am sorry, I have gone on for too long!

YANBU and you are being cheated.
there is no excuse I'm afraid and after 13 years his ex should be history and not used to control you.
There is no way I'd have got to living with my dh had I not been on the mortgage or able to hold deeds in my name.
Your dh issues are past and he is with you now.
Why are you allowing him to treat you like this, put your foot down woman and tell him this is what is happening or else
good luck x

Slightly warped conversation between us today. I was talking about my very organised friend who lives about 3 hours away but who is trying to organise a get together. She is very very organised and quite forceful about it. I jokingly said I did not understand why she likes me (as I am much more laid back disorganised). H then made some comment about how people like having "kickabouts". I then asked him if that was the reason he liked me (this conversation is sounding more ridiculous by the minute), to which he responded that he doesn't like me .

We both laughed then and I suppose it was a joke but that's the thing about h, he never ever expresses any affection towards me. His sister has told me that as a family they find being close and communicative difficult (though not towards the kids), but still, one can't help feeling that the absence of the expression of any affection means - NO AFFECTION.

Your situation sounds so sad, I'm sorry. Nothing to add but I just wanted to say that you may have accidentally clicked on "hide" which means the thread is hidden for you and that's why you can't see it anymore.

Go into your settings and there's a list of all hidden threads, you should be able to unhide it from there.

Yes I had accidentally hidden it - thank you.

I seem too to remember you from another thread. Why would you post the same issue again.

Why should she not, if the same thing still troubles her and she wants more opinions? I don't recall any rules against it and, IMO, it's rather rude to raise it as an issue, in the same way referencing earlier threads is seem as bad form. I do understand the frustration of repeat dramatic identical posts but, as many of us mull over the same problems for quiet a while, why should the Op not post about it more than once?

handcream - I guess posting same issue again attracts newly registered like myself?

textingdisaster - just because your dh has not made a will does not mean that you can't. You should as a minimum make a will for the sake of your dc's and nominate a guardian for them. My df died last year leaving no provision for his teenage children and it was only by close intervention of a family friend and magistrate that they weren't forcibly removed from family by social services and taken into care.

Re the house - you can check with land registry whether there are any outstanding charges on the property. The cost will be £3.0 to download a copy of the register - probably no need for a plan. Any new mortgage or re-mortgage would need to have solicitor involved (on behalf of the mortgage company), and any new mortgage company would need to be sure that you would relinquish your rights to stay in the family home in the event of a mortgage default. Which you don't have to. Sign, or move out. eservices.landregistry.gov.uk/www/wps/portal/!ut/p/b1/04_SjzQ0NTAwMbM0MzTVj9CPykssy0xPLMnMz0vMAfGjzOKNjSxMDA1NjDwsjM3MDTxN3dyNDUNMjQ1MjPWDU_P0c6McFQG8UTGG/

Hopefully the link above will work.

If dh were to try to sell the house, again, that would need solicitor involvement. Any person residing at the house over the age of 18 would be required to sign some sort of consent form that they would vacate the property on completion, so a new purchaser would get vacant possession. Which you don't have to. Sign or move out.

If you were at any time in the future to consider separating, then your rights to stay in the home can be protected - your solicitor will file the necessary form with Land Registry. This cannot be done without your dh's knowledge as the registered owner will be notified of this. These won't be indefinite rights, but will give protection for you whilst your dc's are still minors and still living with you.

As far as I am aware, under 18s cannot own property and cannot be named on the title deeds.

If dh has made a will and left everything to the cat's home, you can contest it.

So legally I believe you are secure despite not being a named proprietor on the title deeds, although that is only my opinion. Better to get an appointment with CAB and discuss properly though.

OP my marriage is on the rocks and I have just registered an interest in the marital property with the land registry. It doesn't cost anything, as long as you use the forms on the land registry website rather than going through a solicitor.

As far as I know it can't be fought by my H, BUT he was informed by the Land Registry that I'd done it, so you can't do it secretly. It kicked off an almighty temper tantrum, but the security of knowing I'm a bit more protected outweighed the danger for me.

So basically he wants something to hold over your head. "You can't leave me, you'd be on the streets and penniless".

I think as a resident you'd have some sort of legal claim to the place though. I'd talk to a solicitor, even if your name isn't on the papers, you might still have some claim to the property.

He is extremely mistrustful due in part to his divorce from his first wife.

19 years later? He can't trust you 19 years in, then what's the point?

You see the problem don't you? If you throw up a stink, you "only want him for the house" or "you don't trust him". If you leave, you prove him right. He's got you right where he wants you.

Time to start finding a job. He can pay for childcare if you need it. But you need to start being less dependent on him, especially if he's not going to give you any sense of security.

Glad I could help texting

Looks like you're getting lots of great advice, I truly hope you find a way out of this tangle. I agree with pp, time to become more independent and take back your power.