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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask where I went wrong and what I could have done better re 6yo behaviour

30 replies

Daddypigsgusset · 16/09/2014 19:20

After school we were all busy, as usual dds went from room to room playing and leaving mess everywhere as usual.
Dds had eaten earlier and I asked 6yo (the eldest) to move what was hers from the table so that I could clear the rest and dh and I could sit down to eat. She came down watching a film on her ipad and stood for about a minute staring at it. I called her name twice and got no response. I called again a little louder and asked her to put the ipad down and move the stuff that is hers before it gets mixed up with everything else. She said 'no, I'm watching this' I said 'pause it, it will take 10 seconds dad and I are waiting to eat' she screamed at me, top volume 'I said no!!'
So I snatched the ipad away and switched it off. She started screaming and crying so I scooped everything off the table and dumped it all in the same box (crafty stuff) her screaming got louder because her stuff was mixed up with everything else. Still waiting to eat, she's still screaming so I sent her to her room. Was screamed at 'no!!' Several times before I took her by the hand and pulled her there where she carried on screaming.
Which point did I go wrong? I have told her no ipad until weekend but it all seems so over the top for something that would never have happened had she put a few pens and stickers away.

OP posts:
Fattyfattyyumyum · 16/09/2014 19:26

Why does she have power over when / where you eat?

I would have gone with "you have 5 mins to move your stuff out of the fanilies way or it goes in the bin"

PandaNot · 16/09/2014 19:32

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. I would have done the same, ignoring the histrionics. I wouldn't take the iPad for the week though, the consequences of losing her things into the craft box and being removed from the room would be enough for me.

bakingtins · 16/09/2014 19:32

You didn't go wrong. She's testing the boundaries, you showed her where they are.

MamaPain · 16/09/2014 19:33

I don't think you went wrong exactly but a few things I would ask her in future to put those things away after use/before starting to watch a film.

I think there was too much negotiating and too many of you asking and her making you wait. She had the control.

Instead I wouldn't have said her name twice, being ignored once would be enough for me. At that point iPad would be taken and I'd tell her clean the things up now please or no iPad until tomorrow/thursday/weekend. I really will not accept being ignored for a screen. In the same way that if my DC ignore me when they're watching tv, I turn it straight off.

Being swift in your reactions might mean that she tantrums at first but soon she will get used to how things will go.

maras2 · 16/09/2014 19:36

Good call OP.Kids need boundaries.

Bothofyou · 16/09/2014 19:38

Nothing you've said sounds wrong, but I agree with an earlier poster that I tend to get the kids to do all jobs pre screen time, or to pause the screen and count to ten before giving an instruction - they don't hear me otherwise.

PookBob · 16/09/2014 19:42

This is how my DS acts when super tired. Straight to bed, no iPad. New school year exhausts him.

GoblinLittleOwl · 16/09/2014 19:43

She refused to do as you asked, defied you, screamed at you 'I said no'; you most definitely did not do anything wrong, apart from allowing a 6 year old to have an ipad in the first place.
Put her to bed with bread and milk, confiscate the ipad and do not return it until you feel she is really repentant and is learning to behave.
The two children next door are sent to their rooms with bread and milk for misdemeanours; mum is calm but very firm. There is no shouting, screaming, negotiating. They are the best behaved young children I know

MamaPain · 16/09/2014 19:47

She already had her tea so wouldn't need bread and milk I don't think.

I do send my DC to bed for bad behaviour but to me it's really naughty behaviour (most specifically telling lies which I will not tolerate) not things like this. It does sound as though she may be overtired and pushing boundaries but you have to remain in control.

I like to keep sending to bed as my most serious punishment, and even then I'm called a 'mean mummy' for it Hmm

mineofuselessinformation · 16/09/2014 19:48

Yabu. I can't see where anything you did was wrong.
Try to stop worrying about it and move on!
The internet has become a bit of an issue in my house - I turn the router off, and, if necessary, take it to bed with me! Grin

gastrognome · 16/09/2014 20:03

Sounds a lot like my 6 year old daughter.

I could ask her to tidy up one evening, and be met with smiles and a total willingness to help; another evening she might clear up, but with much tutting and eye rolling; another time she might react like yours, ending up in her bedroom in a rage. Usually the really extreme reactions are when she's exhausted.

I think it's only a problem if your DD's behaviour is like this all the time - but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Let's hope tomorrow is a better day!

outer · 16/09/2014 20:06

You didn't do anything wrong.

A defiant "no" wouldn't be tolerated in this house. iPad off, stuff chucked in a box and dd removed to her room sounds fair enough to me.

I would also go for an early bed as she sounds tired and ratty.

Daddypigsgusset · 16/09/2014 20:08

I usually just tidy everything up after them, or dh when he's home, it's so much faster than asking repeatedly to just be ignored.
We do usually all eat together and ipad saved for weekends but we're having renovations this week and it'sbeen so chaotic that we've done things as and when we can. Tiredness is probably a part too.
Fwiw 3yo dd happily put the dolls house furniture away without question when asked but the other wee shite has to perform and kick off and does nothing she's asked. Can't wait until she's a teenager Angry

OP posts:
PPaka · 16/09/2014 20:11

Firstly, no child will immediately switch off from watching something. iPad or TV.
Why should they, do you?
I think that's an unrealistic expectation
I'm imagining you are busy and gave her instructions without looking at her?
You need to be a bit more specific and exact and eye contact and get her to acknowledge what your instruction has been
Then I don't think snatching was helpful.
Look at it from her point of view- she was watching something so interesting that she completely zoned out- then got it snatched off her.( very simplistically!)
Bread and milk- sounds a bit archaic to me
Have a chat about instructions and being helpful and doing things quickly when you ask and all will be fine

outer · 16/09/2014 20:12

Why settle for being ignored?

I would turn all screens off until the tidying is done. Don't let them just ignore you - it's so rude!

Daddypigsgusset · 16/09/2014 20:16

Thank you ppaka- that's very helpful.
The children had already eaten as I wasnt sure when I would have chance to sit down and eat. I'm not sure I could give them bread and milk, I wouldn't like to use food as a punishment I don't think. No sweets fine but no salad, protein etc. They are very good healthy eaters so I couldn't see the point really

OP posts:
tiredpooky · 16/09/2014 20:22

I would have gone to her and made sure she heard me as she was engrossed
when she said no, i would said i didnt like shouting and i would have given her a warning, eg if you dont do it by the time i count to 5, i will take your ipad off you for the rest of the night.. then i would have done this and cleared away myself if she had not complied.
she had no warning of what the consequences of non compliance were, she would have liked to have had a chance to reconsider her options, without it suddenly snatched away, it was confusing for her and made her feel powerless
its exhausting though isnt it, i am often wondering where i could have done better

tiredpooky · 16/09/2014 20:34

'Normal children fail to comply with parental requests 1/3 of the time' -the incredible years
just seen your other post daddy - are you really happy with how you label her (and think of her) there, or just a mistake? If we think of our children in a certain way, they pick up on it and then start to try to fill that 'expected' role. Let her develop a new identity full of her positives
She is a normal child

greenbananas · 16/09/2014 20:38

Hey don't beat yourself up, we are all human. I've had almost exactly the same situation this week (family Kindle not ipad) and I am not proud that I snatched it but I did Sad

snatching is a problem, no matter how fedupyou are. We wouldn't tolerate our children snatching things from each other, so we shouldn't do it to them. I apologised to ds1 after I had done this (he is six) and he accepted my apology but was clearly upset that I had lost my temper.

I think screens plus tired children is very often a problem. They are mentally shattered from the new term starting but the screen keeps them awake.

I use loss of screen time as a consequence as often as I can. My kids are so much happier, chilled out and nicer to be around when they have been playing outside in the old fashioned way, or messing around with their toys / chatting to me / helping me cook etc. If I put the effort into providing a non screen play opportunity, it is always worth it - they are happier and I feel like a much better mother!

I've been so busy with diy and painting recently that they have watched far too much tv. I know it's short sighted of me too let them do it, because we always pay for it later!

Anyway, we live and learn, and I don't think a few unfortunate incidents like this will damage them for life.

My plan is to organise a decent chance to play in a non screen time way every day after school - sometimes high effort like getting the paints out, and sometimes low effort like letting them dig holes in the garden or make a racket on the drums - is working for me every time I do it and their behaviour is so much more lovely. Hope this works for you too.

starlight1234 · 16/09/2014 20:46

I don't think you did anything wrong but I have learnt with my son to say finish that page or you have one minute to finish off what you are doing then I want .... doing. It simply seems to work better. The rest she was pushing her luck and well done for standing firm

missymayhemsmum · 16/09/2014 20:56

You did nothing wrong, your dd was tired after school, zoned out on the screen and reacted like a tired 6 year old when you tried to unplug her and get her to do something.
It could have been a book or a toy, it happened to be her ipad.
Your alternative options were - don't ask a tired child to clear a table, leave her plugged in to the film while you have a peaceful meal, or give your tired 6 year old some attention-story-bath -bed and eat after her bedtime.
But once she defied you you had to act as you did.

greenbananas · 16/09/2014 20:56

Yes, the "you've got two minutes. . One minute. . 30 seconds" strategy does work really well. doesn't always work for screens though, cos they always want to finish whatever it is they are watching.

SugarSkully · 16/09/2014 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loopylala7 · 16/09/2014 22:20

I think you were right to ban the iPad - she shouldn't be allowed to disrespect you like that and get away without consequences. You weren't asking a lot, and as she goes through life will need to realise she has to do work she doesn't necessarily want to do.

BaronVonShush · 16/09/2014 22:34

It's nigh on impossible to get a child's attention when they are looking at a screen. It does sound like your dd was tired. And you were tired. I react terribly when I am tired and the kids are defiant.
Switching the iPad off before asking them to do anything is a must.
I've really started cutting down screen time as they are noticeably more tantrummy when the iPad is involved.
If they are really bad I put down to tiredness and send them to bed early and do it calmly. Harder than it looks to stay calm!