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AIBU?

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Original poster

More of a wwyd.. SIL is a complete bitch...

43 replies

curiousgeorgie · 16/09/2014 15:28

Bit of history, SIL is not English and met her now DH about 9 years ago while here for job opportunities and travelling. She moved in with his family and they lived there together until 2.5 years ago.

They moved into their own home, had DNephew and then had a huge wedding in her home country. (She was a total bridezilla, I had a thread about it at the time. Demanding I leave my newborn, that DH take 2 weeks off of work and eventually demoting him as best man when he couldn't. MIL & FIL paid for the whole wedding and lots of sacrifices were made so she could have what she wanted.)

6 months into marriage, she decided she wanted to go home. BIL has a good job he's been in for 17 years, a home, car, various financial obligations etc. Apparently they discussed it and decided it wasn't feasible.

A month later she said she was going anyway. She took their son, and shipped everything (and I mean Everything.) and went back home where she is unemployed and living with family.

MIL & FIL had to help BIL, he was left with no plates, cups, light shades, furniture, towels!!!

The worst part is she continues to maintain their marriage is fine and on BIL's next visit to see her is planning to TTC a second child.

BIL is keeping quiet in the hope she'll come back. Personally I don't think anyone who takes the light shades is coming back!!

MIL really broke down to me and DH the other day. All this expense, seemingly for nothing, now having to support BIL as he is now supporting her over there and his bills etc over here, as well as flights to see his son, and she's at breaking point.

This ridiculous situation has been going on for 9 months... Basically no one knows what to do. It's not technically anyone else's business but its so hard for everyone to bite their tongues when MIL & FIL are going broke and basically, someone we all thought was a lovely person has turned out to be a bit of a scheming bitch. (MIL's words, she really is broken by this.)

Now SIL is demanding that if she visits, she wants days out, special trips, she wants the whole family to go to Alton Towers for a few nights (which I understand costs a bomb!) and she doesn't want anyone to mention the situation.

I don't even really know where I'm going with this, I just want some advice I guess for DH's family and particularly his brother.

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/09/2014 15:28

Sorry it's long. Didn't want to drip feed...

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 16/09/2014 15:32

Stay out of it.

If I were advising your MIL and FIL I'd say stop funding their son, he has a well paid job and should be able to pay for his child as well as funding himself. If I was advising him I would say get some kind of financial agreement in place for his child.

DogsinBoots · 16/09/2014 15:34

I'm sorry I have no advice. What a horrible situation. Didn't want to read and run. She sounds like everyones nightmare. I remember the thread re the wedding.
She reminds me of my very spoilt and nasty cousin, not that that helps at all.
Hope someone wiser than me comes up with a better reply.

YouTheCat · 16/09/2014 15:36

I think his brother needs to be realistic though that's easier said than done, the poor bloke.

He should only be paying out what the CSA says he should. I know it's his child he's supporting but he has living costs too.

If I was your mil I'd be sending a very terse email to the sil. But I have no idea what I'd say because you just know the sil will then deny them seeing their gc. Rock and a hard place. Sad

gamerchick · 16/09/2014 15:37

Tell them the only thing they can do to change things is to stop bankrolling him.

Then stay out of it. Listen to them if you must but offer no more advice other than that.

rainbowinmyroom · 16/09/2014 15:38

I would have prevented her from leaving with the child.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/09/2014 15:39

The CSA aren't involved. They're still married, she just took their son and lives in another country... It's so unfair and just plain weird!!

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/09/2014 15:40

Rainbow... He tried to get a prohibited steps order but chickened out at the last minute because she said if he did that she was definitely never coming back. He decided not to risk it. Unfortunately!

OP posts:
Username12345 · 16/09/2014 15:40

The PIL should stop paying for things. They're just enabling the situation.

BIL needs to be realistic about his life. Either move to be with his family or accept she doesn't want to come back, get a divorce and move on. But I suspect he'll come to a decision when it's time for him.

Other then that, stay out it. It has nothing to do with you.

PicandMinx · 16/09/2014 15:41

I remember your thread. I think you should keep out of it, (not helpful) but realistically what can you do? The marriage is all but over and if you (as a family) give in to her ridiculous demands - trips out etc - where will it end?

Sorry not to be more positive - but it sounds to me that SIL planned this all along - meet nice fairly well off steady guy, move into naice house, have baby, get married, move back home and he can continue providing money to her without the hassle of living with him. I suspect she continues to pretend the marriage is fine to her catholic (?) family.

BIL needs to seek the advice of a SHL.

GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 15:43

Is it totally out of the question that he go there? to her country? where is her country?

Oneandonlyone · 16/09/2014 15:44

The MIL and FIL need to stop funding their son. And everyone, and I do mean everyone, needs to stop giving in to her demands. The reason she gets away with it is everyone lets her. Stop giving her the attention and the money she wants, and stop lying for her and lo and behold things will start to change.

And your brother needs to get a lawyer in that country, start divorce proceedings and set up appropriate visitation and maintenance.

For you? Other than not lying for her, stay out of it.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/09/2014 15:46

There are no jobs there. He can't just leave paid employment when they have financial commitments. It was her choice to move in and but furniture and get a car and have holidays and all the other things that have created a financial hold...

It's mostly farming, and he grew up in London. It's never going to happen. He has no life there, but she had a job, some family, his family, loads of friends etc here.

OP posts:
maras2 · 16/09/2014 15:47

If it wasn't for the fact that your lovely but gullible in laws are getting hurt,I'd say sit back and laugh at SIL's total loss of grip on reality.She sounds quite deluded and so does her husband for not only putting up with but seemingly going along with such nonsense.You know what?Best to keep out of it.Good luck Georgie

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/09/2014 15:47

I'm not going to do or say anything. My heart just breaks for DH's family. I just wanted something helpful to suggest when I see them all tonight.

But in terms of her, I'm definitely staying out of it!!

OP posts:
GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 15:48

btw, I returned to my home country with the children and my x's family said some outrageous things about me at the time, that I did it "for an easy life" Hmm and I did it on a whim and also simultaneously and paradoxically that I'd sneakily planned it. which? But honestly they just didn't know the truth and wouldn't be told because they'd no interest in my perspective. They just wanted to fan my x's anger and outrage. They did him no favours at all. If they'd been more of a support instead of fanning his outrage they would have encouraged him to set up maintenance and to try to accept the breakdown etc, try to work together as a family and make it work for the sake of the children etc.... but sure they just stoked his sense of outrage!

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/09/2014 15:49

MIL is doing the opposite, at least to BIL. And couldn't be more friendly to SIL, not wanting to break bridges as they miss their grandson so much.

That's awful for you though Sad

OP posts:
GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 15:49

Maybe you'll get more information if you ask your BIL "so, was she that unhappy in the uk then?''. Because officially they're not separated? They're just geographically apart at the moment?

GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 15:52

curiousgeorgie your mil is smart. When I left the UK, I never wanted to leave my xmil in the situation where she was in a different country from her grandchildren, but she was so horrendously judgemental of me that it was impossible to have any sort of normal relationship with the woman. And I'm not a vindictive, bitter or resentful person. I've forgiven her son for the horrible way he treated me for years. But her son comes to see the children. I don't take the children to see her. If she had been kinder to me I would possibly take a detour past her house when I was in the UK. But she was so angry and couldn't blame her precious son. She really sabotaged her relationship with her gc by being such a vile person. But she can't see that.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/09/2014 15:55

BIL talks about it all the time... In terms of, she'll come around. She'll come back, she just needs to get it out of her system etc...

OP posts:
Oneandonlyone · 16/09/2014 15:56

Oh dear. That's very sad. Of course, he married her in the first place, so he really got seduced. :(

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 16/09/2014 15:57

Whatever BIL does he absolutely must avoid TTC again as it would be very unfair to bring another child into this mess.

The longer your BIL stays in this sham of a marriage the worse (and more expensive) it will be to get divorced from her. I agree that your PIL need to stop funding this toxic relationship and start saving up for helping out with legal fees instead.

Thumbwitch · 16/09/2014 16:01

Your poor BIL.
I'd say he's screwed, really, and agree that in all honesty your PILs need to stop bankrolling him if it's costing them more than they can afford. :(

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2014 16:01

Agree with Duelling because if you act as a support, you're enabling and propping them up to carry on supporting BIL and he will carry on supporting her. Trying to conceive a second child is insane and he shouldn't even be thinking of this. Actions speak louder than words and she's shouting LOUD.

What to do?

  1. MIL/FIL provide the support they can afford to BIL.
  2. BIL supports his child - not his 'wife'.
  3. Counselling for all of them?
  4. BIL makes some custody arrangements so that he can see his child in this country and so can MIL/FIL.
  5. Don't go on 'nights out' with this lunatic under any circumstances. Neither should BIL/MIL/FIL but that's up to them.

Awful situation made worse by nobody taking control of it. Understandable really but it mustn't go on.

Bouttimeforwine · 16/09/2014 16:07

She's never going to sort out anything when pils are bankrolling him. If some of the money dries up, then she's more likely to come back if she still cares about him, as that is the most financially viable option. If she doesn't care, then he'll see her true colours sooner rather than later.

I can't see this ending well, but if pils can't afford it then they have to stop. Mil can still be nice to her, but without funding them. You can't get blood out of a stone.