Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

More of a wwyd.. SIL is a complete bitch...

43 replies

curiousgeorgie · 16/09/2014 15:28

Bit of history, SIL is not English and met her now DH about 9 years ago while here for job opportunities and travelling. She moved in with his family and they lived there together until 2.5 years ago.

They moved into their own home, had DNephew and then had a huge wedding in her home country. (She was a total bridezilla, I had a thread about it at the time. Demanding I leave my newborn, that DH take 2 weeks off of work and eventually demoting him as best man when he couldn't. MIL & FIL paid for the whole wedding and lots of sacrifices were made so she could have what she wanted.)

6 months into marriage, she decided she wanted to go home. BIL has a good job he's been in for 17 years, a home, car, various financial obligations etc. Apparently they discussed it and decided it wasn't feasible.

A month later she said she was going anyway. She took their son, and shipped everything (and I mean Everything.) and went back home where she is unemployed and living with family.

MIL & FIL had to help BIL, he was left with no plates, cups, light shades, furniture, towels!!!

The worst part is she continues to maintain their marriage is fine and on BIL's next visit to see her is planning to TTC a second child.

BIL is keeping quiet in the hope she'll come back. Personally I don't think anyone who takes the light shades is coming back!!

MIL really broke down to me and DH the other day. All this expense, seemingly for nothing, now having to support BIL as he is now supporting her over there and his bills etc over here, as well as flights to see his son, and she's at breaking point.

This ridiculous situation has been going on for 9 months... Basically no one knows what to do. It's not technically anyone else's business but its so hard for everyone to bite their tongues when MIL & FIL are going broke and basically, someone we all thought was a lovely person has turned out to be a bit of a scheming bitch. (MIL's words, she really is broken by this.)

Now SIL is demanding that if she visits, she wants days out, special trips, she wants the whole family to go to Alton Towers for a few nights (which I understand costs a bomb!) and she doesn't want anyone to mention the situation.

I don't even really know where I'm going with this, I just want some advice I guess for DH's family and particularly his brother.

TIA

OP posts:

GloriousGoosebumps · 16/09/2014 16:19

Your BIL should ensure that he doesn't father a second child and he needs to look at his finances and and give his wife a sum each month that takes into account his own living costs. Then he needs to make the big decision about whether he wants his marriage to continue.

AlpacaMyBags · 16/09/2014 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MimiSunshine · 16/09/2014 17:20

Your BIL needs her back in the country with their son, so he needs to play nice and go along with her plans for things.
Don't out right lie if he doesn't feel comfortable but say 'they sound like lovely ideas, cant wait for you to arrive so we can plan together'.

Get her back here and then restrict her leaving with the child, he needs to tell her that he wants them to work things out and her to be happy but as agreed in their previous discussion, he cant / wont move abroad and he wont allow his son to go back either so the choice is hers.

Did she ever work? Her cant just up and leave if he's the earner for the family without a plan in place.

Have the Prohibitive Steps order ready to go in case she refuses to stay but hopefully he wont need it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/09/2014 17:44

I agree, that he needs to stop focusing on her and focus on his son, and stop financing her aswell, her and her family must be pissing themselves laughing.

KatieKaye · 16/09/2014 17:52

What a horrible mess.
He needs to get legal advice now. Once he speaks to a third party things might seem ckeaer

outer · 16/09/2014 17:59

If he's not ready to admit his marriage is over then there isn't really anything you can do.

Once he realises, he can go for divorce and custody, if that's what he wants.

emotionsecho · 16/09/2014 18:44

What a terrible mess, I ddn't read your wedding thread but it sounds like that was merely a prelude as to what was to come.

Only advice I can give you to give your in-laws is to tell them to stop enabling her behaviour, cut the financial and other ties. Their relationship with her is irrecoverably damaged anyway as they will never again see her in the same light even if she does come back. They should stop dancing to her tune, if your BIL wants to continue dancing then fine that is up to him but he shouldn't be involving your in-laws, it must be awful for them. Suggest to your in-laws they step away from it all and let your BIL do whatever he wants at his own financial and emotional cost.

As to your BIL he is obviously blinkered where she is concerned and has been for a long time as he clearly didn't put a stop to the wedding shenanigans, until he opens his eyes and sees the reality of what is happening then there is no hope for him, but again that is his choice and his decision and he shouldn't be allowing his parents to pay the price for it (both financially and emotionally). I realy hope he is not daft enough to acquiese to the TTC for a second child.

The only solution to this is for your BIL to get a divorce and sort out proper financial and custodial arrangements. I can't understand why he is prepared to let this continue, the hurt and distress it must be causing to everyone involved must be dreadful.

millionsofpeaches · 16/09/2014 18:48

curious you have my utmost sympathy. My dad found himself in an almost identical situation as your bil. He married a woman in her native country whilst working there. She moved back to the uk with him and had a baby. When my baby brother was about 9 months old she suddenly had to go back to her country as her relative was '"dying of cancer". Except he wasn't. Then she had a cancer scare and along with many other excuses she has never moved back to the uk and has only visited again once. My dad sees his son about once a year and is still nominally married to his wife. There were rumours a while ago about her having an affair but my dad chose not to believe it.

I think your bil needs to stop deluding himself that it's all going to somehow work out. My brother is now nearly an adult. My dad hasn't really been a dad except financially. It's makes me sad and angry in equal measure. Angry at her and my dad at letting it happen. You can't talk to him about it. I suggest you are just supportive of your bil and like others have said try to stop your pils bailing him out financially.

It's tough :-(

outer · 16/09/2014 19:34

If your brother gets to the point where he's looking for a divorce it might be worth him enquiring about international child abduction.

I've seen it from the other side. Depending on where she is it's perfectly possible to force her to bring the child back.

2Bemused · 16/09/2014 19:50

Which country?

MrsWinnibago · 16/09/2014 19:56

I can only say, having been in SILS situation re living away from my family, I understand her actions. I do. It's very hard but there it is.

outer · 16/09/2014 20:03

The manipulation is not pleasant but wanting to be near your family is entirely understandable, definitely.

HauntedNoddyCar · 16/09/2014 20:18

Given your pil are essentially keeping bil afloat right now, could it be done via payment holidays etc that he goes over and calls her bluff?
Here I am! Come forever! No income just lurve to keep us warm!
I suspect he'll be either sent home with a flea in his ear which is sad but he needs to know or she'll come back with him.
She wants to have her cake and eat it.

valrhona · 16/09/2014 20:35

Does The Hague convention apply in the country she lives in? She's basically abducted his child. Pretty despicable behaviour assuming the dh is a decent and kind husband and father.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 16/09/2014 20:41

Your bil needs to get a vasectomy, that's the only way to ensure that any child she has is definitely not his.

What an awful situation for you all but your bil needs to help himself now by taking control of the situation.

Littlegreyauditor · 16/09/2014 21:01

I'm going to sound like a cow here, but given your SIL's treatment of you over her bloody wedding, and the tacit support her actions received from your BIL and PIL I would be leaving them all to swing in the wind.

Look how they treated you OP when you were vulnerable!

Stuff them, really. Not your problem, just as you, and your family life, and your health, and your husband were not their concern. Not then, not ever.

When they come to you to moan just say "oh dear, that's a pity" and change the subject. It's credit to you that you care, but some people don't deserve your kindness.

Not your problem OP. Not even on your radar.

GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 21:05

I doubt the Hague Convention would be applied as she could say the plan had been for her husband to join her in her home country and that then he changed his mind and decided to have her ordered back to the UK. My own x tried to have kids (and so me) ordered back to the UK (the imperiousness of it) and he failed.

Corygal · 16/09/2014 21:11

Once money stops pouring into the situation, a solution will present itself.

Good luck.

Flip

1 2